Trying to find my way back here. It's hard. I don't think I have enough to say, even though inside, I'm screaming with constant words. It's actually more about just taking the time, once again, to let my fingers release the emotions. More time, I promise, I will devote here. Promise isn't for you to hold against me, it's for me to take care of myself.
In the meantime, here were my 60 days of thankfulness from fb. I've decided to limit my time there now to only 2, maybe 3 times a day. No games. I don't think I even want to post status updates. I need to channel that energy back here.
In keeping up with a practice that Maricar Lianne Fernandez had started last month, I've decided to start my own daily thanksgiving. Thankfulness, day 1. Thankful for my littlest one who is 8 weeks old today! I can't even express the joy and love she has brought to our family since her arrival on October 6, a day that used to bring me much sadness and anger. Happy 8 week birthday, Elon!! ♥ Thankfulness, day 2...snow. I don't like to drive in it, but there's something magical about watching it fall, especially early in the morning when the sun is starting to rise. The first snowfall brings anticipation for the little ones of a wondrous season to come. It makes things seem so peaceful, even if only for a moment. “To appreciate the beauty of a snow flake, it is necessary to stand out in the cold.”
Thankfulness, day 3...my mom. She's helped me with all three kids by watching them so that I can go to work. Without her, I wouldn't be able to work because the cost of daycare is just crazy! I am able to leave them in the comfort of my home, with the knowledge that they are safe with someone who truly loves them. I know it's a lot for her to have the 3, but she does what she can and I appeciate it. Thanks, Mom!! ♥
Thankfulness, day 4...homemade kutsinta sent from Leticia Deza in Cali. So wonderful to have family who cook and send goodies to enjoy a Saturday merienda. Yummy-yummy! Thanks Tita!! Thankfulness, day 5...friends and family who help me during times when I am triple teamed with the kids. o_O Today could have been a break down and cry day without you all around. ♥
Thankfulness, day 6...the ability to exhale. Deep breaths during situations that are highly irritating never seem like enough at the time, but having the ability to exhale some of madness does help, even if it's only a little. We all have the opportunity to decide how we react to things and I guess I'm making the conscious effort to appreciate the chance I have to let it go...{{{blowing the air out}}}}
Thankfulness, day 7...chemo. Weird, right? Haven't had it in 2.5 years. But I read this blog and I started to cry. I remember those days of gut-wrenching nausea and wanting to give up...it sucked massively. I've lost many loved ones because chemo stopped working, but in the moments when it was working, at least I can say I GOT to tell them how inspirational they were. Cancer sucks, but for me, I can only be thankful that chemo got rid of those cells. http://networkedblogs.com/bxV2r Thankfulness, day 8...having Ahmir sit next to Elon in the car. It is so much help when Elon has her Kuya next to her to talk with her, sing her songs, hold her hand, and play games. Car rides aren't as traumatic for me when he's back there within reach of her. :)
Thankfulness, day 9...virtual conferencing. It's great to have the ability to be at a meeting even when I am physically not there. Life can become much more productive as it allows me to multi-task to a much greater degree. Oh wait...it allows me to do more work?! Hmmm... Lol
Thankfulness, day10...my arms. When my itty bitties need consoling, I wrap them up in my arms and hold tight. Big man has a fever and little girl got shots today. All I can do is hold them close and love them with all I have, hoping that their pain goes away. ♥
Thankfulness, day 11...brother conversations. Listening to my two boys when they are playing in their rooms is hilarious. The laughter and banter between the two can go on for hours. I hope they continue to be close as they get older.
Thankfulness, day 12...tree decorating time now that the boys are older is fun. My OCD tendencies want to take over but because the boys want to do it, I try to just enjoy the moment. :) They're hoping for a snow day tomorrow so they can finish it. Do I have enough resolve not to reorganize the ornaments? Lol.
Thankfulness, day 13...minimal pain. I have been feeling bad all day with my head carrying a dull pounding and nausea all day. What is there to be thankful for you ask? I've had days where the pounding has been excruciating and the nausea overwhelming. So what I'm going through now doesn't seem so bad.
Thankfulness, day 14...courage to drive again. In February, Noa & I spun out on the freeway and hit the cement median. Since then, I have dreaded driving in snowy, icy conditions, especially with the kids. It's unrealistic to think I could avoid it living in MI. I'm being put to the test right now...I'm stressed, but I'm doing it.
Thankfulness, day 15...20 degree temps. I walked out with no hat and coat unzipped even though it was only 20 degrees. Compared to the past couple of days, this feels like a heatwave. And couple that with the sun, it feels like spring. :)
Thankfulness, day 16...Ahmir's teacher for pushing him to be better because he's capable of it. He doesn't like it now but he'll learn to understand it later.
