I was going through some old paperwork that I needed to shred and get rid of.  I found my medical forms from 2007.  Very hard to read them and yet I couldn't shred them.  Isn't that crazy?  Why would I want to keep those things?  Why do I need the extra baggage of that when I have enough in my head?  I have no idea.  I just couldn't shred them.  Maybe to me, they're like a part of history, a part that I'm still trying to get through.  Maybe I can't get rid of them until I'm five years out, when they finally tell me I'm cured.  I don't know.  I just can't let go of them...not right now anyway.

A former student of mine contacted me the other day.  Told me he had a friend that he just found out has cancer.  Did I have any words or advice for him?  How overwhelming it can be at times for me to hear about this.  To know another young person has to literally pause their life so they can go through treatment and deal with the pain, physically and mentally.  I shared much of what I could at that moment.  I felt saddened by it all. 

Those pictures that I talked about in my last post.  I read through them and feel like I haven't done enough since coming out of treatment.  I wonder if I truly got what I was supposed to get out of the experience because some days, I don't seem to act any differently than before I was sick.  I'm still a pain in the butt to people, I'm still stubborn, I'm still angry about the little things.  I have moments when I believe I've changed.  Okay, I know I have changed in some ways, but I don't think to the extent that I am credited for.  I think I would have changed regardless, just by age, experience, wisdom, etc., so I don't know if I can equate it all to having cancer.  Wow, did I just downplay my experience?

I was in a supervision meeting with my intern.  And let me say, I truly do enjoy supervising counseling students...so interesting to be on the other side of the table.  Anyway, I was trying to process one of her cases with her and it came down to her shedding some tears in our meeting.  As a counselor, the shedding of tears has been significant because it shows a breakthrough moment...which she had.  I felt good about helping her through that process and I did so by talking about my own experience with cancer.  And I didn't cry and I remained quite calm and even.  I surprised myself that day.  To know that I could get beyond the tears when I spoke of some of my experience.  Because usually, that's not the case.  But then again, this session wasn't about me and maybe that made the difference.  I don't recall crying much when I was trying to help my former student with his situation with his friend either.  Guess I'm okay when the focus is not on me.

I haven't even gone through a third of these pics but I am, slowly, but surely.  Reading what others say about their life and cancer.  I've cried through the ones I have read, and I'm sure there are more tears to be shed along the way.  Thought I would share with you because it's important. 

I'm not scheduled for another visit to the Cancer Center.  Very odd to type that, let alone hearing it yesterday.  I'm supposed to call after I give birth, six months from now, to see where we stand and what to do next.  My safety net seems farther away, but this time the fear is not so overwhelming.  I'm okay with it.  And I will probably cherish not having to anticipate the visit for a bit. 

They say I look good and everything else looks fine.  That didn't stop me from getting a mani/pedi afterwards, but it did allow me to enjoy it a bit more.  :)  I guess now I can give myself a break, some time, to enjoy this baby that is on the way.  To enjoy my two boys and their rambuctious selves.  And to really enjoy this life that I am blessed to have.  I live in fear a lot of days - not just of the cancer, but so many other worries.  And I'm starting to realize that maybe it's really not worth all the emotional stress that I go through.  Truly, I can really say, I've battled cancer and I'm still here!  What more can really bring me to that point except that very point and who is to say when that would be and who is to say if that will ever occur so why not live life a little bit better than before, right?

Time ticks on.  Waiting in the waiting room.  Checked in an hour earlier than my appointment, but already told that it wouldn't make a difference to see the doctor.  LOL  Go figure.  I could be late and still be on time to see him, that's how busy he is.  They've changed the waiting room.  The pediatric check-in is now on the same end the adult check-in is at.  That's hard.  Lots of kids today.  I hear the crying, the sad faces.

But outside of that, I enjoy my time here in this city.  Everytime I come back, I find myself smiling, looking at simple things like the trees and feeling a sense of peace in the surrounding.  Weird, eh?  If I could move here, I really would.  It really is a dynamic town.  Depending on what time I get out of here, I will be making a stop for some dessert...my treat to myself.  LOL  Yes, I have started to believe in the notion of treating oneself...it's necessary and vital.  :)

Fifteen weeks today.  Saw the OB and everything is good.  His assistant scared me for a second as she couldn't find the heartbeat.  Time ticks very slowly at that point when I'm listening and not hearing a steady rhythm.  But in the end, she finds it and all is well.  He asked me if I had questions.  I had nothing for him.  And in turn, he had nothing for me either.  Third one is the charm.  LOL  He says I kind of know the routine by now.  He did bring up the fact that I delivered four weeks early the last time.  That's one week less than they like.  He started to talking to me about hormone shots that would commence at 17 weeks but said that he's not really going to push that.  He doesn't think I really need it.  I did explain to him how the last delivery happened.  He laughed and probably thinks it was a fluke that I knew when I was going to deliver.  Oh well.  I know what happened and maybe I was just in-tune with things then.  :)  He asked if I could just wait until 37 weeks this time. 

I'm tired.  I really need to stop.  Take a break.  Stop worrying...about work...about home...about the kids...about everything...just stop.  But there's not enough time in the day to take a break.  And moments when I've just lost all concentration, I still totally don't do anything productive like stopping.

