I cannot hear in my left ear.  It started last night.  I'm not dizzy or off-centered so it's more of a clogged issue than anything else, I think...I hope.  Anyway, I found myself laughing on the way to work because I thought about how funny God can be about trying to get His messages to me in such a way that I would take notice.  Oh, I'm noticing right now, sir, let me tell you!  LOL

Only being able to hear on one side forces me to be much more aware of the things around me...to actually LISTEN.  Because as much as I tend to hear many things with both ears, listening is something much more.  And as I typed that, it becomes more evident how that relates to how I live on a daily basis.

A few posts ago I admitted that I don't live in the now..that I miss lots of moments because I'm rushing to do so many things all at the same time.  It sucks.  But I don't know any other way to do it.  Admittedly, it also all falls in to the fact that I'm exhausted everyday with no energy.  I avoid things.  And while I'm avoiding, my list continually gets longer with things that are added at a moments notice.  Most of the time I don't think too much about it, I just do it, because it has to be done.  What's getting upset going to do?  But then I know when the little things start to bother me, it means that it's been adding up a long time.

I think I sometimes live in this dreamworld where despite the fact that I work a full-time job outside the home, I should still be the great provider all the time.  And I'm sure it is possible, that there are women who do that, but really, am I one of them?  I'm not.  And why do I beat myself up trying to do that?  I made some bad choices in my life so financially this is where I stand...I have to work to pay the bills that I've accrued.  Simple enough right?  So, therefore, here I am..working this job, and going home to work my other job.

I love my other job wayyy more.  It has more risks, but so many more benefits.  I wish I had the patience to be so much more better at it.  But unfortunately, when the majority of the day requires my attention at other things, like work, by the time I hit this job, I'm tired.  And that plainly put...sucks.

My kids require me to be in the present.  My husband requires me to be in the present.  My house requires that I be close to the present and not let it get out of hand.  My mother requires that I be in the present and sometimes a little earlier than that (I don't know how many of you have parents you take care of, but it requires a lot and I feel ill-equipped despite the fact that I knew long ago that I would be here....ahhhh, another blog).  Some days, I would just like to be  caught up to last week or something.

I got off on a tangent, didn't I?  Hearing loss, paying more attention...must do.  Must do.  Actually it's a have to do.  And if I turn it around, to see it as a blessing, it's something I GET TO do.  Because it is a blessing, a lesson to be learned about how I relate to the people and things around me.

Oh, and a ladybug joined me for the commute into work this morning.  I watched it as it held on tight to the wiper fluid thingy as I was doing 80 mph.  It didn't let go.  I, of course, looked up the symbolism of it.  Very interesting...luck and protection, restore trust and faith...those are some of the words I saw as I flipped through various pages.  On Friday, a huge dragonfly appeared next to me.  I don't fear them, as I'm used to them being around me.  Not one as close as that day though.  When you look into the meanings of dragonflies...well, it talks about things like this post.  Interesting, eh?  Yes, the world is connected and God clues me in in interesting ways...

It's been a rough week (and it's only Tuesday)...I thought it was just because a year ago, we lost Little Man and today is his birthday and so it's just been hard. But today, as I was driving, it kept bothering me that the past couple of days I've just been so very, very tired...so teary-eyed and blah...

For each of my children's birthday, I celebrate them and I celebrate me. In fact, for every one of my wonderful family and friends who has a child celebrating a birthday, I celebrate the mama also because it's their day too...it's their birthing day. A woman's birthing day is very special as it is the day that a new life is brought into the world. I was always told that women forget the pain of labour. Hah! I haven't forgotten at all! Three times of not getting that doggone epidural!! But all that pain was very much worth it when I got that wiggly little body next to me. :)

So for each of my children's birth day, I take time out to acknowledge what my body remembers of that day. It's usually with elation, a sense of high feelings, of wonder and amazement that I brought those funny kids into this world. It's a pretty package tied up neatly with a bow.

But birthing days are not the only days that my body remembers. As I've shared in the past, October and March (coincidently the months of my children's birthdays) are very significant as those were my months of diagnosis and end of chemo treatment. I take time out on those days for myself..to reflect, to celebrate, to live. October is usually the harder month where I feel more tired than March. This October will be different as I have little E now so it will be interesting to see how that will be.

But this week, a rough week physically for me and as I was driving to work this morning, I realized why...in 2007, this was the week my body started to turn on me. The coughing started..the fevers started.. This was the week that I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I can't explain that haunting feeling that I remember. I just have snippets of my memory flashing back at times...

So add my body's memories to Little Man's memories and departure and here I sit, at my computer, crying and reflecting. For the mamas and papas who have birthing days without your little one physically by your side...I know not the type of pain that inflicts you but I am deeply inspired by your strength and neverending ability to still share your love with those around you.