Thankfulness, day 17...Poang chair. At the end of the day, at the end of the week, sinking into this chair, rocking baby girl, I am able to wind down. He just put it together last weekend and I have found myself curling up on it every day. :)
Thankfulness, day 18...Saturday night at home. I sit in my Poang chair rocking my baby girl, the boys are playing games on the floor and Sawnawai is stretched out on the couch. Life is good right now as I am surrounded by love.
Thankfulness, day 19...a husband who explains homework problems with great patience. Do I really need to say more than that? :)
Thankfulness, day 20...Christmas cards. It seems like I'm late doing them this year but it gives me time to reflect and think about the year when I do them. I usually do a collage of pictures and it's amazing all the things that happen.
Thankfulness, day 21...conversations with baby girl. She's amazing. We converse regularly about the happenings of her day. The things she talks about are quite funny. I look forward to all our future talks. :)
Thankfulness, day 22...tears. I've shed my share of tears these past few days. Tears that spanned the emotional roller coaster of missing people in my life to loving people in a matter of moments. Tears where I couldn't stand to be in that one moment to being grateful I had a moment. Tears-simply complex.
Thankfulness, day 23...strangers. I lost my credit card while at the gas station. I searched endlessly in/out for 30 minutes thinking I had lost my mind. I saw a man pull in to the station I was at and asked if he saw it. He looked. Nope. Back in my car, close to tears, a knock on the window waving my card - he was about to pull out and saw it in the snow. Thank you, sir, for being an angel in disguise.
Thankfulness, day 24...the hustle and bustle of family when they enter the house to celebrate together. Happy Christmas everyone!!
Thankfulness, day 25...understanding. My living room is covered in leftover wrapping paper, ribbons and empty boxes. Despite all that, my two boys know that today is about the birth of Jesus Christ. We celebrate love and family. Merry Christmas!
Thankfulness, day 26...king size bed. Three little bodies lie between hubby and I. I love watching their little faces relax as sleep takes over. Makes me remember how wonderful it is to be their mother. Thank you, king size bed, for being big enough to hold all of us.
Thankfulness, day 27...exhaustion. Sometimes I need a little help getting some rest. At those points, exhaustion sets in and I just fall out...literally. Guess that's what happened yesterday (hence my lateness with the post). Try not to get that tired. But if you do, give in and get in bed.
Thankfulness, day 28...leftovers. My family members don't care for leftovers but I appreciate having a break from cooking. Now, if only I could get some more bibingka and cake to help finish off the rest of the leftovers..
Thankfulness, day 29...return address. I received a card from my former oncologist today. I've waited a year to hear from her. She said she ran across the card I sent last year just recently. Thank goodness I always put a return address! Can't wait to send her an update!
Thankfulness, day 30...she's ok. I slipped down my stairs. You know that stair scene and the person goes down on their bum (thump, thumpity, thump, thump)? That was me with baby girl this morning. I held on to her tight making sure we stayed upright until I stopped. She just got scared but she was safe. What a way to start the day.
Thankfulness, day 31...having another year where I grew to love, laugh, cry, remember, embrace, cherish, heal and hope. I look forward to 2011 and all its possibilities, but I'm grateful for 2010 for the experiences it has given me. Happy New Year everyone!! Be safe and may God bless us all...
Thankfulness, day 32...the first sunset of the year brought about hues of orange and yellow. That's unusual here in the middle of winter. But then having temps in the 40s is different too. So let's just take it for what it is-an indication of great things to come this year! :) Yes, I said it and so it shall be! :)
Thankfulness, day 33...everyone is feeling a little better. My three guys have been under the weather and today they seem a bit better. Not as many runny noses or funky coughing. :) Hoping this is the upswing and that Elon and I have bypassed it completely.
Thankfulness, day 34...my nieces. They are both in college but they still amuse me by letting me think I'm cool. LOL More important than that, they love their little cousins! Love it when I pull up in my driveway and see their car because I know there is fun and laughter brewing. :)
Thankfulness, day 35...hot tea. What a day! I'm cold and tired. Sipping a hot cup of tea eases some of the pain. Flavor tonight? Green apple.
Thankfulness, day 36...hugs from my kids. After more than 24 hours of having to keep my distance and restraint, I am enjoying the hugs from the kids. I'm hanging on for extra moments even when they let go. :)
Thankfulness, day 37...do-overs. Patience is not one of my strong points. Patience with book reports and homework is really not a strong point. But lucky for me, I am presented with ample opportunities to grow and practice this skill. Before he's done with first grade I hope to be better with it.
