So, wow, it's been months since I've been here. Many things have past, many things I've probably forgotten, many things I wish I could probably forget. Regardless, I'm here now and we might as well continue on...
Before I start anything, I want you to know that I do not forget, nor can I, that my three year anniversary as a cancer survivor is approaching next week. Three years. The significance is enormous. The memories are still sometimes surreal. By this calendar date, I had already drained my lungs at least once, if not twice. I was on my way to dying and I didn't even know it.
Fast forward to three years later...three years I wasn't sure I would have. I'm within days, if not hours, of giving birth to my third child. Who would've thought that would happen three years ago?! I have been blessed with the opportunity to watch my two boys grow and become great little guys. To have family who has supported me, loved me and encouraged me to continue to good health. It's pretty overwhelming when i think about it, as can be seen by the tears streaming down my face. I don't know if I'll ever get past each anniversary without crying and I certainly don't promise it.
This anniversary is bittersweet though. Although I am celebrating my survival, I am missing a little guy. He won his battle through his heavenly body last month. He was only a couple months old when I got sick. A little less than a year before my first anniversary, he was diagnosed. For the past couple of years, we were survivors. I know he fought harder than I did. I know that he was much stronger than I ever was. He was a warrior in all ways. I am grateful that God called him home, so that his suffering could end...but it's hard, especially for my friends who miss their son and wonder what the heck happened these past years that caused all this...
I haven't had a scan since before I got pregnant. I'm supposed to call them after I give birth. I don't know when I'll do that, that I would want to do that, although I know I probably should. The coughing spells I've had scare me at times. Always a question about it's origin. But I try to ignore it, move on, and hope that nothing is wrong. Dwelling doesn't help me. Too many tears occur, too much fear and anxiety. What good does that do really? Stress is something that didn't help me then, so I don't think it'll help me now.
But I won't lie, sometimes it sneaks in and I wonder what would I do if I went back, got a scan, and they said there was something there? This pregnancy has caused me more anxiety than the other two. It's the one AC, for goodness sake! But I think people don't recognize that, or acknowledge that. The added physical issues I've had with this pregnancy just isn't about age, it's about the after-effects of chemo on my body but no one will ever think that. How could they know? How would they know that the thoughts of my six-month-old at the time was weaned immediately because I had to undergo surgeries and chemo and that I fear, at times, the aftermath - the postpartum period, of this new little one. Yes, lots of fears. Am I lacking in faith? I don't think so. I think that I'm allowed this, I am, after all, only human. I've done nothing superhuman by any means.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Sunday, June 06, 2010
National Cancer Survivor's Day today. I am a survivor. I have been since October 2007. It seems like so long ago. And yet, at the same time, it seems like it was just yesterday. I am eternally grateful for all the love and support I have received. I am saddened that there are not more celebrating this day with me as their fight was much more worthy. But I am grateful, very grateful.
I usually participate up in Ann Arbor. I didn't today. Husband isn't around. Other events going on. Excuses I know. Sometimes I just try to separate myself from it all. I don't partipate in Relay for Life events. I haven't done a lymphoma walk. I still have issues with it all. Weird, isn't it? I'm in remission and in other people's eyes, I should be doing everything. But I don't. I still don't bring it up often. I still, at times, really have a hard time saying it out loud. When will I be okay with it? I don't know. I really don't know.
In any event, at this moment, I am proud to say I am a survivor. I fought one of the hardest battles and made it through. I am currently pregnant with my third child as a testament to regaining my health and my life. I am watching my two boys grow each day. My husband and I continue to grow closer. My family and friends are great supports for all my endeavors and I hope, in turn, I am one to them. Cancer. It truly sucks. But within it, there are blessings abound if you can get beyond the ugliness and madness that it stirs.
Livestrong. I do. Everyday.
I usually participate up in Ann Arbor. I didn't today. Husband isn't around. Other events going on. Excuses I know. Sometimes I just try to separate myself from it all. I don't partipate in Relay for Life events. I haven't done a lymphoma walk. I still have issues with it all. Weird, isn't it? I'm in remission and in other people's eyes, I should be doing everything. But I don't. I still don't bring it up often. I still, at times, really have a hard time saying it out loud. When will I be okay with it? I don't know. I really don't know.
In any event, at this moment, I am proud to say I am a survivor. I fought one of the hardest battles and made it through. I am currently pregnant with my third child as a testament to regaining my health and my life. I am watching my two boys grow each day. My husband and I continue to grow closer. My family and friends are great supports for all my endeavors and I hope, in turn, I am one to them. Cancer. It truly sucks. But within it, there are blessings abound if you can get beyond the ugliness and madness that it stirs.
Livestrong. I do. Everyday.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Have you ever watched the movie "The Proposal" with Sandra Bullock? We just watched it over the weekend and I am enthrolled with it. The main character is such a great example of me, as I have been known to be for the majority of my life, including periods of time of my current time. I'm laughing, truly, because it is hilarious. You must see it and if you've known me for a long time, I just don't see how you could not agree. When I watch it and I remember what a hard ass I used to be, well, it makes me thankful that I managed to tune in to my softer side, the side that allows feelings in despite the vulnerability that it causes.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
My husband travels on occassion for work. When he does, I gather the boys in my bed and I try not to worry. I worry about the safety of my husband, the house, life, etc. I have sleepless nights until he comes home. Trust me, this is not a rant. This is just how much life is when he's not around. I listen for every sound and movement, I think about all the things on the to-do list that need to be done before he gets home, I ponder my ability to accomplish things without falling apart. LOL Crazy, I know because I'm sure he doesn't do this when I travel...lol. Actually, when I travel, the same thing happens except I can't gather my boys in my bed. I still worry, I still think, I still have sleepless nights. Insane, I tell you!
Friday, May 21, 2010
I've spent the past couple days with my littlest man. I realize that no child beyond the first, will ever have the opportunity to have the quality time that he had, but we have our moments where we try with subsequent children. For me, as you know, I have lots of time that I need to catch up on with my littlest man. After all, unbeknownst to him, he went through a lot when I got a sick. He totally didn't get the benefits of breastfeeding the whole 15 months the first one did, he didn't get the time I put in, he didn't even get a quarter of the pictures that the first one had, or currently has....he just didn't get as much. And so, I have to admit, he stays in the bed longer with me, I baby him more, I indulge a bit more, to try and make up for it. And I'm sure he knows it. And I'm sure he takes advantage of it. And I let him. What can I say? He's my littlest guy and that's what I do.
The interesting thing will be what will happen when the new baby gets here. He will become the middle child. No insult meant towards middle children, but they are in a precarious spot in the family lineage. I don't want him to get lost in the shuffle, but can you see how that could happen? He's a pretty independent little guy so he doesn't really "need" help with things, so he won't necessarily ask or call attention to himself. It will be interesting. Definitely.
The interesting thing will be what will happen when the new baby gets here. He will become the middle child. No insult meant towards middle children, but they are in a precarious spot in the family lineage. I don't want him to get lost in the shuffle, but can you see how that could happen? He's a pretty independent little guy so he doesn't really "need" help with things, so he won't necessarily ask or call attention to himself. It will be interesting. Definitely.
My oldest son has suffered with food allergies since he was a baby. Shortly after he was born, I had to alter my diet and get rid of the common allergens in my diet so that I could continue to breastfeed him. All regular formulas did nothing to help his situation. He ended up on presciption formula that I had to bid on eBay to get because the insurance company wouldn't cover the costs. He was on this for over a year. Bidding against other parents who had similar issues. It was intense. And that is without talking about the medicines for the reflux and other things. I'm grateful that he takes meds so well to this day because that's all he's known. Whereas the other one, yeah, that's a bit harder. Trust me, when I have to straddle him down just to shoot the thing in his mouth and for him to turn around and spit it back out....yeah, not so fun.
Anyway, whenever we go out, we have to explain the things that need to be done and avoided when we order for him. Yesterday was one of those days. I was too tired, too lazy to find something to cook. So we went out. I wanted to just go to Bob E*vans and make it simple. That didn't happen. We ended up trying someplace new. We ordered two kiddie hot dog meals with NO bun. She comes back and says they don't have any more hot dogs. I laugh on the inside and smirk thinking what kind of place is this? So we change the order to hamburgers, no bun, no cheese. She comes back with two hamburgers on buns. Well, when you do that, he can't have the hamburger because it's already touched the bread. We told her that. She comes back and says those were the last two hamburgers. No problem, we'll leave. Pay for the dinner that she put in front of me and go somewhere else.
He fell apart. All these years of having to explain and now someone telling him he couldn't eat because of his allergies just tore him apart. He was balling. I felt so bad... He thought it was his fault, that he had allergies. How many times have I had to try and disspell that thought only to be foiled by this woman who was an insensitive idiot (I'm trying to stay g-rated here).
I have tried, many times, to ensure that my child knows that his allergies are not his fault. But I KNOW how very frustrating it is for him whenever we are out that there isn't always going to be something he can eat. Hell, it's frustrating for me to always have to think ahead and sometimes I don't do that. So for him, it sucks royally. I want for him to outgrow it, I really do, but I know that takes time. And during that time, I, as his mother, really need to step up to the plate more. I'm slacking and wallowing in my own misery lately. And that's not fair to him.
