National Cancer Survivor's Day today.  I am a survivor.  I have been since October 2007.  It seems like so long ago.  And yet, at the same time, it seems like it was just yesterday.  I am eternally grateful for all the love and support I have received.  I am saddened that there are not more celebrating this day with me as their fight was much more worthy.  But I am grateful, very grateful. 

I usually participate up in Ann Arbor.  I didn't today.  Husband isn't around.  Other events going on.  Excuses I know.  Sometimes I just try to separate myself from it all.  I don't partipate in Relay for Life events.  I haven't done a lymphoma walk.  I still have issues with it all.  Weird, isn't it?  I'm in remission and in other people's eyes, I should be doing everything.  But I don't.  I still don't bring it up often.  I still, at times, really have a hard time saying it out loud.  When will I be okay with it?  I don't know.  I really don't know.

In any event, at this moment, I am proud to say I am a survivor.  I fought one of the hardest battles and made it through.  I am currently pregnant with my third child as a testament to regaining my health and my life.  I am watching my two boys grow each day.  My husband and I continue to grow closer.  My family and friends are great supports for all my endeavors and I hope, in turn, I am one to them.  Cancer.  It truly sucks.  But within it, there are blessings abound if you can get beyond the ugliness and madness that it stirs.

Livestrong.  I do.  Everyday.

Have you ever watched the movie "The Proposal" with Sandra Bullock?  We just watched it over the weekend and I am enthrolled with it.  The main character is such a great example of me, as I have been known to be for the majority of my life, including periods of time of my current time.  I'm laughing, truly, because it is hilarious.  You must see it and if you've known me for a long time, I just don't see how you could not agree.  When I watch it and I remember what a hard ass I used to be, well, it makes me thankful that I managed to tune in to my softer side, the side that allows feelings in despite the vulnerability that it causes. 

My husband travels on occassion for work.  When he does, I gather the boys in my bed and I try not to worry.  I worry about the safety of my husband, the house, life, etc.  I have sleepless nights until he comes home.  Trust me, this is not a rant.  This is just how much life is when he's not around.  I listen for every sound and movement, I think about all the things on the to-do list that need to be done before he gets home, I ponder my ability to accomplish things without falling apart.  LOL  Crazy, I know because I'm sure he doesn't do this when I travel...lol.  Actually, when I travel, the same thing happens except I can't gather my boys in my bed.  I still worry, I still think, I still have sleepless nights.  Insane, I tell you!