Dear Rachelle,

You are getting ready to leave for Chicago. You are going to run your first ever marathon! You will run in memory and in honor of those affected by cancer.

I admire you. I am proud of you. I love you.

I wish that I could be there to root you on. Things didn't go like I had hoped and so I won't be there. But know that I am there with you, in spirit and love, in support and gratitude.

I admire you. I am proud of you. I love you.

Tita

Ap*ple icon Ste*ve J*obs passed away yesterday from his battle with cancer.  People were in shock, people felt deeply about it.  I didn't allow myself those feelings.  I actually tried to ignore and walk away from the conversation.  It wasn't to diminish the event or disrespect him.  I just can't engage in those conversations.

The "people" I speak of are those that have been affected by cancer because they know someone, love someone who has it or has had it.  They are the ones that hurt more outwardly because they cannot do anything for those that they care about when the body decides that it doesn't want to fight anymore. 

For me, as a survivor in remission...it's always in the back of my mind.  That never-ending thought that says that time is precious and do what needs to be done today, not tomorrow.  How can I still have those thoughts in my head?  It's four years today since my collapse.  Tests upon tests have shown nothing significant inside of me.  And yet, my mind keeps this thought burning as a small ember in my brain.  I laid in bed thinking last night..the memories of what happened that early morning playing back in my mind... 

Four years of survivorship, three and a half of remission...they say at five of remission, I will be claimed "cured."  I chuckle as I type that.  CURED...what does that really mean?  See, for as much as I have always said that cancer does not define who I am, it does lend to the definition of who I am..it is an undeniable attribute that I will always carry.  I refused to tell people I had cancer when I was going through my worst days because I thought that admitting it was accepting a losing battle.  I learned eventually that admitting it was actually accepting my strength and love for life.  So for the rest of my life, there can never be a point where I don't acknowledge that I am a survivor, cured or not. 

Mr. J*obs was a brilliant man..creative and innovative, way ahead of some of us.  He will be missed.  I am grateful that I have been able to see how his products have evolved through the years.  When he stepped down as the top guy of his company, I said a prayer hoping that he would be okay.  Your ability to take the risks to see beyond the end of the road was extraordinary...something that I would love to emulate.  Thank you, Mr. J*obs for being a pillar of ingenuity and vision and a stronghold of humanity through your ability to build people up to be productive in such a way that pulled people closer together through technology.  Seems like an oxymoron, and yet that was probably why you were such a success.  Thoughts and prayers to the family and friends...

CureSearch Walk

It's over. Months of meetings, phone calls, planning, asking...done for the year. It was good. Turned out well. The rain that was in the forecast never came. A beautiful day. I only shed a couple tears.

Will I be part of it next year? Part of the team? Yes. Part of the committee? I don't know. It requires commitment. I'm glad I did it this year, don't get me wrong. Just don't think I got everything out of it. Sounds selfish, I know. But it's honest.

It's been a hard week. Lots of memories. Tears. Anguish. Pain sucks. But I get the messages that God sends and I keep moving. That's what it's about...keep moving.

I cannot hear in my left ear.  It started last night.  I'm not dizzy or off-centered so it's more of a clogged issue than anything else, I think...I hope.  Anyway, I found myself laughing on the way to work because I thought about how funny God can be about trying to get His messages to me in such a way that I would take notice.  Oh, I'm noticing right now, sir, let me tell you!  LOL

Only being able to hear on one side forces me to be much more aware of the things around me...to actually LISTEN.  Because as much as I tend to hear many things with both ears, listening is something much more.  And as I typed that, it becomes more evident how that relates to how I live on a daily basis.

A few posts ago I admitted that I don't live in the now..that I miss lots of moments because I'm rushing to do so many things all at the same time.  It sucks.  But I don't know any other way to do it.  Admittedly, it also all falls in to the fact that I'm exhausted everyday with no energy.  I avoid things.  And while I'm avoiding, my list continually gets longer with things that are added at a moments notice.  Most of the time I don't think too much about it, I just do it, because it has to be done.  What's getting upset going to do?  But then I know when the little things start to bother me, it means that it's been adding up a long time.

I think I sometimes live in this dreamworld where despite the fact that I work a full-time job outside the home, I should still be the great provider all the time.  And I'm sure it is possible, that there are women who do that, but really, am I one of them?  I'm not.  And why do I beat myself up trying to do that?  I made some bad choices in my life so financially this is where I stand...I have to work to pay the bills that I've accrued.  Simple enough right?  So, therefore, here I am..working this job, and going home to work my other job.