He's the most compassionate and caring little person I know. He's a wonderful big brother and son and I want the world to be at his beck and call. Uggg, I'm a sopping mess now. Frustration and love, two different emotions evoked by the same thing. That's being a mother, I guess. (((SIGH)))
Anyway, whenever we go out, we have to explain the things that need to be done and avoided when we order for him. Yesterday was one of those days. I was too tired, too lazy to find something to cook. So we went out. I wanted to just go to Bob E*vans and make it simple. That didn't happen. We ended up trying someplace new. We ordered two kiddie hot dog meals with NO bun. She comes back and says they don't have any more hot dogs. I laugh on the inside and smirk thinking what kind of place is this? So we change the order to hamburgers, no bun, no cheese. She comes back with two hamburgers on buns. Well, when you do that, he can't have the hamburger because it's already touched the bread. We told her that. She comes back and says those were the last two hamburgers. No problem, we'll leave. Pay for the dinner that she put in front of me and go somewhere else.
He fell apart. All these years of having to explain and now someone telling him he couldn't eat because of his allergies just tore him apart. He was balling. I felt so bad... He thought it was his fault, that he had allergies. How many times have I had to try and disspell that thought only to be foiled by this woman who was an insensitive idiot (I'm trying to stay g-rated here).
I have tried, many times, to ensure that my child knows that his allergies are not his fault. But I KNOW how very frustrating it is for him whenever we are out that there isn't always going to be something he can eat. Hell, it's frustrating for me to always have to think ahead and sometimes I don't do that. So for him, it sucks royally. I want for him to outgrow it, I really do, but I know that takes time. And during that time, I, as his mother, really need to step up to the plate more. I'm slacking and wallowing in my own misery lately. And that's not fair to him.
He's the most compassionate and caring little person I know. He's a wonderful big brother and son and I want the world to be at his beck and call. Uggg, I'm a sopping mess now. Frustration and love, two different emotions evoked by the same thing. That's being a mother, I guess. (((SIGH)))
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
I feel I am lucky enough that every year, I find a poem that speaks to how I feel as a mother. As Mother's Day approaches, I am grateful for having the opportunity to be one to not just one little person, but two and a third on the way. And that doesn't count my godchildren, nieces and nephews, and just little people of big people I care about. :)
Happy Mommy's Day to all my gurlzzzzzzzzzz!! :)
MOTHERS
Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
They don’t have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
Are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
Filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough
Doesn't come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what
The vacuum just sucked up...
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
And get their answer when a little
Voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child’s growth
Is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to
Mom to Mother.....
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't know everything!
14 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother? She wouldn't have a clue.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's so five minutes ago
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows,
And the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
Happy Mommy's Day to all my gurlzzzzzzzzzz!! :)
MOTHERS
Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
They don’t have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
Are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
Filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough
Doesn't come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what
The vacuum just sucked up...
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
And get their answer when a little
Voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child’s growth
Is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mommy to
Mom to Mother.....
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't know everything!
14 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother? She wouldn't have a clue.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's so five minutes ago
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows,
And the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I was going through some old paperwork that I needed to shred and get rid of. I found my medical forms from 2007. Very hard to read them and yet I couldn't shred them. Isn't that crazy? Why would I want to keep those things? Why do I need the extra baggage of that when I have enough in my head? I have no idea. I just couldn't shred them. Maybe to me, they're like a part of history, a part that I'm still trying to get through. Maybe I can't get rid of them until I'm five years out, when they finally tell me I'm cured. I don't know. I just can't let go of them...not right now anyway.
A former student of mine contacted me the other day. Told me he had a friend that he just found out has cancer. Did I have any words or advice for him? How overwhelming it can be at times for me to hear about this. To know another young person has to literally pause their life so they can go through treatment and deal with the pain, physically and mentally. I shared much of what I could at that moment. I felt saddened by it all.
Those pictures that I talked about in my last post. I read through them and feel like I haven't done enough since coming out of treatment. I wonder if I truly got what I was supposed to get out of the experience because some days, I don't seem to act any differently than before I was sick. I'm still a pain in the butt to people, I'm still stubborn, I'm still angry about the little things. I have moments when I believe I've changed. Okay, I know I have changed in some ways, but I don't think to the extent that I am credited for. I think I would have changed regardless, just by age, experience, wisdom, etc., so I don't know if I can equate it all to having cancer. Wow, did I just downplay my experience?
I was in a supervision meeting with my intern. And let me say, I truly do enjoy supervising counseling students...so interesting to be on the other side of the table. Anyway, I was trying to process one of her cases with her and it came down to her shedding some tears in our meeting. As a counselor, the shedding of tears has been significant because it shows a breakthrough moment...which she had. I felt good about helping her through that process and I did so by talking about my own experience with cancer. And I didn't cry and I remained quite calm and even. I surprised myself that day. To know that I could get beyond the tears when I spoke of some of my experience. Because usually, that's not the case. But then again, this session wasn't about me and maybe that made the difference. I don't recall crying much when I was trying to help my former student with his situation with his friend either. Guess I'm okay when the focus is not on me.
A former student of mine contacted me the other day. Told me he had a friend that he just found out has cancer. Did I have any words or advice for him? How overwhelming it can be at times for me to hear about this. To know another young person has to literally pause their life so they can go through treatment and deal with the pain, physically and mentally. I shared much of what I could at that moment. I felt saddened by it all.
Those pictures that I talked about in my last post. I read through them and feel like I haven't done enough since coming out of treatment. I wonder if I truly got what I was supposed to get out of the experience because some days, I don't seem to act any differently than before I was sick. I'm still a pain in the butt to people, I'm still stubborn, I'm still angry about the little things. I have moments when I believe I've changed. Okay, I know I have changed in some ways, but I don't think to the extent that I am credited for. I think I would have changed regardless, just by age, experience, wisdom, etc., so I don't know if I can equate it all to having cancer. Wow, did I just downplay my experience?
I was in a supervision meeting with my intern. And let me say, I truly do enjoy supervising counseling students...so interesting to be on the other side of the table. Anyway, I was trying to process one of her cases with her and it came down to her shedding some tears in our meeting. As a counselor, the shedding of tears has been significant because it shows a breakthrough moment...which she had. I felt good about helping her through that process and I did so by talking about my own experience with cancer. And I didn't cry and I remained quite calm and even. I surprised myself that day. To know that I could get beyond the tears when I spoke of some of my experience. Because usually, that's not the case. But then again, this session wasn't about me and maybe that made the difference. I don't recall crying much when I was trying to help my former student with his situation with his friend either. Guess I'm okay when the focus is not on me.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I haven't even gone through a third of these pics but I am, slowly, but surely. Reading what others say about their life and cancer. I've cried through the ones I have read, and I'm sure there are more tears to be shed along the way. Thought I would share with you because it's important.
I'm not scheduled for another visit to the Cancer Center. Very odd to type that, let alone hearing it yesterday. I'm supposed to call after I give birth, six months from now, to see where we stand and what to do next. My safety net seems farther away, but this time the fear is not so overwhelming. I'm okay with it. And I will probably cherish not having to anticipate the visit for a bit.
They say I look good and everything else looks fine. That didn't stop me from getting a mani/pedi afterwards, but it did allow me to enjoy it a bit more. :) I guess now I can give myself a break, some time, to enjoy this baby that is on the way. To enjoy my two boys and their rambuctious selves. And to really enjoy this life that I am blessed to have. I live in fear a lot of days - not just of the cancer, but so many other worries. And I'm starting to realize that maybe it's really not worth all the emotional stress that I go through. Truly, I can really say, I've battled cancer and I'm still here! What more can really bring me to that point except that very point and who is to say when that would be and who is to say if that will ever occur so why not live life a little bit better than before, right?
They say I look good and everything else looks fine. That didn't stop me from getting a mani/pedi afterwards, but it did allow me to enjoy it a bit more. :) I guess now I can give myself a break, some time, to enjoy this baby that is on the way. To enjoy my two boys and their rambuctious selves. And to really enjoy this life that I am blessed to have. I live in fear a lot of days - not just of the cancer, but so many other worries. And I'm starting to realize that maybe it's really not worth all the emotional stress that I go through. Truly, I can really say, I've battled cancer and I'm still here! What more can really bring me to that point except that very point and who is to say when that would be and who is to say if that will ever occur so why not live life a little bit better than before, right?
Monday, April 26, 2010
Time ticks on. Waiting in the waiting room. Checked in an hour earlier than my appointment, but already told that it wouldn't make a difference to see the doctor. LOL Go figure. I could be late and still be on time to see him, that's how busy he is. They've changed the waiting room. The pediatric check-in is now on the same end the adult check-in is at. That's hard. Lots of kids today. I hear the crying, the sad faces.
But outside of that, I enjoy my time here in this city. Everytime I come back, I find myself smiling, looking at simple things like the trees and feeling a sense of peace in the surrounding. Weird, eh? If I could move here, I really would. It really is a dynamic town. Depending on what time I get out of here, I will be making a stop for some dessert...my treat to myself. LOL Yes, I have started to believe in the notion of treating oneself...it's necessary and vital. :)
Fifteen weeks today. Saw the OB and everything is good. His assistant scared me for a second as she couldn't find the heartbeat. Time ticks very slowly at that point when I'm listening and not hearing a steady rhythm. But in the end, she finds it and all is well. He asked me if I had questions. I had nothing for him. And in turn, he had nothing for me either. Third one is the charm. LOL He says I kind of know the routine by now. He did bring up the fact that I delivered four weeks early the last time. That's one week less than they like. He started to talking to me about hormone shots that would commence at 17 weeks but said that he's not really going to push that. He doesn't think I really need it. I did explain to him how the last delivery happened. He laughed and probably thinks it was a fluke that I knew when I was going to deliver. Oh well. I know what happened and maybe I was just in-tune with things then. :) He asked if I could just wait until 37 weeks this time.
