I was in a car accident with my youngest son yesterday.  The roads were bad.  We were on the freeway.  I was coming around a bend and I felt the car sliding.  I turned the wheel to try and straighten out the car.  I lost control.  360 and we hit the median wall.  The car stopped.  I looked back to make sure he was okay.  He started crying.  I got out of the car and opened his door to check on him.  I was scared out of my mind.  I just wanted him to be okay..... 

The car was my father-in-laws.  I'm horrified.  We were going to buy it from him, yes, but we hadn't yet.  Everything was still in his name. 

I declined an ambulance when I called 911.  I didn't know.  We eventually ended up in ER - I wanted to make sure my son was okay.  I needed to make sure I was okay.  Everytime I step into an ER, especially this one, it floods me with memories of that October in 2007.  Everyone was calm, until they brought me up to the desk to finish checking in and I told them what happened.  The rate of speed, the nurse looked at me and her eyes got big.  She said something to someone who came over, looked on the screen and proceeded to make a call.  I heard trauma on the loud speaker.  A neck brace was being pulled out.  She said I needed to lie down.  I started to cry.  They said that my son would be with his dad but I needed to be seen by the trauma team. 

Let's back up a few hours....I was at the doctor's getting confirmation that I was indeed pregnant.  I told my husband only a couple hours before the accident....he was blown out of the world with that news...and now we're in ER..

I got wheeled into a room full of people.  Questions about the accident, questions about what hurts.  Nothing hurts, I'm sore.  My tolerance for pain is pretty high.  I have some slight cramping.  Ultrasound machine.  Checking the heart window - no blood.  Checking the kidneys and spleen - no blood.  Checking the uterus - bladder is full.  LOL  There is a sac - still very small.  I should be okay.

I relive it in my mind.  The side that got damage was the passenger side - only God could've kept us that safe from harm.  A wake up call?  Maybe.  But definitely he and I were surrounded by angels.  Psalm 20:1 (NIV) - May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.  No other car was involved.  When it started, I knew it wasn't my time to go yet, I could only wait for the car to stop.  Having my baby boy with me...I am grateful for the protection I have. 

“The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson.  I have to get beyond this.  But I am scared.  The circumstances have been set up and played out.  The provisions are here.  There is nothing to fear.  Belief in the miracle, the action.  Having faith.

I am sore.  I feel every twinge right now.  But the point is I can feel.

I haven't been around...I know.  Life has been busy.  Hectic.  Chaotic.  Especially at work.  Can I tell you that I don't like to be a mean person?  I can be a mean person, but I don't like to be.  I think that most people would feel the same way.  However, as someone who manages and supervises others, I have to do what's best for the whole, which is not necessarily the best for the individual and that causes a lot of conflict. 

My role of helping others and gets me to the point where I want to do things that will essentially help them - give them a chance, maybe another one, provide resources, etc.  But there's a fine line between that and enabling them by giving too much support that they can't do something themselves.  So many roles!!  Aughhh!  Why I can't I just be surrounded by competency, quality and commitment?!  What's with all this other stuff?

I'm laughing at myself.  I know, I just went on a mini-tyraid.  What do you expect?  LOL  Funny thing about people is that I get that they perceive me as someone who is this nice, passive, quiet person, etc. etc.  But really?  I'm not.  People can attest that I'm stubborn, hardheaded and if you piss me off, you're pretty much done.  Am I being deceptive?  No.  People just want to assume these things based upon looking at me.  What's a 5'1" Filipino lady going to do?  I will break it down and mess you up if I don't get the results that I need for my group.  I have low tolerance, can you tell?