I love my other job wayyy more.  It has more risks, but so many more benefits.  I wish I had the patience to be so much more better at it.  But unfortunately, when the majority of the day requires my attention at other things, like work, by the time I hit this job, I'm tired.  And that plainly put...sucks.

My kids require me to be in the present.  My husband requires me to be in the present.  My house requires that I be close to the present and not let it get out of hand.  My mother requires that I be in the present and sometimes a little earlier than that (I don't know how many of you have parents you take care of, but it requires a lot and I feel ill-equipped despite the fact that I knew long ago that I would be here....ahhhh, another blog).  Some days, I would just like to be  caught up to last week or something.

I got off on a tangent, didn't I?  Hearing loss, paying more attention...must do.  Must do.  Actually it's a have to do.  And if I turn it around, to see it as a blessing, it's something I GET TO do.  Because it is a blessing, a lesson to be learned about how I relate to the people and things around me.

Oh, and a ladybug joined me for the commute into work this morning.  I watched it as it held on tight to the wiper fluid thingy as I was doing 80 mph.  It didn't let go.  I, of course, looked up the symbolism of it.  Very interesting...luck and protection, restore trust and faith...those are some of the words I saw as I flipped through various pages.  On Friday, a huge dragonfly appeared next to me.  I don't fear them, as I'm used to them being around me.  Not one as close as that day though.  When you look into the meanings of dragonflies...well, it talks about things like this post.  Interesting, eh?  Yes, the world is connected and God clues me in in interesting ways...

It's been a rough week (and it's only Tuesday)...I thought it was just because a year ago, we lost Little Man and today is his birthday and so it's just been hard. But today, as I was driving, it kept bothering me that the past couple of days I've just been so very, very tired...so teary-eyed and blah...

For each of my children's birthday, I celebrate them and I celebrate me. In fact, for every one of my wonderful family and friends who has a child celebrating a birthday, I celebrate the mama also because it's their day too...it's their birthing day. A woman's birthing day is very special as it is the day that a new life is brought into the world. I was always told that women forget the pain of labour. Hah! I haven't forgotten at all! Three times of not getting that doggone epidural!! But all that pain was very much worth it when I got that wiggly little body next to me. :)

So for each of my children's birth day, I take time out to acknowledge what my body remembers of that day. It's usually with elation, a sense of high feelings, of wonder and amazement that I brought those funny kids into this world. It's a pretty package tied up neatly with a bow.

But birthing days are not the only days that my body remembers. As I've shared in the past, October and March (coincidently the months of my children's birthdays) are very significant as those were my months of diagnosis and end of chemo treatment. I take time out on those days for myself..to reflect, to celebrate, to live. October is usually the harder month where I feel more tired than March. This October will be different as I have little E now so it will be interesting to see how that will be.

But this week, a rough week physically for me and as I was driving to work this morning, I realized why...in 2007, this was the week my body started to turn on me. The coughing started..the fevers started.. This was the week that I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I can't explain that haunting feeling that I remember. I just have snippets of my memory flashing back at times...

So add my body's memories to Little Man's memories and departure and here I sit, at my computer, crying and reflecting. For the mamas and papas who have birthing days without your little one physically by your side...I know not the type of pain that inflicts you but I am deeply inspired by your strength and neverending ability to still share your love with those around you.

Mobile blogging

Going to see if this will get me to blog more often. I have to stop thinking that I'll remember moments and realize that its bit about me but rather my kids. This blog is something I'm leaving for them. It's the memories that are created in present time. (I wish I could one-finger type as fast as the words are hitting my thoughts but alas, I'm not that skilled. Lol.)

So at this moment the house is still. Boys in bed. Baby is quietly nursing. We miss daddy but we have our own routine when he's not here. He'll be home tomorrow. Routine will resume as status quo. So actually it's a good night to break out the laptop and think through the memories....

National Cancer Survivor's Day 2011...I've made it to another one.  I'm not going to any survivor events today.  I'm actually quite sad right now.  Realizing what today is and having been part of a fundraiser for Marcellus' Warriors 3 yesterday makes this day a bittersweet one.

I continue to be grateful everyday of the blessing of having the opportunity to wake up and be part of this life with family and friends.  Three and a half years ago.  Can you believe it?  Sometimes I can't.  Last week someone pointed out my port scar..they started to ask what happened but then stopped when they realized what it was.  For a few seconds, there was this silence between us.  The funny thing about the silence in those few minutes is that up until that silence, I wasn't considered a survivor by that person.  I was just me.  And that was good.  Because honestly?  I would like to think I'm pretty normal despite everything else.  But I don't run from my survivorship.  Sometimes I wish I could though.  I still struggle with the fact that I have survived.  It is hard.  I have no words to explain why, but it is.