I'm tired. I really need to stop. Take a break. Stop worrying...about work...about home...about the kids...about everything...just stop. But there's not enough time in the day to take a break. And moments when I've just lost all concentration, I still totally don't do anything productive like stopping.
But outside of that, I enjoy my time here in this city. Everytime I come back, I find myself smiling, looking at simple things like the trees and feeling a sense of peace in the surrounding. Weird, eh? If I could move here, I really would. It really is a dynamic town. Depending on what time I get out of here, I will be making a stop for some dessert...my treat to myself. LOL Yes, I have started to believe in the notion of treating oneself...it's necessary and vital. :)
Fifteen weeks today. Saw the OB and everything is good. His assistant scared me for a second as she couldn't find the heartbeat. Time ticks very slowly at that point when I'm listening and not hearing a steady rhythm. But in the end, she finds it and all is well. He asked me if I had questions. I had nothing for him. And in turn, he had nothing for me either. Third one is the charm. LOL He says I kind of know the routine by now. He did bring up the fact that I delivered four weeks early the last time. That's one week less than they like. He started to talking to me about hormone shots that would commence at 17 weeks but said that he's not really going to push that. He doesn't think I really need it. I did explain to him how the last delivery happened. He laughed and probably thinks it was a fluke that I knew when I was going to deliver. Oh well. I know what happened and maybe I was just in-tune with things then. :) He asked if I could just wait until 37 weeks this time.
I'm tired. I really need to stop. Take a break. Stop worrying...about work...about home...about the kids...about everything...just stop. But there's not enough time in the day to take a break. And moments when I've just lost all concentration, I still totally don't do anything productive like stopping.
Friday, April 23, 2010
I am scheduled to see my oncologist on Monday. No scans this time. Just bloodwork and a physical check of the various areas where the lymph nodes would be noticed if they were enlarged. I cannot express how scary it is to not have a scan, to not have actual photos of my insides that show activity or lack of. I won't scans for a while due to the pregnancy. It's a bit overwhelming and can cause uneasiness. But all I can do is pray and hope that all is well within my body.
I had a momentary breakdown over the weekend. I finally verbalized my guilt with my youngest when I got sick. It was hard to actually say how I felt, even though I've known it all along. As much as I know he adjusted fine to my absence and my return, I cannot help but feel bad...for what? For getting sick, for losing time, for not being strong enough for my littlest man during a time where he was growing exponentially in size and skill. I look back at pictures of those times and I wasn't in much of them, not that I ever am, but I know I wasn't there for whatever reason.
I don't know what this pregnancy will do as far as my cancer. I don't know what effects it will hold. I pray that I will deliver a healthy child and that I will be able to watch all three of my children grow into adulthood. That scares to ponder that there is a chance I won't be there. I know, I know, why am I thinking that? Because mortality, once faced, is not something I can ignore. I really can't. I want to, but I can't...
I had a momentary breakdown over the weekend. I finally verbalized my guilt with my youngest when I got sick. It was hard to actually say how I felt, even though I've known it all along. As much as I know he adjusted fine to my absence and my return, I cannot help but feel bad...for what? For getting sick, for losing time, for not being strong enough for my littlest man during a time where he was growing exponentially in size and skill. I look back at pictures of those times and I wasn't in much of them, not that I ever am, but I know I wasn't there for whatever reason.
I don't know what this pregnancy will do as far as my cancer. I don't know what effects it will hold. I pray that I will deliver a healthy child and that I will be able to watch all three of my children grow into adulthood. That scares to ponder that there is a chance I won't be there. I know, I know, why am I thinking that? Because mortality, once faced, is not something I can ignore. I really can't. I want to, but I can't...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The boys know there is a new baby on the way. They are extremely sweet with giving hugs, asking how the baby is doing, being sweet to one another, and so much more. It's very endearing and I love to watch it. It's always so hard to think that my heart can squeeze in one more person to love. But I guess that's the same as when I was expecting the second when my heart was overflowing with love for my first. LOL And there's always room for one more, more love for one more. I'm getting more and more excited. Possibly because I'm looking more and more...well, pregnant. LOL It seemed unrealistic for a bit of time. Now, I can't really deny the bulge.
I have moments of panic. Wondering what I will do with three. How will I handle three...and work full-time..and run a household and do all that I do...without losing my mind. I know it somehow all works out. But I still wonder. How will I do it all? I know I have a supermom complex, but I accepted many things, out of necessity, when I got sick and went through treatment. Those things I worked on after treatment, to move beyond my sickness. But with three...well, the curious thought would be that I would do what it is that other moms do and that is try to be supermom. Right? Wow. Three. My favorite number. Go figure.
I have moments of panic. Wondering what I will do with three. How will I handle three...and work full-time..and run a household and do all that I do...without losing my mind. I know it somehow all works out. But I still wonder. How will I do it all? I know I have a supermom complex, but I accepted many things, out of necessity, when I got sick and went through treatment. Those things I worked on after treatment, to move beyond my sickness. But with three...well, the curious thought would be that I would do what it is that other moms do and that is try to be supermom. Right? Wow. Three. My favorite number. Go figure.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
I wish I could share with you all the thoughts I have had since my last blog. Unfortunately I can't, although I believe I have much to share, so much has gone through my head, that I honestly don't remember it all. I think mostly and clearly in the early morning, and I think critically on my drive to work. In that, of course, I can't type out my thoughts at that particular moment. However, I've been everywhere with my thoughts...somehow all related to one another, I am seeing.
Today's thoughts were about how I wouldn't know and believe in God so strongly if it weren't for the tragedies, the fear, the seemingly "wrong" things that happen. In a way, that's a sad thing because it would seem that I should believe regardless...and I do, but my emphasis is that it was made stronger when I continued to be faced with challenges, in fact, as I continue to face challenges.
Lately, I've been open about the fact that since I got sick and went through treatment, I've become crass in my demeaner. Of course, I just looked up the definition and it says that it's "unrefined as to be lacking in discrimination and sensibility" (wordnetweb.princeton.edu). So, maybe I'm not that extreme, but I tend to not hold back anymore, I tend to say what I feel and I don't necessarily feel bad about it. It allows me to be at the least, honest. Maybe I could say things in a bit more tactful way, and I have moments where I do think first but for the most part, I just say what I feel and go with it.
As of late, I find myself not knowing what to say. Maybe the thoughts are all getting jumbled back up in my head. I have been quiet about many things. Every once in a while, I do say something, and think back that maybe I shouldn't have.. I know that place..I was there before I got sick. It causes me anguish, worry, sadness. Maybe this is my hormones talking, I don't know. I just find myself at various crossroads, looking down each path and wondering what to do.
It is National Young Adult Cancer Awareness Week. I've read various stories about other people in my age range going through the rigors of this disease. I've shed many tears both for their losses and their wins...I've shed tears for my own. As much as I think that I've finally gotten past this cancer thing, I realize that I'm forever bound to it. My life is defined with it as a component. Even after I reach my cure date, five years post treatment, it will still be part of my definition.
We all have friends who have been touched by cancer in some way or another. You all have been touched by it because of what I went through. Some have dealt with it better than others. And that's okay. I can honestly say that most of you don't think much of that time long ago when you see me. There are no visible signs that would make it obvious. The most would be seeing the scar where my mediport was or noticing the tattoo dots from the radiation treatments. The sadness, the anger, the frustrations are mostly gone. It wasn't easy...months of therapy - talk, art, music, drugs - yes, I tried lots of things to get beyond those feelings. And my husband will tell you that even just as little as a year ago, I was different than I am today. Still struggling at various times, lost and alone. I pray for you, my friends, who have been touched by this disease, that your sadness, anger, frustrations and other emotions and physical ailments that have been brought on by the stress of it, that God can enter and help you heal and find peace. That YOU will allow Him to help you. That your anger is not displaced towards Him, although He would understand it. I pray that these emotions be channelled in a way that will allow more positive thoughts and emotions to come alive, that your faith brings you forward, instead of your fear and anger holding you back. You are NOT alone, you never have been. I pray for you peace, understanding, strength to hold on and belief that He has not forsaken you. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. James 1:5 (NIV): If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
Today has been a snippet of thoughts. I hope I have enough to share the rest in the coming days. May you find the beauty of a closed flower timidly trying to break through the ground today...
Today's thoughts were about how I wouldn't know and believe in God so strongly if it weren't for the tragedies, the fear, the seemingly "wrong" things that happen. In a way, that's a sad thing because it would seem that I should believe regardless...and I do, but my emphasis is that it was made stronger when I continued to be faced with challenges, in fact, as I continue to face challenges.