Thankfulness, day 38...quiet time. A week of anxiety, aches, pains, questions, more anxiety, etc. I savor this quiet moment that hubby has given me by taking the boys out. Although I miss being with them, and even though I'm surrounded with all the things I "should" be doing, I'm enjoying this one moment of stillness.
Thankfulness, day 39...body's natural defenses. Food poisoning. Horrible. On the mend, I hope. Have to rest. Good night.
Thankfulness, day 40...toothless grins. No matter how bad I feel, seeing an itty bitty smile makes everything better. Add to that a delighted giggle and my gray day is forgotten.
Thankfulness, day 41...PET scan - negative. All clear for another 6 months. Thanks for the prayers everyone! :)
Thankfulness, day 42...YOU. I am honored to be worthy of your thoughts and wishes today. Taking the time to call, text and message me today were the best gifts! May 2011 be a fantastic year for us all!!
Thankfulness, day 43...karate class. For one hour every MWF, I sit and watch Ahmir in class. I am reminded that just sitting up straight, in quiet meditation can be just as powerful as that roundhouse kick combo. Little grasshopper still has much to learn...
Thankfulness, day 44...preschool. Noa loves it! Enough said. :)
Thankfulness, day 45...a 3 year old that mimics me. Nothing like a gentle reminder that what I do is much more noticeable than what I say. :) Must remember that little eyes are watching and learning much more than I give them credit for.
Thankfulness, day 46...kindness of strangers. Always nice when strangers stop and offer help because they see the baby.
Thankfulness, day 47...seeing family. Got a chance to visit with my brother when he came over and did video skype with my niece. Also saw my in-laws! Love having family time!!
Thankfulness, day 48...speeches. It's MLK day and I got to spend time with Ahmir talking about Dr. King and hearing others talk about the things they do to promote his works. I also got to see Ahmir's artwork displayed for the MLK ceremony at the high school. Great way to celebrate this day so that he understands WHY he got the day off.
Thankfulness, day 49...insurance. I'm very thankful that I have health insurance to cover our family needs. I opened up a bill today and saw how much my bloodwork cost when I went to UM last month and trust me when I say that it would've taken me a few months to pay that off if I didn't have coverage. And that amount was nowhere near what chemo amounted to a few years ago. o_0 Very thankful, indeed.
Thankfulness, day 50...the past doesn't own me. I ran into someone who I had let go from a project. They didn't care for me much at the time. I felt bad about it too. But today, I didn't let that stop me from saying hello and asking about their well-being. It felt good to be beyond that point...I no longer allowed it to eat away at me.
Thankfulness, day 51...everyone is home. Always hard for me when the household is not complete. Don't sleep well and I worry. But all is well..the house is back to normal. Time to get some sleep.
Thankfulness, day 52...deep breaths. Sometimes it truly helps to be able to take some deep breaths. Not because I'm asthmatic, but because in the time that it takes to bring the air in and blow out, the small amount of relief at that moment causes a refocusing and attitude adjustment. I can only be who I am, and I can only do the best I can with that...even if it doesn't meet your expectation.
Thankfulness, day 53...family get-togethers. Love my Astorga clan!! Always good times to be had. Funny and hilarious we have all become through the years. =)
Thankfulness, day 54...lazy day. When you're part of the rat race everyday, it truly wears on you that everyday is about hustling. Today was so cold that it turned into a day of non-conviction. Pj day for the kids, sitting around and napping when I could. Wow, so this is how some of you spend your days...nice..
Thankfulness, day 55...shoveling snow. It wasn't a lot. It was already dark out. But for those 15 minutes or so, I was enveloped in a serene silence except for the occasional car that past by. I like shoveling snow. It brings me peace. That's something I could use more of...the peace, not necessarily the snow (which I do love when I'm not driving in it).
Thankfulness, day 56...encouragement. I don't know how to accept help very well. However, I appreciate encouragement. In fact, sometimes I think if people would just offer it more often, I could be so much more than I am. But it doesn't happen often but when it does, it offers a bright spot, and sometimes a reassurance that I really am not as bad as I think.
Thankfulness, day 57...commuting. I have an hour commute to work, each way. Amazing, sometimes, the amount of work I can get down on the way to/from.
Thankfulness, day 58...deadlines. Nothing like a deadline to ensure you get things done...and cause massive anxiety when you miss it..
Thankfulness, day 59...day off. I usually take a day off so that I can go do other things. I took today off with that same premise. But instead, today, I took the day off and took.the.day.off.
Thankfulness, day 60...blessed. Despite the circumstances, and in the overall scheme of things, my family is blessed and I am grateful for that. Thank you for being part of our blessings.