God is truly talking to me today!!  The messages are about letting go and understanding I don't have control and I need to stop fighting that.  Faith and trusting in Him.  My Message From God today was:  On this day of your life, Cristina, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go.  Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

My message on the Prescriptions for Hope with Dr. Kenya radio program today talked about more in that realm.  The delays that we think are occurring are just moments in time when God is setting up our circumstance that He wants us to have.  In these moments, our faith in Him must supercede those moments of panic and feelings of abandonment.  The doubts of what we thought was supposed to be, or the feelings of "missing our moment" are moments when faith truly must be exercised.  I saw a wall hanging over the weekend that said this "Faith - When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen...there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."  You know my post from January 29 has continued to bother (I'm not sure if that's the word I want to use but it has just lingered in my mind for a bit) me because the emotions I think I sent out was that I lacked faith and that wasn't what I wanted to prevail.  Seeing this quote finally helped me to understand what I was trying to share.  See, He shows us, if we are willing to listen and see, what we need to know, even in times when we were unprepared.

The message I received when I opened a reply to an email was I believe a piece of a poem from a German poet "Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms, or books written in a very foreign language.  Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." --Rainer Maria Rilke.  This was actually a response to my supervisor asking me to write an essay about my dream job.  I had many difficulties in writing it and I felt that I still had no answer by the time I turned it in.  And yet, this response which was just a portion of what she shared with me, I found comforting because I felt vulnerable when I turned in my writing because it was more personal than I ever care to be in relation to work and because it just reiterated that there are so many things that I cannot control, including someone else's response to me. 

Oh, the messages are abound!  Yes, coming in 12 megapixels and full color today!  I can't even deny not hearing, seeing or knowing.  Wow.  Days like this give me strength to move forward...to believe that as long as I trust in Him to carry me, I don't have to worry about much else.  I heard it the other week - "If you're going to pray, don't worry.  If you're going to worry, don't pray."  Enough said, don't you think?

Remember when Star*bucks used to have 'The Way I See It' cups? Quotations and/or anecdotes from various people about various things? I miss those cups!! I used to get excited about the prolific thought I would have as I sipped my coffee. LOL Okay, that sounds a bit dramatic but I did have inspiration at times from reading them. I figured one day, I would get quoted on one! :) Actually, side note here, I did find out that someone who used to read my old blog, actually quoted me! So I must be well on my way to being one of the great commentators of our time....yeah, right...LOL.

Anyway, as you've noticed, I seek out sayings. As much as I feel compelled to write because it helps me sort my thoughts, sometimes someone else's words say things much more eloquently than I ever can. And then from there, I find more things to talk about! :) I have to laugh because the other morning, I was having a discussion with son #1. He was getting upset with me and started crying. I asked him what the tears were for. He didn't say anything. I kept talking. Asked another question. Waited. Asked another question and then he finally said that he couldn't answer because I was talking too much! I internally wanted to bust out laughing but I had to stay in that moment with him and let him finish. But truly, inside, I was tickled by the comment. His dad used to comment about how quiet I was when we first started dating. And then now, I apparently can't stop talking! LOL Probably not amusing to you, but it's very funny and ironic to me because I really don't like to talk much. I write well but I don't like to talk.

But I don't want my sons to be that way. Maybe for them, I try harder. Apparently this morning, I tried too much and I should have stopped but next time I know. LOL, I'm still giggling. Part of me thinks I should be offended but it's funny. "While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." And that is exactly what little man did this morning. Being a mother is humbling, many times over.

"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns into compassion and understanding." -Erma Bombeck. Please note the word slowly in that quote. LOL I try everyday to have a little more patience than I had yesterday. Some days I make it and some days I don't. Some days I cry harder. I still feel residual guilt for getting sick. As resilient as my children are, I have moments where I blame myself for not being there as a mother, for changing the time when they should have been the focus of everyone's attention instead of me, for just not being able to hold and comfort them when they needed it.

And so to tie this all in with how I began (because I went on my usual tangent), I miss those Star*bucks cups because it would sometimes make me feel better about not being the supermom that I thought I was supposed to be. As I watch my girlfriends and I go through this motherhood realm, it amazes me how much we really do try to be invincible for our families. And only, rarely, do we ever give ourselves enough slack to realize that we don't have to be that.

So I've started having Star*bucks moments -with my husband, family and friends. Because the way I see it is this: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people mission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." --Maryanne Williamson. If I don't have moments with those that I love to share that we truly are on the path we're supposed to be, what moments do I actually have?