Lately, I've been open about the fact that since I got sick and went through treatment, I've become crass in my demeaner. Of course, I just looked up the definition and it says that it's "unrefined as to be lacking in discrimination and sensibility" (wordnetweb.princeton.edu). So, maybe I'm not that extreme, but I tend to not hold back anymore, I tend to say what I feel and I don't necessarily feel bad about it. It allows me to be at the least, honest. Maybe I could say things in a bit more tactful way, and I have moments where I do think first but for the most part, I just say what I feel and go with it.
As of late, I find myself not knowing what to say. Maybe the thoughts are all getting jumbled back up in my head. I have been quiet about many things. Every once in a while, I do say something, and think back that maybe I shouldn't have.. I know that place..I was there before I got sick. It causes me anguish, worry, sadness. Maybe this is my hormones talking, I don't know. I just find myself at various crossroads, looking down each path and wondering what to do.
It is National Young Adult Cancer Awareness Week. I've read various stories about other people in my age range going through the rigors of this disease. I've shed many tears both for their losses and their wins...I've shed tears for my own. As much as I think that I've finally gotten past this cancer thing, I realize that I'm forever bound to it. My life is defined with it as a component. Even after I reach my cure date, five years post treatment, it will still be part of my definition.
We all have friends who have been touched by cancer in some way or another. You all have been touched by it because of what I went through. Some have dealt with it better than others. And that's okay. I can honestly say that most of you don't think much of that time long ago when you see me. There are no visible signs that would make it obvious. The most would be seeing the scar where my mediport was or noticing the tattoo dots from the radiation treatments. The sadness, the anger, the frustrations are mostly gone. It wasn't easy...months of therapy - talk, art, music, drugs - yes, I tried lots of things to get beyond those feelings. And my husband will tell you that even just as little as a year ago, I was different than I am today. Still struggling at various times, lost and alone. I pray for you, my friends, who have been touched by this disease, that your sadness, anger, frustrations and other emotions and physical ailments that have been brought on by the stress of it, that God can enter and help you heal and find peace. That YOU will allow Him to help you. That your anger is not displaced towards Him, although He would understand it. I pray that these emotions be channelled in a way that will allow more positive thoughts and emotions to come alive, that your faith brings you forward, instead of your fear and anger holding you back. You are NOT alone, you never have been. I pray for you peace, understanding, strength to hold on and belief that He has not forsaken you. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen. James 1:5 (NIV): If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
Today has been a snippet of thoughts. I hope I have enough to share the rest in the coming days. May you find the beauty of a closed flower timidly trying to break through the ground today...
Monday, March 29, 2010
My youngest son turned three a couple days ago. It's been a busy weekend and I didn't have time to sit and blog. But I don't want another moment to pass by...
Three years old...wow, my second born. I remember the night vividly. A night where my oldest needed more hugs, more calming words, as if he knew that I wouldn't be there when he woke up. My water broke around 11-11:30 PM. No immediate contractions as it happened with my first. I continued to reassure him. I eventually called the doctor. We got in the car. Contractions continued to progress. Two hours after my water broke, little man made his appearance. No time for drugs, just pushing. By early morning, I was up and singing to my new little guy. :)
Every year, he continues to amaze me. His love of his brother, his family, of life is inspiring. I love his hugs, his kisses on both cheeks, his laughter, the unconditional love and trust he has. He wants to be a big boy, just like his brother. I want him to stay a baby, just like I had remember when I had to wean him at six months. But I can't have my wish, because it's his birthday. :)
I wish for him continued glee in his every day living. I wish to be part of his every day glee. May his heart continue to grow with compassion, love and understanding. May he always know that I love him, that I will always be there. I love you, little man, I love you.
Three years old...wow, my second born. I remember the night vividly. A night where my oldest needed more hugs, more calming words, as if he knew that I wouldn't be there when he woke up. My water broke around 11-11:30 PM. No immediate contractions as it happened with my first. I continued to reassure him. I eventually called the doctor. We got in the car. Contractions continued to progress. Two hours after my water broke, little man made his appearance. No time for drugs, just pushing. By early morning, I was up and singing to my new little guy. :)
Every year, he continues to amaze me. His love of his brother, his family, of life is inspiring. I love his hugs, his kisses on both cheeks, his laughter, the unconditional love and trust he has. He wants to be a big boy, just like his brother. I want him to stay a baby, just like I had remember when I had to wean him at six months. But I can't have my wish, because it's his birthday. :)
I wish for him continued glee in his every day living. I wish to be part of his every day glee. May his heart continue to grow with compassion, love and understanding. May he always know that I love him, that I will always be there. I love you, little man, I love you.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My mom and oldest son were in a car accident last Thursday. I know, right?! How is it that things are happening? I have struggled with that question as of late...wondering what these series of events are leading to...(((sigh))) It is preparation, for something so much greater, I know that because each time, my family continues to walk away unscathed. We grow stronger each time, we continue to be blessed each time. My mom and son are well. They are fine. I am grateful for the continued protection. Psalm 46:1 (KJV) - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. That verse was one that got me through many chemo treatments. It continues to get me through now.
In times when our life seems to be going in a downward spiral, I try very hard to not lose hope, to not lose my faith even though it seems to easy to do. These are the times that I know I am tested, and I can only hope that I do my best to pass. Being prey in our weakest moments is what I fight because the temptation to allow the anger and frustrations to take over is so easy. But the strength by which faith and hope can conquer, is so much more rewarding. It doesn't take much to believe in the bad things, but I don't think it's worth it in the end.
In times when our life seems to be going in a downward spiral, I try very hard to not lose hope, to not lose my faith even though it seems to easy to do. These are the times that I know I am tested, and I can only hope that I do my best to pass. Being prey in our weakest moments is what I fight because the temptation to allow the anger and frustrations to take over is so easy. But the strength by which faith and hope can conquer, is so much more rewarding. It doesn't take much to believe in the bad things, but I don't think it's worth it in the end.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I had an echo done yesterday. All is well with my heart. That's what they say. I'm good with that. One less thing to worry about. I've got enough going on without that adding to things. Maybe, possibly, I can actually think about this new prospect now. I unfortunately haven't given it the time that I think it deserves. Possibly because I am still in a bit of shock. Friends are thrilled. Sometimes I wonder for what reason...the prospect of a little one, or the idea that I'm actually back to "normal" and have a chance for another one. Hard to gauge and I don't really ask. I'm sure it's a combination of the two. I get the feeling that announcing that I'm pregnant and knowing I'm in remission for cancer implies many things and the hope, of course, is that I am well. Because why would I be in this situation if I wasn't? Right? Pregnancy brings about much anticipation and excitement. I am both. I feel old. But I feel both. Many times you have heard me say that I want to be there to see my children grow old. That's the plan and I don't have reason to think otherwise. Two years post-treatment and my scans are clean. I am thankful.
Luke 12:48 - But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. This has been on my mind of late. March is a huge month for me. My two boys were born this month and I finished treatment this month, just to name a couple. So I have been given a lot in this month. And as you know, I realize I serve a purpose and that means that I know I have things I have to do. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by knowing that. Sometimes I am not. But knowing how much I have been blessed through my lifetime, well I figure I have a lot to give back for. :)
I have much on my to-do list. My hopes is that I can keep up and keep you posted along the way. The next few months will fly by, I'm sure. So hold on to your hats!
Luke 12:48 - But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. This has been on my mind of late. March is a huge month for me. My two boys were born this month and I finished treatment this month, just to name a couple. So I have been given a lot in this month. And as you know, I realize I serve a purpose and that means that I know I have things I have to do. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by knowing that. Sometimes I am not. But knowing how much I have been blessed through my lifetime, well I figure I have a lot to give back for. :)
I have much on my to-do list. My hopes is that I can keep up and keep you posted along the way. The next few months will fly by, I'm sure. So hold on to your hats!
Friday, March 12, 2010
My prince is six today!!! Where has all the time gone? Wow.... He's a great kid...awesome big brother. So much is on his shoulders because he's the first child. All the expectations of motherhood I had in him. That's a lot of pressure, don't you think? He's taught me much. He's showed me a lot. He's given me even more.
The other day he asked me "Will you always love me?" "Yes! Always!" "Even when I make you mad?" "Yes, there's nothing that you would do that make me not love you." Big hugs!!! Those moments, those questions, come more often as he is trying to figure out this world where his mom goes ballistic at times. :)
I truly want to give him the world. I truly want to be there through all his years. I truly want to see the man I know he will become. I truly love him...with all my heart...the past seven years have flown by...he's a big boy now but in my heart, he'll always be my baby. <3
The other day he asked me "Will you always love me?" "Yes! Always!" "Even when I make you mad?" "Yes, there's nothing that you would do that make me not love you." Big hugs!!! Those moments, those questions, come more often as he is trying to figure out this world where his mom goes ballistic at times. :)
I truly want to give him the world. I truly want to be there through all his years. I truly want to see the man I know he will become. I truly love him...with all my heart...the past seven years have flown by...he's a big boy now but in my heart, he'll always be my baby. <3
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Today is my grandfather's death anniversary. Twenty-four years since he's been gone. I still miss him tremendously. I know he watches over me and the family.
