I was going through some old paperwork that I needed to shred and get rid of.  I found my medical forms from 2007.  Very hard to read them and yet I couldn't shred them.  Isn't that crazy?  Why would I want to keep those things?  Why do I need the extra baggage of that when I have enough in my head?  I have no idea.  I just couldn't shred them.  Maybe to me, they're like a part of history, a part that I'm still trying to get through.  Maybe I can't get rid of them until I'm five years out, when they finally tell me I'm cured.  I don't know.  I just can't let go of them...not right now anyway.

A former student of mine contacted me the other day.  Told me he had a friend that he just found out has cancer.  Did I have any words or advice for him?  How overwhelming it can be at times for me to hear about this.  To know another young person has to literally pause their life so they can go through treatment and deal with the pain, physically and mentally.  I shared much of what I could at that moment.  I felt saddened by it all. 

Those pictures that I talked about in my last post.  I read through them and feel like I haven't done enough since coming out of treatment.  I wonder if I truly got what I was supposed to get out of the experience because some days, I don't seem to act any differently than before I was sick.  I'm still a pain in the butt to people, I'm still stubborn, I'm still angry about the little things.  I have moments when I believe I've changed.  Okay, I know I have changed in some ways, but I don't think to the extent that I am credited for.  I think I would have changed regardless, just by age, experience, wisdom, etc., so I don't know if I can equate it all to having cancer.  Wow, did I just downplay my experience?

I was in a supervision meeting with my intern.  And let me say, I truly do enjoy supervising counseling students...so interesting to be on the other side of the table.  Anyway, I was trying to process one of her cases with her and it came down to her shedding some tears in our meeting.  As a counselor, the shedding of tears has been significant because it shows a breakthrough moment...which she had.  I felt good about helping her through that process and I did so by talking about my own experience with cancer.  And I didn't cry and I remained quite calm and even.  I surprised myself that day.  To know that I could get beyond the tears when I spoke of some of my experience.  Because usually, that's not the case.  But then again, this session wasn't about me and maybe that made the difference.  I don't recall crying much when I was trying to help my former student with his situation with his friend either.  Guess I'm okay when the focus is not on me.