I am scheduled to see my oncologist on Monday.  No scans this time.  Just bloodwork and a physical check of the various areas where the lymph nodes would be noticed if they were enlarged.  I cannot express how scary it is to not have a scan, to not have actual photos of my insides that show activity or lack of.  I won't scans for a while due to the pregnancy.  It's a bit overwhelming and can cause uneasiness.  But all I can do is pray and hope that all is well within my body. 

I had a momentary breakdown over the weekend.  I finally verbalized my guilt with my youngest when I got sick.  It was hard to actually say how I felt, even though I've known it all along.  As much as I know he adjusted fine to my absence and my return, I cannot help but feel bad...for what?  For getting sick, for losing time, for not being strong enough for my littlest man during a time where he was growing exponentially in size and skill.  I look back at pictures of those times and I wasn't in much of them, not that I ever am, but I know I wasn't there for whatever reason.

I don't know what this pregnancy will do as far as my cancer.  I don't know what effects it will hold.  I pray that I will deliver a healthy child and that I will be able to watch all three of my children grow into adulthood.  That scares to ponder that there is a chance I won't be there.  I know, I know, why am I thinking that?  Because mortality, once faced, is not something I can ignore.  I really can't.  I want to, but I can't...

The boys know there is a new baby on the way.  They are extremely sweet with giving hugs, asking how the baby is doing, being sweet to one another, and so much more.  It's very endearing and I love to watch it.  It's always so hard to think that my heart can squeeze in one more person to love.  But I guess that's the same as when I was expecting the second when my heart was overflowing with love for my first.  LOL  And there's always room for one more, more love for one more.  I'm getting more and more excited.  Possibly because I'm looking more and more...well, pregnant.  LOL  It seemed unrealistic for a bit of time.  Now, I can't really deny the bulge. 

I have moments of panic.  Wondering what I will do with three.  How will I handle three...and work full-time..and run a household and do all that I do...without losing my mind.  I know it somehow all works out.  But I still wonder.  How will I do it all?  I know I have a supermom complex, but I accepted many things, out of necessity, when I got sick and went through treatment.  Those things I worked on after treatment, to move beyond my sickness.  But with three...well, the curious thought would be that I would do what it is that other moms do and that is try to be supermom.  Right?  Wow.  Three.  My favorite number.  Go figure. 

I wish I could share with you all the thoughts I have had since my last blog.  Unfortunately I can't, although I believe I have much to share, so much has gone through my head, that I honestly don't remember it all.  I think mostly and clearly in the early morning, and I think critically on my drive to work.  In that, of course, I can't type out my thoughts at that particular moment.  However, I've been everywhere with my thoughts...somehow all related to one another, I am seeing.

Today's thoughts were about how I wouldn't know and believe in God so strongly if it weren't for the tragedies, the fear, the seemingly "wrong" things that happen.  In a way, that's a sad thing because it would seem that I should believe regardless...and I do, but my emphasis is that it was made stronger when I continued to be faced with challenges, in fact, as I continue to face challenges.

Lately, I've been open about the fact that since I got sick and went through treatment, I've become crass in my demeaner.  Of course, I just looked up the definition and it says that it's "unrefined as to be lacking in discrimination and sensibility" (wordnetweb.princeton.edu).  So, maybe I'm not that extreme, but I tend to not hold back anymore, I tend to say what I feel and I don't necessarily feel bad about it.  It allows me to be at the least, honest.  Maybe I could say things in a bit more tactful way, and I have moments where I do think first but for the most part, I just say what I feel and go with it.

As of late, I find myself not knowing what to say.  Maybe the thoughts are all getting jumbled back up in my head.  I have been quiet about many things.  Every once in a while, I do say something, and think back that maybe I shouldn't have..  I know that place..I was there before I got sick.  It causes me anguish, worry, sadness.  Maybe this is my hormones talking, I don't know.  I just find myself at various crossroads, looking down each path and wondering what to do.

It is National Young Adult Cancer Awareness Week.  I've read various stories about other people in my age range going through the rigors of this disease.  I've shed many tears both for their losses and their wins...I've shed tears for my own.  As much as I think that I've finally gotten past this cancer thing, I realize that I'm forever bound to it.  My life is defined with it as a component.  Even after I reach my cure date, five years post treatment, it will still be part of my definition. 

We all have friends who have been touched by cancer in some way or another.  You all have been touched by it because of what I went through.  Some have dealt with it better than others.  And that's okay.  I can honestly say that most of you don't think much of that time long ago when you see me.  There are no visible signs that would make it obvious.  The most would be seeing the scar where my mediport was or noticing the tattoo dots from the radiation treatments.  The sadness, the anger, the frustrations are mostly gone.  It wasn't easy...months of therapy - talk, art, music, drugs - yes, I tried lots of things to get beyond those feelings.  And my husband will tell you that even just as little as a year ago, I was different than I am today.  Still struggling at various times, lost and alone.  I pray for you, my friends, who have been touched by this disease, that your sadness, anger, frustrations and other emotions and physical ailments that have been brought on by the stress of it, that God can enter and help you heal and find peace.  That YOU will allow Him to help you.  That your anger is not displaced towards Him, although He would understand it.  I pray that these emotions be channelled in a way that will allow more positive thoughts and emotions to come alive, that your faith brings you forward, instead of your fear and anger holding you back.  You are NOT alone, you never have been.  I pray for you peace, understanding, strength to hold on and belief that He has not forsaken you.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.  James 1:5 (NIV): If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Today has been a snippet of thoughts.  I hope I have enough to share the rest in the coming days.  May you find the beauty of a closed flower timidly trying to break through the ground today...