I cannot hear in my left ear.  It started last night.  I'm not dizzy or off-centered so it's more of a clogged issue than anything else, I think...I hope.  Anyway, I found myself laughing on the way to work because I thought about how funny God can be about trying to get His messages to me in such a way that I would take notice.  Oh, I'm noticing right now, sir, let me tell you!  LOL

Only being able to hear on one side forces me to be much more aware of the things around me...to actually LISTEN.  Because as much as I tend to hear many things with both ears, listening is something much more.  And as I typed that, it becomes more evident how that relates to how I live on a daily basis.

A few posts ago I admitted that I don't live in the now..that I miss lots of moments because I'm rushing to do so many things all at the same time.  It sucks.  But I don't know any other way to do it.  Admittedly, it also all falls in to the fact that I'm exhausted everyday with no energy.  I avoid things.  And while I'm avoiding, my list continually gets longer with things that are added at a moments notice.  Most of the time I don't think too much about it, I just do it, because it has to be done.  What's getting upset going to do?  But then I know when the little things start to bother me, it means that it's been adding up a long time.

I think I sometimes live in this dreamworld where despite the fact that I work a full-time job outside the home, I should still be the great provider all the time.  And I'm sure it is possible, that there are women who do that, but really, am I one of them?  I'm not.  And why do I beat myself up trying to do that?  I made some bad choices in my life so financially this is where I stand...I have to work to pay the bills that I've accrued.  Simple enough right?  So, therefore, here I am..working this job, and going home to work my other job.

I love my other job wayyy more.  It has more risks, but so many more benefits.  I wish I had the patience to be so much more better at it.  But unfortunately, when the majority of the day requires my attention at other things, like work, by the time I hit this job, I'm tired.  And that plainly put...sucks.

My kids require me to be in the present.  My husband requires me to be in the present.  My house requires that I be close to the present and not let it get out of hand.  My mother requires that I be in the present and sometimes a little earlier than that (I don't know how many of you have parents you take care of, but it requires a lot and I feel ill-equipped despite the fact that I knew long ago that I would be here....ahhhh, another blog).  Some days, I would just like to be  caught up to last week or something.

I got off on a tangent, didn't I?  Hearing loss, paying more attention...must do.  Must do.  Actually it's a have to do.  And if I turn it around, to see it as a blessing, it's something I GET TO do.  Because it is a blessing, a lesson to be learned about how I relate to the people and things around me.

Oh, and a ladybug joined me for the commute into work this morning.  I watched it as it held on tight to the wiper fluid thingy as I was doing 80 mph.  It didn't let go.  I, of course, looked up the symbolism of it.  Very interesting...luck and protection, restore trust and faith...those are some of the words I saw as I flipped through various pages.  On Friday, a huge dragonfly appeared next to me.  I don't fear them, as I'm used to them being around me.  Not one as close as that day though.  When you look into the meanings of dragonflies...well, it talks about things like this post.  Interesting, eh?  Yes, the world is connected and God clues me in in interesting ways...