Do you believe in angels? I know I have one, at least one, looking over me. I don't know who it is, but I just know. People come and go in my life. I don't consider it coincidence, I consider it a matter of timing. Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys. --Emma Bull. People have seasons in my life. Some come back every so often, and some don't. Each day that passes, I come into that realization much more. My brother texted me yesterday while I was driving. He sent a picture and asked what I was doing. I text back that I'm laughing. His reply, "Nice. Wanted to make you laugh. Guess it worked." Now how did he know I needed to laugh? I can only assume that his guardian angel and mine's were talking. :)
You know that chatter in your head? The ones where you are going over lists, to-dos, etc.? I have a lot of that in mine. It makes it hard for me to actually hear much of anything else. So then I react to the frustration of trying to hear and hearing the chatter. For example, my kids when they are talking and playing and I'm trying to get them to listen and they're not and so my decibels get louder and louder, trying to drown out all the noise. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I miss so much. All this time that I continue to wonder about what I'm supposed to be doing and stuff, I wonder at times, if the answer has always been there but I think too much about it. In fact, honestly, I think that's exactly what happens. The little subtle moments are just that, subtle. Again, me, the one that needs the vivid 12 megapixel color shots needs lots of help. The accident? Wake up call, has to be. The only thing I can attribute it to for someone who needs more than just subtle cues. Make sense?
If I had more time to ponder the possibilities, I would. But my life requires that I be in the moment and my moments don't really have a pause button. I realize I blog to share my side of the story, but don't you ever want to engage in some of the stories too? I open the door for that...
Do you believe in angels? I know I have one, at least one, looking over me. I don't know who it is, but I just know. People come and go in my life. I don't consider it coincidence, I consider it a matter of timing. Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys. --Emma Bull. People have seasons in my life. Some come back every so often, and some don't. Each day that passes, I come into that realization much more. My brother texted me yesterday while I was driving. He sent a picture and asked what I was doing. I text back that I'm laughing. His reply, "Nice. Wanted to make you laugh. Guess it worked." Now how did he know I needed to laugh? I can only assume that his guardian angel and mine's were talking. :)
You know that chatter in your head? The ones where you are going over lists, to-dos, etc.? I have a lot of that in mine. It makes it hard for me to actually hear much of anything else. So then I react to the frustration of trying to hear and hearing the chatter. For example, my kids when they are talking and playing and I'm trying to get them to listen and they're not and so my decibels get louder and louder, trying to drown out all the noise. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I miss so much. All this time that I continue to wonder about what I'm supposed to be doing and stuff, I wonder at times, if the answer has always been there but I think too much about it. In fact, honestly, I think that's exactly what happens. The little subtle moments are just that, subtle. Again, me, the one that needs the vivid 12 megapixel color shots needs lots of help. The accident? Wake up call, has to be. The only thing I can attribute it to for someone who needs more than just subtle cues. Make sense?
If I had more time to ponder the possibilities, I would. But my life requires that I be in the moment and my moments don't really have a pause button. I realize I blog to share my side of the story, but don't you ever want to engage in some of the stories too? I open the door for that...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I was in a car accident with my youngest son yesterday. The roads were bad. We were on the freeway. I was coming around a bend and I felt the car sliding. I turned the wheel to try and straighten out the car. I lost control. 360 and we hit the median wall. The car stopped. I looked back to make sure he was okay. He started crying. I got out of the car and opened his door to check on him. I was scared out of my mind. I just wanted him to be okay.....
The car was my father-in-laws. I'm horrified. We were going to buy it from him, yes, but we hadn't yet. Everything was still in his name.
I declined an ambulance when I called 911. I didn't know. We eventually ended up in ER - I wanted to make sure my son was okay. I needed to make sure I was okay. Everytime I step into an ER, especially this one, it floods me with memories of that October in 2007. Everyone was calm, until they brought me up to the desk to finish checking in and I told them what happened. The rate of speed, the nurse looked at me and her eyes got big. She said something to someone who came over, looked on the screen and proceeded to make a call. I heard trauma on the loud speaker. A neck brace was being pulled out. She said I needed to lie down. I started to cry. They said that my son would be with his dad but I needed to be seen by the trauma team.
Let's back up a few hours....I was at the doctor's getting confirmation that I was indeed pregnant. I told my husband only a couple hours before the accident....he was blown out of the world with that news...and now we're in ER..
I got wheeled into a room full of people. Questions about the accident, questions about what hurts. Nothing hurts, I'm sore. My tolerance for pain is pretty high. I have some slight cramping. Ultrasound machine. Checking the heart window - no blood. Checking the kidneys and spleen - no blood. Checking the uterus - bladder is full. LOL There is a sac - still very small. I should be okay.
I relive it in my mind. The side that got damage was the passenger side - only God could've kept us that safe from harm. A wake up call? Maybe. But definitely he and I were surrounded by angels. Psalm 20:1 (NIV) - May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. No other car was involved. When it started, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet, I could only wait for the car to stop. Having my baby boy with me...I am grateful for the protection I have.
“The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson. I have to get beyond this. But I am scared. The circumstances have been set up and played out. The provisions are here. There is nothing to fear. Belief in the miracle, the action. Having faith.
I am sore. I feel every twinge right now. But the point is I can feel.
The car was my father-in-laws. I'm horrified. We were going to buy it from him, yes, but we hadn't yet. Everything was still in his name.
I declined an ambulance when I called 911. I didn't know. We eventually ended up in ER - I wanted to make sure my son was okay. I needed to make sure I was okay. Everytime I step into an ER, especially this one, it floods me with memories of that October in 2007. Everyone was calm, until they brought me up to the desk to finish checking in and I told them what happened. The rate of speed, the nurse looked at me and her eyes got big. She said something to someone who came over, looked on the screen and proceeded to make a call. I heard trauma on the loud speaker. A neck brace was being pulled out. She said I needed to lie down. I started to cry. They said that my son would be with his dad but I needed to be seen by the trauma team.
Let's back up a few hours....I was at the doctor's getting confirmation that I was indeed pregnant. I told my husband only a couple hours before the accident....he was blown out of the world with that news...and now we're in ER..
I got wheeled into a room full of people. Questions about the accident, questions about what hurts. Nothing hurts, I'm sore. My tolerance for pain is pretty high. I have some slight cramping. Ultrasound machine. Checking the heart window - no blood. Checking the kidneys and spleen - no blood. Checking the uterus - bladder is full. LOL There is a sac - still very small. I should be okay.
I relive it in my mind. The side that got damage was the passenger side - only God could've kept us that safe from harm. A wake up call? Maybe. But definitely he and I were surrounded by angels. Psalm 20:1 (NIV) - May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. No other car was involved. When it started, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet, I could only wait for the car to stop. Having my baby boy with me...I am grateful for the protection I have.
“The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson. I have to get beyond this. But I am scared. The circumstances have been set up and played out. The provisions are here. There is nothing to fear. Belief in the miracle, the action. Having faith.
I am sore. I feel every twinge right now. But the point is I can feel.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I haven't been around...I know. Life has been busy. Hectic. Chaotic. Especially at work. Can I tell you that I don't like to be a mean person? I can be a mean person, but I don't like to be. I think that most people would feel the same way. However, as someone who manages and supervises others, I have to do what's best for the whole, which is not necessarily the best for the individual and that causes a lot of conflict.
My role of helping others and gets me to the point where I want to do things that will essentially help them - give them a chance, maybe another one, provide resources, etc. But there's a fine line between that and enabling them by giving too much support that they can't do something themselves. So many roles!! Aughhh! Why I can't I just be surrounded by competency, quality and commitment?! What's with all this other stuff?
I'm laughing at myself. I know, I just went on a mini-tyraid. What do you expect? LOL Funny thing about people is that I get that they perceive me as someone who is this nice, passive, quiet person, etc. etc. But really? I'm not. People can attest that I'm stubborn, hardheaded and if you piss me off, you're pretty much done. Am I being deceptive? No. People just want to assume these things based upon looking at me. What's a 5'1" Filipino lady going to do? I will break it down and mess you up if I don't get the results that I need for my group. I have low tolerance, can you tell?
My role of helping others and gets me to the point where I want to do things that will essentially help them - give them a chance, maybe another one, provide resources, etc. But there's a fine line between that and enabling them by giving too much support that they can't do something themselves. So many roles!! Aughhh! Why I can't I just be surrounded by competency, quality and commitment?! What's with all this other stuff?
I'm laughing at myself. I know, I just went on a mini-tyraid. What do you expect? LOL Funny thing about people is that I get that they perceive me as someone who is this nice, passive, quiet person, etc. etc. But really? I'm not. People can attest that I'm stubborn, hardheaded and if you piss me off, you're pretty much done. Am I being deceptive? No. People just want to assume these things based upon looking at me. What's a 5'1" Filipino lady going to do? I will break it down and mess you up if I don't get the results that I need for my group. I have low tolerance, can you tell?
Monday, February 15, 2010
God is truly talking to me today!! The messages are about letting go and understanding I don't have control and I need to stop fighting that. Faith and trusting in Him. My Message From God today was: On this day of your life, Cristina, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.
My message on the Prescriptions for Hope with Dr. Kenya radio program today talked about more in that realm. The delays that we think are occurring are just moments in time when God is setting up our circumstance that He wants us to have. In these moments, our faith in Him must supercede those moments of panic and feelings of abandonment. The doubts of what we thought was supposed to be, or the feelings of "missing our moment" are moments when faith truly must be exercised. I saw a wall hanging over the weekend that said this "Faith - When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen...there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly." You know my post from January 29 has continued to bother (I'm not sure if that's the word I want to use but it has just lingered in my mind for a bit) me because the emotions I think I sent out was that I lacked faith and that wasn't what I wanted to prevail. Seeing this quote finally helped me to understand what I was trying to share. See, He shows us, if we are willing to listen and see, what we need to know, even in times when we were unprepared.