On a pretty regular basis, people ask how I am and encourage me to make sure my health continues to be strong.  On a pretty regular basis, I am reminded that it is important to not be so stressed out.  On a pretty regular basis, I realize I am survivor and all the things that come with that...

Make everyday count..LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE STRONG!!

I'm coming home 

I'm coming home 

tell the World I'm coming home 

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday 

I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes 

I'm coming home, I'm coming home 

tell the World that I'm coming 

---Diddy-Dirty Money - Coming Home

The very first time I heard this song, I started to cry.  The memories, the flashbacks of my treatment days where I wanted to just throw the towel in and raise the white flag.  Gosh, how weak was I, right?  Even as I type this, the tears crowd in the corners of my eyes as I remember.  I have been reminded a lot lately of what cancer is, what it does, how it affects each of us - the one that has it, the one that cares for us, the one that cries behind closed doors, the one in the distance who looks and the one who walks away because it hurts too much.  How absolutely horrible it is that this one "thing" can affect so many of us....

I pray that there will be cures that are discovered, found, created, what-have-you...  In the meantime, if you have it - don't give up.  If you had it, live strong and continue to move forward.  If you have lost someone to it, be happy that they no longer feel pain and when you are ready, help others who continue to fight.

My niece is running the Chicago Marathon in October.  Please help her raise funds at http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/DetermiNation/DNFY11IL?px=21141857&pg=personal&fr_id=35207 for the American Cancer Society.  “If you can't feed a hundred people, then just feed one.”--Mother Teresa.  You don't have to give a lot, even $5.00 to give up that latte for today, will help...

THANK YOU...

It was 3 years post chemo treatment in March, it will be 3 years post radiation treatment at the end of this month...I am grateful.

I admit it...I don't live in the moment.  I don't engage 100% with whatever I'm doing because in my head, I engage in the other 20 things that I have to, accomplish, be, have, etc.  Even now, as I type this, I am distracted. I wanted to be blogger at one point, to have a site that people came to and laughed, cried, reminisced and found wisdom for something that they were going through themselves...but I don't put enough effort or attention to it.  The pictures I never seem to upload, the thoughts that fly away because I don't regularly sit here in this space to write.

I have a problem with that.  It means I miss out on some truly great moments.  Because I will always have to back up and try to rethink things to figure out what I did miss.  The accident?  Yeah, probably distraction.  The door of my car not being closed and having someone go in the car and steal the Coach umbrella (there was nothing else in the car to steal beyond that) and not noticing that the car door was ajar the whole day??  Really??  How can someone not notice that considering how many times I passed it in the driveway?  Yes, see and feel the frustration level right now?

My kids...please forgive me for not ever being in that moment with you in the way I should be.  So much I want to do, but I don't, because I say I can't...(((sigh)))...

Maybe this is my self-pity blog.  I'm just tired.  Again the signs point me in directions...this happens to be the thing at the moment that I need to realize about myself.  What do I do?  How do I make that change of being only a part-time momenter, to a full-time momenter?

I heard a song today that lifted me out of my funk momentarily...

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use

-Francesca Battistelli




Truth.  

These past few days have proven to be very interesting...as you know I believe that coincidence is nothing more than recognized calculations of events that require someone to notice their relatedness.  The events of the past few days have a connection...

On Sunday, we dropped off the boys to their respective Sunday school classrooms.  The sermon was about prayer and how powerful it can be.  The three principles of prayer that were shared were:

1. Prayer does not automatically spare us from great trials (Acts 12:1-4).
2. Prayer delivers us from impossible situations (Acts 12:5-10).
3. God's answers are often greater than what we can ask or imagine (Acts 12:11-17).

I can testify that my cancer experience exhibited all three of those principles.  Flat out.  No questions.  In my current state, at this very moment, I can still say that those principles are in effect for I continue to have trials (i.e. the car accident) but I walked away unscratched from it.  The third one...that's the tricky one....

Well, as I was listening to this sermon, the pastor talks about his personal experience where he and his wife were told that they would not have children.  That it was impossible.  Prayers later found her telling him that she thought she was pregnant.  Wow.  She was.  They went through another trial where she was rushed to the hospital.  Thirty years later, their son is still doing well.  Isn't that an amazing story?  

