I wish I could share with you all the thoughts I have had since my last blog.  Unfortunately I can't, although I believe I have much to share, so much has gone through my head, that I honestly don't remember it all.  I think mostly and clearly in the early morning, and I think critically on my drive to work.  In that, of course, I can't type out my thoughts at that particular moment.  However, I've been everywhere with my thoughts...somehow all related to one another, I am seeing.

Today's thoughts were about how I wouldn't know and believe in God so strongly if it weren't for the tragedies, the fear, the seemingly "wrong" things that happen.  In a way, that's a sad thing because it would seem that I should believe regardless...and I do, but my emphasis is that it was made stronger when I continued to be faced with challenges, in fact, as I continue to face challenges.

Lately, I've been open about the fact that since I got sick and went through treatment, I've become crass in my demeaner.  Of course, I just looked up the definition and it says that it's "unrefined as to be lacking in discrimination and sensibility" (wordnetweb.princeton.edu).  So, maybe I'm not that extreme, but I tend to not hold back anymore, I tend to say what I feel and I don't necessarily feel bad about it.  It allows me to be at the least, honest.  Maybe I could say things in a bit more tactful way, and I have moments where I do think first but for the most part, I just say what I feel and go with it.

As of late, I find myself not knowing what to say.  Maybe the thoughts are all getting jumbled back up in my head.  I have been quiet about many things.  Every once in a while, I do say something, and think back that maybe I shouldn't have..  I know that place..I was there before I got sick.  It causes me anguish, worry, sadness.  Maybe this is my hormones talking, I don't know.  I just find myself at various crossroads, looking down each path and wondering what to do.

It is National Young Adult Cancer Awareness Week.  I've read various stories about other people in my age range going through the rigors of this disease.  I've shed many tears both for their losses and their wins...I've shed tears for my own.  As much as I think that I've finally gotten past this cancer thing, I realize that I'm forever bound to it.  My life is defined with it as a component.  Even after I reach my cure date, five years post treatment, it will still be part of my definition. 

We all have friends who have been touched by cancer in some way or another.  You all have been touched by it because of what I went through.  Some have dealt with it better than others.  And that's okay.  I can honestly say that most of you don't think much of that time long ago when you see me.  There are no visible signs that would make it obvious.  The most would be seeing the scar where my mediport was or noticing the tattoo dots from the radiation treatments.  The sadness, the anger, the frustrations are mostly gone.  It wasn't easy...months of therapy - talk, art, music, drugs - yes, I tried lots of things to get beyond those feelings.  And my husband will tell you that even just as little as a year ago, I was different than I am today.  Still struggling at various times, lost and alone.  I pray for you, my friends, who have been touched by this disease, that your sadness, anger, frustrations and other emotions and physical ailments that have been brought on by the stress of it, that God can enter and help you heal and find peace.  That YOU will allow Him to help you.  That your anger is not displaced towards Him, although He would understand it.  I pray that these emotions be channelled in a way that will allow more positive thoughts and emotions to come alive, that your faith brings you forward, instead of your fear and anger holding you back.  You are NOT alone, you never have been.  I pray for you peace, understanding, strength to hold on and belief that He has not forsaken you.  In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.  James 1:5 (NIV): If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Today has been a snippet of thoughts.  I hope I have enough to share the rest in the coming days.  May you find the beauty of a closed flower timidly trying to break through the ground today...