The message I received when I opened a reply to an email was I believe a piece of a poem from a German poet "Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms, or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." --Rainer Maria Rilke. This was actually a response to my supervisor asking me to write an essay about my dream job. I had many difficulties in writing it and I felt that I still had no answer by the time I turned it in. And yet, this response which was just a portion of what she shared with me, I found comforting because I felt vulnerable when I turned in my writing because it was more personal than I ever care to be in relation to work and because it just reiterated that there are so many things that I cannot control, including someone else's response to me.
Oh, the messages are abound! Yes, coming in 12 megapixels and full color today! I can't even deny not hearing, seeing or knowing. Wow. Days like this give me strength to move forward...to believe that as long as I trust in Him to carry me, I don't have to worry about much else. I heard it the other week - "If you're going to pray, don't worry. If you're going to worry, don't pray." Enough said, don't you think?
My message on the Prescriptions for Hope with Dr. Kenya radio program today talked about more in that realm. The delays that we think are occurring are just moments in time when God is setting up our circumstance that He wants us to have. In these moments, our faith in Him must supercede those moments of panic and feelings of abandonment. The doubts of what we thought was supposed to be, or the feelings of "missing our moment" are moments when faith truly must be exercised. I saw a wall hanging over the weekend that said this "Faith - When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen...there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly." You know my post from January 29 has continued to bother (I'm not sure if that's the word I want to use but it has just lingered in my mind for a bit) me because the emotions I think I sent out was that I lacked faith and that wasn't what I wanted to prevail. Seeing this quote finally helped me to understand what I was trying to share. See, He shows us, if we are willing to listen and see, what we need to know, even in times when we were unprepared.
The message I received when I opened a reply to an email was I believe a piece of a poem from a German poet "Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms, or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." --Rainer Maria Rilke. This was actually a response to my supervisor asking me to write an essay about my dream job. I had many difficulties in writing it and I felt that I still had no answer by the time I turned it in. And yet, this response which was just a portion of what she shared with me, I found comforting because I felt vulnerable when I turned in my writing because it was more personal than I ever care to be in relation to work and because it just reiterated that there are so many things that I cannot control, including someone else's response to me.
Oh, the messages are abound! Yes, coming in 12 megapixels and full color today! I can't even deny not hearing, seeing or knowing. Wow. Days like this give me strength to move forward...to believe that as long as I trust in Him to carry me, I don't have to worry about much else. I heard it the other week - "If you're going to pray, don't worry. If you're going to worry, don't pray." Enough said, don't you think?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Remember when Star*bucks used to have 'The Way I See It' cups? Quotations and/or anecdotes from various people about various things? I miss those cups!! I used to get excited about the prolific thought I would have as I sipped my coffee. LOL Okay, that sounds a bit dramatic but I did have inspiration at times from reading them. I figured one day, I would get quoted on one! :) Actually, side note here, I did find out that someone who used to read my old blog, actually quoted me! So I must be well on my way to being one of the great commentators of our time....yeah, right...LOL.
Anyway, as you've noticed, I seek out sayings. As much as I feel compelled to write because it helps me sort my thoughts, sometimes someone else's words say things much more eloquently than I ever can. And then from there, I find more things to talk about! :) I have to laugh because the other morning, I was having a discussion with son #1. He was getting upset with me and started crying. I asked him what the tears were for. He didn't say anything. I kept talking. Asked another question. Waited. Asked another question and then he finally said that he couldn't answer because I was talking too much! I internally wanted to bust out laughing but I had to stay in that moment with him and let him finish. But truly, inside, I was tickled by the comment. His dad used to comment about how quiet I was when we first started dating. And then now, I apparently can't stop talking! LOL Probably not amusing to you, but it's very funny and ironic to me because I really don't like to talk much. I write well but I don't like to talk.
But I don't want my sons to be that way. Maybe for them, I try harder. Apparently this morning, I tried too much and I should have stopped but next time I know. LOL, I'm still giggling. Part of me thinks I should be offended but it's funny. "While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." And that is exactly what little man did this morning. Being a mother is humbling, many times over.
"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns into compassion and understanding." -Erma Bombeck. Please note the word slowly in that quote. LOL I try everyday to have a little more patience than I had yesterday. Some days I make it and some days I don't. Some days I cry harder. I still feel residual guilt for getting sick. As resilient as my children are, I have moments where I blame myself for not being there as a mother, for changing the time when they should have been the focus of everyone's attention instead of me, for just not being able to hold and comfort them when they needed it.
And so to tie this all in with how I began (because I went on my usual tangent), I miss those Star*bucks cups because it would sometimes make me feel better about not being the supermom that I thought I was supposed to be. As I watch my girlfriends and I go through this motherhood realm, it amazes me how much we really do try to be invincible for our families. And only, rarely, do we ever give ourselves enough slack to realize that we don't have to be that.
So I've started having Star*bucks moments -with my husband, family and friends. Because the way I see it is this: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people mission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." --Maryanne Williamson. If I don't have moments with those that I love to share that we truly are on the path we're supposed to be, what moments do I actually have?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
SNOW DAY!!! Yes, indeedy, a snow day! As a child, these were days that I dreamt of. As an adult, these are days that I dream of. LOL Some things never change.
I've been in Michigan for a long time, over thirty years now. I love winter, as any January baby would (yes, I know I was born on an island, but I'm just saying). It's just a beautiful time of the year when it snows (assuming there is sunshine and some relative warmth). But AC and old age combined, winter starts to wreak a little havoc on the body. It hurts to be in this weather. The notions of moving away constantly floods my mind each day that there is no sun, there is no warmth.
And then I look at my four bedroom, two and a half bath, two story home on a corner lot. Our first home. We've come a long way since that apartment in Troy when we first got married almost ten years ago. My boys have room to run around, up and down. I sometimes get a reprieve if I hide in a closet, bathroom or spare bedroom. LOL It's not bad. So when the hubba asks if I would be willing to stay here indefinitely....well, I hesitate. That's the million dollar question, isn't it?
We wouldn't stay in this house. And so he offers me the opportunity to find another home in areas that would allow our boys to explore more, have more friends, more opportunities, etc. etc. Would it be bad to stay here? Nooo, but I've been ready to go for a while. I admit I have more baggage than he may have. The whole cancer thing is still huge. No matter where we end up, I need to know that I'm close to a cancer center that has a reputation of being a true cancer center. Yes, I know I'm on the way to being cured, but I'm not dumb or naive.
As parents we always want more for our kids. I definitely want more for mine. I want them to do more than I ever did. To say the least, being a biracial/biethnic family has its challenges. None that stand out in my mind at this moment. But it is interesting to listen to the issues that he has, versus the issues I had when growing up. And so that makes me think of our kids. Race shouldn't be a factor but at some point, it will be in their lives. I want them prepared to handle being who they are and being proud of that and not backing down from what they believe. But I want to give them the world, is that wrong? I want them to experience so many other things and sometimes I think that by staying here, it won't happen. I realize that's negativity talking, but don't you sometimes wonder how you'll do it? How will you raise the intellectual, yet street-wise, yet renaissance type of children? The children that can make a difference in lives, the children that will be happy and successful, the children that love and believe...
I watched my two boys play in the snow. Shoveling grass, making snow angels, throwing snow everywhere, including back onto the driveway. And then shuffling back in to get some soup and hot chocolate. Would I trade this time? Not at all. I only wish there were more times like it.
I've been in Michigan for a long time, over thirty years now. I love winter, as any January baby would (yes, I know I was born on an island, but I'm just saying). It's just a beautiful time of the year when it snows (assuming there is sunshine and some relative warmth). But AC and old age combined, winter starts to wreak a little havoc on the body. It hurts to be in this weather. The notions of moving away constantly floods my mind each day that there is no sun, there is no warmth.
And then I look at my four bedroom, two and a half bath, two story home on a corner lot. Our first home. We've come a long way since that apartment in Troy when we first got married almost ten years ago. My boys have room to run around, up and down. I sometimes get a reprieve if I hide in a closet, bathroom or spare bedroom. LOL It's not bad. So when the hubba asks if I would be willing to stay here indefinitely....well, I hesitate. That's the million dollar question, isn't it?
We wouldn't stay in this house. And so he offers me the opportunity to find another home in areas that would allow our boys to explore more, have more friends, more opportunities, etc. etc. Would it be bad to stay here? Nooo, but I've been ready to go for a while. I admit I have more baggage than he may have. The whole cancer thing is still huge. No matter where we end up, I need to know that I'm close to a cancer center that has a reputation of being a true cancer center. Yes, I know I'm on the way to being cured, but I'm not dumb or naive.
As parents we always want more for our kids. I definitely want more for mine. I want them to do more than I ever did. To say the least, being a biracial/biethnic family has its challenges. None that stand out in my mind at this moment. But it is interesting to listen to the issues that he has, versus the issues I had when growing up. And so that makes me think of our kids. Race shouldn't be a factor but at some point, it will be in their lives. I want them prepared to handle being who they are and being proud of that and not backing down from what they believe. But I want to give them the world, is that wrong? I want them to experience so many other things and sometimes I think that by staying here, it won't happen. I realize that's negativity talking, but don't you sometimes wonder how you'll do it? How will you raise the intellectual, yet street-wise, yet renaissance type of children? The children that can make a difference in lives, the children that will be happy and successful, the children that love and believe...