We pick up the boys.  We are walking and S looks at me and says that the teacher had pulled him over and told him that A had been asking questions about God.  She answered those questions and then asked him if he accepted Jesus as his Saviour.  He said yes.  Wow.  I was not expecting that so soon.  Very incredible to learn that!  I'm still wondering how to proceed with that...

Then last night, we were talking at the kitchen table.  And A asks why little man had to go to heaven.  OMG! I was floored.  S did a great job explaining how God sometimes calls us home and because little man wasn't feeling good, God let him come home.  Very simple and yet to the point.  I started to cry, of course.  And then he said that he remembers looking at him lying there and then when he looked back, it was like he disappeared....S and I interpreted that as A seeing/feeling the spirit having left the body.  Wow, right?  Truly I was amazed that we were having this conversation.

Today, I was in a meeting, met a woman who I had met previously.  I had met her sister-in-law before I had E last fall.  She said that her sister wasn't working currently as the husband was fighting another battle with cancer.  He was originally diagnosed with lung cancer and had gone into remission.  Although they had been checking him, they only checked his lungs.  A second cancer had ensued and now he was stage 4 and headed to his third chemo session tomorrow.  I was floored again with this information.  I am well aware of the possibility of another cancer popping up.  She said to make sure I was checked all over, which I pretty much am because I was stage 4 when it all happened.  I trust my doctors and know that I'm well watched.  But yes, that possibility of another cancer popping up is always in the back of my mind, as well as all the side effects that the chemo caused.

Then, at dinner today, S says he talked with a guy that was diagnosed with the same thing I had and who was very helpful when I was going through treatment.  I hadn't talked to him since treatment and so hearing his name today really threw me considering all that I just shared with you.  

Needless to say, I'm on information/conversation overload!  Not sure what will come at me tomorrow...I'm just grateful for the blessings of today.  If these incidents were reminders, trust me, I get it.  If these incidents are warnings, then bring it, because I believe in greater things and know that greater things have yet to come.

One year, one month later...another car accident.  Really?  Yes, really.  I'm okay.  My feelings are hurt.  I feel like a fool..an idiot.  But I'm alive.  Wish I could say this didn't involve another car but I ended up rear-ending someone.  Going down Telegraph.  I saw the light turn yellow, I took my foot off the accelerator.  The car in front of me had more than enough time to make it before it turned red.  Instead, they slammed on their brakes.  Car was about 15-20 feet behind the line.  I didn't have enough time even though I slammed on my brakes.  I watched the rear end come closer and then the front hood crumpled up in front of me.  Slow motion, just like last year.  Same car that I just filled up with gas ($50).  Yeah, I was thrilled.  Got checked at ER.  No trauma this time.  But it took a while.  Discharged with a note off for the rest of the week, neck sprain, and script for pain meds.

I am eternally grateful for my in-laws who were there for me, once again.  Ever since I had cancer, they have been there in my moments of need.  Can't even explain the gratitude I feel for them.  I just truly appreciate them and love them.  I hated telling S.  He's out of the country, not just out of town.  But I couldn't not tell him.  And my mom?  Yeah, well, we'll move on.

So the meaning of all this?  Not sure...slow down??  Stop trying to do everything??  Or flip it and be just more grateful for the blessings.  Be thankful that I learn that asking for help isn't a bad thing.  And that taking the time to pray before I start driving, always helps, even in ways that don't seem like it because after all, I walked away from another accident.

I can't express to you how much I have been feeling like things were finally starting to turn around for me.  I've been hopeful and really trying to envision my future of things that I wanted to accomplish and do.  Maybe this is part of the learning curve, I have to assume that, don't I?  God doesn't put us in situations we can't handle.  I don't know how much more tragedy I can assume within my life though, but if that is what I am supposed to endure, than I must endure...and I will do it with great love and trust in Him.  Thank you, Lord, for your constant watch and protection.  I know I am not worthy and feel blessed for Your loving care.  Amen.

March 19...three years now.  Wow.  Time continues to march on.  I usually take time for me on this day, to just reflect and remember.  The other day I usually take is October 6...well, Elon now has that day.  :)

I'm not going to be sad today.  It was a good day three years ago when I had my last chemo treatment and so I won't be sad.  But then why, when I think about it, do the tears still come to the corners of my eyes?  And that rush of heavy breathing start?  Because for me, despite it being three years ago, still seems like just yesterday.