SNOW DAY!!!  Yes, indeedy, a snow day!  As a child, these were days that I dreamt of.  As an adult, these are days that I dream of.  LOL  Some things never change. 

I've been in Michigan for a long time, over thirty years now.  I love winter, as any January baby would (yes, I know I was born on an island, but I'm just saying).  It's just a beautiful time of the year when it snows (assuming there is sunshine and some relative warmth).  But AC and old age combined, winter starts to wreak a little havoc on the body.  It hurts to be in this weather.  The notions of moving away constantly floods my mind each day that there is no sun, there is no warmth. 

And then I look at my four bedroom, two and a half bath, two story home on a corner lot.  Our first home.  We've come a long way since that apartment in Troy when we first got married almost ten years ago.  My boys have room to run around, up and down.  I sometimes get a reprieve if I hide in a closet, bathroom or spare bedroom.  LOL  It's not bad.  So when the hubba asks if I would be willing to stay here indefinitely....well, I hesitate.  That's the million dollar question, isn't it? 

We wouldn't stay in this house.  And so he offers me the opportunity to find another home in areas that would allow our boys to explore more, have more friends, more opportunities, etc. etc.  Would it be bad to stay here?  Nooo, but I've been ready to go for a while.  I admit I have more baggage than he may have.  The whole cancer thing is still huge.  No matter where we end up, I need to know that I'm close to a cancer center that has a reputation of being a true cancer center.  Yes, I know I'm on the way to being cured, but I'm not dumb or naive. 

As parents we always want more for our kids.  I definitely want more for mine.  I want them to do more than I ever did.  To say the least, being a biracial/biethnic family has its challenges.  None that stand out in my mind at this moment.  But it is interesting to listen to the issues that he has, versus the issues I had when growing up.  And so that makes me think of our kids.  Race shouldn't be a factor but at some point, it will be in their lives.  I want them prepared to handle being who they are and being proud of that and not backing down from what they believe.  But I want to give them the world, is that wrong?  I want them to experience so many other things and sometimes I think that by staying here, it won't happen.  I realize that's negativity talking, but don't you sometimes wonder how you'll do it?  How will you raise the intellectual, yet street-wise, yet renaissance type of children?  The children that can make a difference in lives, the children that will be happy and successful, the children that love and believe...

I watched my two boys play in the snow.  Shoveling grass, making snow angels, throwing snow everywhere, including back onto the driveway.  And then shuffling back in to get some soup and hot chocolate.  Would I trade this time?  Not at all.  I only wish there were more times like it.

I'm a people watcher. Always have been and always will be. That probably has a lot to do with the fact that I'm a therapist. But don't take that the wrong way. I am a therapist when I'm supposed to be a therapist. I learned a long time ago not to put people 'on the couch' when they didn't make an appointment with my credentials. I think it's easy and quite truthful for me to say that when I'm not trying to be a therapist, I truly do miss various cues because I'm too caught up in my own things to notice. LOL I think that people give me too much credit for 'knowing' things.

One of the things that has changed about me AC is that I'm much more blunt about things. Sometimes I lack all sense of tactfulness. I try to make sure that doesn't happen too often but it does. I have remorse but strangely, not as much as I think I'm supposed to. All my life, I spent biting my tongue about things. I don't regret some of those times, but some of them I do. When I cared enough, I stood my ground, but for many times, much more than I care to admit, I let things happen.

But moreso than not, people get ticked off by what I say, or maybe moreso, how I say it.  I'm not trying to imply I'm all-knowing, I'm just sharing my personal opinion.  What's wrong with that?  I have heard from people that I can be too opinionated.  I laugh at that only because it's really rare that I even share my opinion.  And honestly, how does my opinion even weigh that much?  I'm only one person.  I'm only me.  Whether you get disappointed or mad at what I say, it's your choice to be that way, isn't it?  Just like it's my choice to either let things get to me or to just keep on moving.  But even my choices seem to imply that I could possibly not care once again.  (((sigh))) 

I learned that time is precious.  I get to choose how my days run, how I carry myself and the things that I do.  I don't get to do everything I should do, am supposed to do, or even want to do, but I do what I can.  I don't always make the right decision, I don't always make the wrong one either.  Sometimes I don't realize how impactive I can be, but sometimes I know how impactive I was.  I guess as I'm typing all this, it's all really a toss-up.  That control thing?  Non-existent, but if it makes us feel better to think we have some, I guess that's what we use to get by.