I watched my two boys play in the snow. Shoveling grass, making snow angels, throwing snow everywhere, including back onto the driveway. And then shuffling back in to get some soup and hot chocolate. Would I trade this time? Not at all. I only wish there were more times like it.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I'm a people watcher. Always have been and always will be. That probably has a lot to do with the fact that I'm a therapist. But don't take that the wrong way. I am a therapist when I'm supposed to be a therapist. I learned a long time ago not to put people 'on the couch' when they didn't make an appointment with my credentials. I think it's easy and quite truthful for me to say that when I'm not trying to be a therapist, I truly do miss various cues because I'm too caught up in my own things to notice. LOL I think that people give me too much credit for 'knowing' things.
One of the things that has changed about me AC is that I'm much more blunt about things. Sometimes I lack all sense of tactfulness. I try to make sure that doesn't happen too often but it does. I have remorse but strangely, not as much as I think I'm supposed to. All my life, I spent biting my tongue about things. I don't regret some of those times, but some of them I do. When I cared enough, I stood my ground, but for many times, much more than I care to admit, I let things happen.
But moreso than not, people get ticked off by what I say, or maybe moreso, how I say it. I'm not trying to imply I'm all-knowing, I'm just sharing my personal opinion. What's wrong with that? I have heard from people that I can be too opinionated. I laugh at that only because it's really rare that I even share my opinion. And honestly, how does my opinion even weigh that much? I'm only one person. I'm only me. Whether you get disappointed or mad at what I say, it's your choice to be that way, isn't it? Just like it's my choice to either let things get to me or to just keep on moving. But even my choices seem to imply that I could possibly not care once again. (((sigh)))
I learned that time is precious. I get to choose how my days run, how I carry myself and the things that I do. I don't get to do everything I should do, am supposed to do, or even want to do, but I do what I can. I don't always make the right decision, I don't always make the wrong one either. Sometimes I don't realize how impactive I can be, but sometimes I know how impactive I was. I guess as I'm typing all this, it's all really a toss-up. That control thing? Non-existent, but if it makes us feel better to think we have some, I guess that's what we use to get by.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
My littlest man is sick. The oldest was sick last week. It's hard for me when they are under the weather. It's rare the littlest one gets sick so it's even harder. I was on my way out to go to work this morning and he just started crying. How could I leave? I couldn't. And so I didn't. I appreciate the ability to work from home (and yes, I have been working, including calling in for a meeting). Something that I know is not always a possibility at various places. Hence, sometimes that makes it hard to think of moving on.
When little ones are sick, it's hard to get much done. They just want to be held. And so here I am, on the couch, holding a little body. The breathing is hard, the nose is dripping and the cough sounds weary. The eyes are tired and teary. And when you ask questions, there comes this little whisper answer. The eyes are closing, the breathing is slowing down...he's falling asleep. Poor baby. :(
This morning, the oldest saw my scar from the mediport. Because it's cold, it's rare that he sees the scar. He runs his hand over it and asks, "Did they cut you open?" "Yes, that was where I had my button for the medicine." "So you wouldn't die." I got quiet. I looked in his eyes and said "I'm better now." Little ones are very wise. They know a lot more than we give them credit for. I wonder at times what he remembers and how much that affects him now.
They will be six and three respectively come March. It amazes me how time has continued to move on. The accomplishments they each have continue to grow. Being a parent is an on-going learning process. I don't think there will ever be a time where I could say I was a great parent because everyday poses a new challenge. I do think I try a lot and some days are definitely better than others.
Times like these past couple of weeks when they have been sick remind me of several things:
When little ones are sick, it's hard to get much done. They just want to be held. And so here I am, on the couch, holding a little body. The breathing is hard, the nose is dripping and the cough sounds weary. The eyes are tired and teary. And when you ask questions, there comes this little whisper answer. The eyes are closing, the breathing is slowing down...he's falling asleep. Poor baby. :(
This morning, the oldest saw my scar from the mediport. Because it's cold, it's rare that he sees the scar. He runs his hand over it and asks, "Did they cut you open?" "Yes, that was where I had my button for the medicine." "So you wouldn't die." I got quiet. I looked in his eyes and said "I'm better now." Little ones are very wise. They know a lot more than we give them credit for. I wonder at times what he remembers and how much that affects him now.
They will be six and three respectively come March. It amazes me how time has continued to move on. The accomplishments they each have continue to grow. Being a parent is an on-going learning process. I don't think there will ever be a time where I could say I was a great parent because everyday poses a new challenge. I do think I try a lot and some days are definitely better than others.
Times like these past couple of weeks when they have been sick remind me of several things:
- patience is a virtue
- there is a fine line between nudging and pushing that gets much finer when they are sick
- words are not necessary to convey feeling
- insight isn't bound by age
- I truly love being a mom
Monday, February 01, 2010
"The circumstances that have dictated the direction of your life have been bizarre and disorienting, but now you will begin to have greater understanding and clarity of purpose. Do not mourn over what seems to be lost; things had to change in this course correction...you are about to embrace destiny in reality. You will be able to see from a new vantage point." - Marsha Burns
I just saw this quotation and it speaks VOLUMES of where I currently am right now. WOW.
I'm going to be published. One day. About something. I have to, don't you think? I told myself that even if I did not author it by myself, I want to see my name attached to something that has been published. Whether it's something personal like a memoir or related to my trade as a counselor and director. It will happen.
But it requires starting somewhere. I have many starts, but not much beyond that. What now? I actually told myself that as far as it's related to work, I had to do something of substance this year. I already submitted a proposal to present at a conference in March. I was accepted. But I want to say I've published something, to see my name in black and white. So what do I write about? And how do I make it sound enlightening and educationally based? I'm making myself giggle. Okay, so maybe I'm not in the right mind frame at this very moment. But I will do it. And since I've put it out here, I can't really go back on it because now you're expecting me to actually have a post that says I did it.
And all this leads me to the whole notion of accountability. I had a conversation with a friend. She and I were talking about the gym. She said we could go together. I started to laugh. As my husband can attest, I don't work well together in that realm. It's just something difficult. If I do it, I want to go there, do what I have to do and be done. No offense to anyone but that's how I function. Although being accountable to someone could potentially push me in the beginning to do it, I don't know if it's enough to keep me there. Lots of things go wary on my end. What would be "normal" for some truly isn't for me. I have to have the motivation and incentive for myself, not because of the other person. Does that make sense? Like this whole notion of writing...I've known for years that it's something that I should do but it's taken me those years to work it out in my head that it truly is something worthwhile for me.
"You are the only person on earth who can use your ability." -Zig Ziglar. Sounds so superhero-ish and yet it is true. Each of our experiences creates opportunities within us to be better at something than we were before. After all, through this whole blogging thing, I have become a better person at opening up....and if you know me well, THAT is quite a monumental feat.
But it requires starting somewhere. I have many starts, but not much beyond that. What now? I actually told myself that as far as it's related to work, I had to do something of substance this year. I already submitted a proposal to present at a conference in March. I was accepted. But I want to say I've published something, to see my name in black and white. So what do I write about? And how do I make it sound enlightening and educationally based? I'm making myself giggle. Okay, so maybe I'm not in the right mind frame at this very moment. But I will do it. And since I've put it out here, I can't really go back on it because now you're expecting me to actually have a post that says I did it.
And all this leads me to the whole notion of accountability. I had a conversation with a friend. She and I were talking about the gym. She said we could go together. I started to laugh. As my husband can attest, I don't work well together in that realm. It's just something difficult. If I do it, I want to go there, do what I have to do and be done. No offense to anyone but that's how I function. Although being accountable to someone could potentially push me in the beginning to do it, I don't know if it's enough to keep me there. Lots of things go wary on my end. What would be "normal" for some truly isn't for me. I have to have the motivation and incentive for myself, not because of the other person. Does that make sense? Like this whole notion of writing...I've known for years that it's something that I should do but it's taken me those years to work it out in my head that it truly is something worthwhile for me.
"You are the only person on earth who can use your ability." -Zig Ziglar. Sounds so superhero-ish and yet it is true. Each of our experiences creates opportunities within us to be better at something than we were before. After all, through this whole blogging thing, I have become a better person at opening up....and if you know me well, THAT is quite a monumental feat.
Friday, January 29, 2010
There is something stirring within me. There are messages and signs that have been calling me forward. The questions are about purpose and all aspects that relate to purpose.
...As you know I am about random thoughts so work with that notion and understand that the randomness allows me to get things out so that I can process it later..this goes for this post as well as future ones...
I have a friend, KA, who I've known for almost seven years now. Our friendship started as a professional relationship. I've grown to truly admire not only her professional accomplishments, but her ability to hear God and move her life in the direction that He has chosen for her. She and I don't see each other much anymore as she has moved on to greater things, but I have learned that she and I connect at the times that I need to connect with her. Does that make sense? She likened herself to a lighthouse, a beacon of light that she offers to others at the times they need it. And so she is that to me. She and I get an hour once in a blue moon to meet and talk about where our/my life happens to be at that moment.
The last time that I saw her, I expressed my confusion as to my role in life. I survived cancer. I faced death (I didn't share this in the other blog, I don't think but maybe that's something we talk about in the future) and walked away. So now what? Although I find that to be nothing less than anyone who has experienced what I have, it's personal, obviously for me. I have had this buildup since I finished treatment, maybe even before, that I am destined for great things, to do great things...but that's all I get. Nothing more specific, at least not the specificity that I seek (I need vibrant clear 12 mega pixel shots please). But the momentum of that has continued to gain speed. Things are happening in my relationships, my environments, my own thinking that is evolving and allowing other things to come forward...
Can I express to you that it is SCARY at times?!?! She smiled at me this last encounter. She said three words - this is preparation. OMG!!!! For what?!?!?!?! Yes, the exclamations are meant to express my emotion because it's so unclear to me as to what...
It took me a long time to understand that my illness served several purposes at the time of its occurrence. A wake-up call to me about my faith, my health, my priorities. A wake-up call to you about your faith, your health, your priorities. A call about my relationship with you. This last one is one that continues to come into play in this quest of clarity. KA is not the only one who shares with me that I am chosen to fulfill this purpose. I continue to hear it, acknowledge the little moments that give me a sense of actually doing it (it could be random but something within tells me that it's one of those moments...)and my own personal belief that I was spared another few years because my situation, at least at that time, was not the way I was going to leave this Earthly plane.
What is my purpose? What pulls at my heart?
Chorus - So Ambitious (Jay-Z, Blueprint 3): Motivation for me was them telling me what I could not be, oh well...hey I'm on a mission, no matter what the conditions, forget the personal issues, when you been what I been through,...
You know what my problem is? No one has ever, EVER told me that I couldn't be something or do something. No one....except me. I stop myself from doing a lot of things. I am my own worse enemy at times. Aren't you? I think that the personal expectations we have of ourselves is a great motivator, but it can totally break us down, when we let it. Why am I saying all this? Because I think that sometimes, my fear because it's so scary at times, is why I can't see clearly. If you knew you were in a 4x6 closet in the dark, you know that you can feel the walls. If you knew there were no walls and you were in the dark, well how would you feel? The vastness, the openness, can sometimes be just as stifling as the small enclosed room.
I meant to bring Transformers 2 so I could have it playing in the background while I worked. I watched moments of it the past two days because A wanted to see it. I don't recall that many people thought much about it when it came out. However, there were messages resonating in it for me... His lack of wanting to understand that he had a greater purpose. His visions that made no sense to him. His willingness to die to save another. The ability to chose the side that we want because we don't want to be surrounded in negativity. Those were just a few.
Ignoring the messages is something I cannot do. "I believe that life is journey, often difficult and sometimes incredibly cruel, but we are well-equipped for it if only we tap into our talents and gifts and allow them to blossom." -Les Brown. You've been willing to look in at times to make sure that I am okay. Now are you willing to engage and be part of the growth?
...As you know I am about random thoughts so work with that notion and understand that the randomness allows me to get things out so that I can process it later..this goes for this post as well as future ones...
I have a friend, KA, who I've known for almost seven years now. Our friendship started as a professional relationship. I've grown to truly admire not only her professional accomplishments, but her ability to hear God and move her life in the direction that He has chosen for her. She and I don't see each other much anymore as she has moved on to greater things, but I have learned that she and I connect at the times that I need to connect with her. Does that make sense? She likened herself to a lighthouse, a beacon of light that she offers to others at the times they need it. And so she is that to me. She and I get an hour once in a blue moon to meet and talk about where our/my life happens to be at that moment.
The last time that I saw her, I expressed my confusion as to my role in life. I survived cancer. I faced death (I didn't share this in the other blog, I don't think but maybe that's something we talk about in the future) and walked away. So now what? Although I find that to be nothing less than anyone who has experienced what I have, it's personal, obviously for me. I have had this buildup since I finished treatment, maybe even before, that I am destined for great things, to do great things...but that's all I get. Nothing more specific, at least not the specificity that I seek (I need vibrant clear 12 mega pixel shots please). But the momentum of that has continued to gain speed. Things are happening in my relationships, my environments, my own thinking that is evolving and allowing other things to come forward...
Can I express to you that it is SCARY at times?!?! She smiled at me this last encounter. She said three words - this is preparation. OMG!!!! For what?!?!?!?! Yes, the exclamations are meant to express my emotion because it's so unclear to me as to what...
It took me a long time to understand that my illness served several purposes at the time of its occurrence. A wake-up call to me about my faith, my health, my priorities. A wake-up call to you about your faith, your health, your priorities. A call about my relationship with you. This last one is one that continues to come into play in this quest of clarity. KA is not the only one who shares with me that I am chosen to fulfill this purpose. I continue to hear it, acknowledge the little moments that give me a sense of actually doing it (it could be random but something within tells me that it's one of those moments...)and my own personal belief that I was spared another few years because my situation, at least at that time, was not the way I was going to leave this Earthly plane.
What is my purpose? What pulls at my heart?
Chorus - So Ambitious (Jay-Z, Blueprint 3): Motivation for me was them telling me what I could not be, oh well...hey I'm on a mission, no matter what the conditions, forget the personal issues, when you been what I been through,...
You know what my problem is? No one has ever, EVER told me that I couldn't be something or do something. No one....except me. I stop myself from doing a lot of things. I am my own worse enemy at times. Aren't you? I think that the personal expectations we have of ourselves is a great motivator, but it can totally break us down, when we let it. Why am I saying all this? Because I think that sometimes, my fear because it's so scary at times, is why I can't see clearly. If you knew you were in a 4x6 closet in the dark, you know that you can feel the walls. If you knew there were no walls and you were in the dark, well how would you feel? The vastness, the openness, can sometimes be just as stifling as the small enclosed room.
I meant to bring Transformers 2 so I could have it playing in the background while I worked. I watched moments of it the past two days because A wanted to see it. I don't recall that many people thought much about it when it came out. However, there were messages resonating in it for me... His lack of wanting to understand that he had a greater purpose. His visions that made no sense to him. His willingness to die to save another. The ability to chose the side that we want because we don't want to be surrounded in negativity. Those were just a few.
Ignoring the messages is something I cannot do. "I believe that life is journey, often difficult and sometimes incredibly cruel, but we are well-equipped for it if only we tap into our talents and gifts and allow them to blossom." -Les Brown. You've been willing to look in at times to make sure that I am okay. Now are you willing to engage and be part of the growth?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
So let's get the formalities out of the way...why another blog? Why not just continue the other? It's for my well-being. Huh? That blog represented a time in my life. I have moved forward. And therefore, a new start. I don't regret, nor will I forget. Although you may no longer have access to it, I still do. Maybe bits and pieces will find its way here...I don't know. I like my options...the freedom, the possibilities, the opportunities.
The ironic thing? This blog site I created long before I ever got sick, many months prior. I never found the words to start it...until now. Wow, talk about timing, eh? ;)
So for the sake of our formality, let me bring you up-to-date on my state of health. My last scan was in December and it was clean. I've now graduated to four month check-ups. I will be two-years post treatment in March. My overall health is for the most part pretty good. I continue to shock people when I tell them that I am a cancer survivor.
I am hopeful for a complete cure. But I'm not oblivious to the the possibilties that there could be other things that happen. The number of chest CTs I've had have increased the radiation in my body. Remember this little tidbit - one chest CT radiation exposure is equivalent to 200 chest x-rays. Yup, I said that. So just post treatment thus far, I've reached a maximum number for a normal person. But of course, I'm not normal, right? :)
So, notwithstanding everything else, I continue to age gracefully. :) I have my moments where I hurt, but thankfully, they don't stay around too long. Overall, I am good. I do what I can. I laugh when I can. I forgive when I can. I speak when I can. I cry when I need to. I am me to the best I can be.
The ironic thing? This blog site I created long before I ever got sick, many months prior. I never found the words to start it...until now. Wow, talk about timing, eh? ;)
So for the sake of our formality, let me bring you up-to-date on my state of health. My last scan was in December and it was clean. I've now graduated to four month check-ups. I will be two-years post treatment in March. My overall health is for the most part pretty good. I continue to shock people when I tell them that I am a cancer survivor.
I am hopeful for a complete cure. But I'm not oblivious to the the possibilties that there could be other things that happen. The number of chest CTs I've had have increased the radiation in my body. Remember this little tidbit - one chest CT radiation exposure is equivalent to 200 chest x-rays. Yup, I said that. So just post treatment thus far, I've reached a maximum number for a normal person. But of course, I'm not normal, right? :)
So, notwithstanding everything else, I continue to age gracefully. :) I have my moments where I hurt, but thankfully, they don't stay around too long. Overall, I am good. I do what I can. I laugh when I can. I forgive when I can. I speak when I can. I cry when I need to. I am me to the best I can be.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I think it's time. Many months have passed. I'm ready to come back to the world. Open up. Share a moment or two or three. Maybe this is part of where I need to be..for me..and for you. Realizing that my words have meaning, that it can affect and effect, means that I cannot deny a gift that I was given. So you win, I'm back and ready to roll with my everyday witicism, real-life dramas and profound thoughts!! :)
Hello, world!
Hello, world!
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