My littlest man is sick. The oldest was sick last week. It's hard for me when they are under the weather. It's rare the littlest one gets sick so it's even harder. I was on my way out to go to work this morning and he just started crying. How could I leave? I couldn't. And so I didn't. I appreciate the ability to work from home (and yes, I have been working, including calling in for a meeting). Something that I know is not always a possibility at various places. Hence, sometimes that makes it hard to think of moving on.

When little ones are sick, it's hard to get much done. They just want to be held. And so here I am, on the couch, holding a little body. The breathing is hard, the nose is dripping and the cough sounds weary. The eyes are tired and teary. And when you ask questions, there comes this little whisper answer. The eyes are closing, the breathing is slowing down...he's falling asleep. Poor baby. :(

This morning, the oldest saw my scar from the mediport. Because it's cold, it's rare that he sees the scar. He runs his hand over it and asks, "Did they cut you open?" "Yes, that was where I had my button for the medicine." "So you wouldn't die." I got quiet. I looked in his eyes and said "I'm better now." Little ones are very wise. They know a lot more than we give them credit for. I wonder at times what he remembers and how much that affects him now.

They will be six and three respectively come March. It amazes me how time has continued to move on. The accomplishments they each have continue to grow. Being a parent is an on-going learning process. I don't think there will ever be a time where I could say I was a great parent because everyday poses a new challenge. I do think I try a lot and some days are definitely better than others.

Times like these past couple of weeks when they have been sick remind me of several things:

• patience is a virtue
• there is a fine line between nudging and pushing that gets much finer when they are sick
• words are not necessary to convey feeling
• insight isn't bound by age
• I truly love being a mom

"The circumstances that have dictated the direction of your life have been bizarre and disorienting, but now you will begin to have greater understanding and clarity of purpose. Do not mourn over what seems to be lost; things had to change in this course correction...you are about to embrace destiny in reality. You will be able to see from a new vantage point." - Marsha Burns

I just saw this quotation and it speaks VOLUMES of where I currently am right now. WOW.

I'm going to be published. One day. About something. I have to, don't you think? I told myself that even if I did not author it by myself, I want to see my name attached to something that has been published. Whether it's something personal like a memoir or related to my trade as a counselor and director. It will happen.

But it requires starting somewhere. I have many starts, but not much beyond that. What now? I actually told myself that as far as it's related to work, I had to do something of substance this year. I already submitted a proposal to present at a conference in March. I was accepted. But I want to say I've published something, to see my name in black and white. So what do I write about? And how do I make it sound enlightening and educationally based? I'm making myself giggle. Okay, so maybe I'm not in the right mind frame at this very moment. But I will do it. And since I've put it out here, I can't really go back on it because now you're expecting me to actually have a post that says I did it.

And all this leads me to the whole notion of accountability. I had a conversation with a friend. She and I were talking about the gym. She said we could go together. I started to laugh. As my husband can attest, I don't work well together in that realm. It's just something difficult. If I do it, I want to go there, do what I have to do and be done. No offense to anyone but that's how I function. Although being accountable to someone could potentially push me in the beginning to do it, I don't know if it's enough to keep me there. Lots of things go wary on my end. What would be "normal" for some truly isn't for me. I have to have the motivation and incentive for myself, not because of the other person. Does that make sense? Like this whole notion of writing...I've known for years that it's something that I should do but it's taken me those years to work it out in my head that it truly is something worthwhile for me.

"You are the only person on earth who can use your ability." -Zig Ziglar. Sounds so superhero-ish and yet it is true. Each of our experiences creates opportunities within us to be better at something than we were before. After all, through this whole blogging thing, I have become a better person at opening up....and if you know me well, THAT is quite a monumental feat.