I want to tell you what I want.  So that it can be real.  So that I can be definitive and not be scared.  But before I do that, I need to talk about "balance" and what that means.  I was asked yesterday how I manage to handle my family and work lives.  I laughed...out loud...not just a lol, but really laughed.  Why?  Because I don't think I do it well.

A few weeks ago, I had a discussion with my supervisor about this balance thing also.  And mind you, this concept of balance comes up a lot in my life, I would assume, because God is trying to get me to understand it so he keeps bringing it to my attention so that I can finish my thought and deal with it. 

Anyway, the notion of balance must start in how one defines it.  My life being balanced when I was 8, 18, 28 and now are very different from each period.  At 8, I was balanced (hopefully) in the sense that I went to school and I had home life.  I did my work and I played.  Everything else was pretty much taken care of for me by someone else - food, clothing, shelter, etc.  I wanted stuff, I asked.  Etc. Etc. 

At 18, I was a freshman in college.  Trying to deal with the difference in schedules from high school, boys and being away from home.  Working to have pocket money but not really having bills.  I goofed off a lot, I remember.  I was home a lot, too.  No real pressures, I don't think, just trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.

At 28, I had my master's degree but didn't have a "real" job as I did odd jobs for a bit.  I just got married and was trying to figure out what that truly meant.  I had more time because I didn't have school anymore but then that meant I had more time to worry about a job and paying bills.  But still relatively okay, I think. 

At 38, I have a full-time job that no longer inspires me that requires a commute.  Three kids, a husband and a mother in my household.  A mortgage for a house that has lost its monetary value but still requires the time and effort of upkeep and maintenance.  Bills.  Am in remission from cancer.  Trying to teach my kids values that will give them a good foundation for growing.  Trying to be a good wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend.  Wanting to be inspiring to others.  Looking for my purpose.  Etc.  Etc.

See how all that just shifted?  My balance is off.  I don't think I adjusted my definition between 28 and 38 to account for the changes in my life.  We think that if we do our 40-hour week job and then come home - we should be able to have the time to play and have quality time with our family, handle all the chores of the home and manage some free time for ourselves.  Well, that doesn't happen for me.  It may happen for others who are capable of sorting their life out well, but I'm not one of those people. 

After cancer, time meant something totally different to me.  It became precious and I didn't want to waste it on things that weren't that important.  My kids, my family equated to important.  My job, my chores not equally so.  Not saying they weren't important, but they were lower on the list.  If I had to choose between sitting down with my boys for reading time and laundry, the reading time would win.  That seems like such a normal thing that someone would choose but the guilt that ensued for not doing the chore would overcome me.  And then obviously the consequences of not having clean clothes, etc. would just snowball away.  In fact, others started questioning my decisions.  Yeah.  It got ugly.

Maybe because I'm not a good manager of time, the issue of balance is just that...an issue.  That makes sense, right?  I mean, if I managed my time, then I should technically have enough hours to fulfill all the obligations that I have, right?  Or do I just need to be honest with myself and those around me about what is important...that too simple?  Seems like it.

Saying to my job that I will be in at such and such a time on these days and need to be out by this time on these days because of family obligations would work, right?  And that when I get home, this is the routine about dinner, QT with the family, chores and bed, right?  Are there allowances for when I'm completely exhausted because I run and run and run? 

I just want to be good mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.  I want to spend quality time to enjoy the fleeting moments of childhood with my kids because it will be gone soon.  I want to spend quality time with my husband because he and I are partners for life and we need to get along and smile sometimes to ensure that we make it to a lifetime.  I want to make my family proud of who I am, what I believe and how I do what I do despite all the things that could go wrong. 

What do you do when you see signs pointing you to a different direction?  And by signs, I mean anything that is visual, conversational, tangible, anything.  I was just looking at my dashboard here and realized I had several drafts going that I never finished.  I didn't actually go view them because I'm not ready to deal with them but I wonder how often I run away from the signs.

You know I started blogging because it made things concrete for me.  To see words in black and white and make it relatively permanent is a bold thing...it's a statement.  And for me, that's so hard.  I don't talk much because I can't commit...wait, let me change that, I don't want to commit to anything.  LOL  For instance, because it's hilarious and I have to share it, today my husband wanted me to try a new app.  I'm for trying new things if it'll make our communication easier!  :)  So I told him I downloaded it my phone but he tells me to download it into my Chr*ome browser and register.  Well, to register, I have to put it an email address and I couldn't decide which one to use!!!!  LOL  We chatted about it and he's dying laughing on the other end because I'm having this issue about which gmail email address to use and he calls me a "virtual hoarder"!!!!  LMAO, truly, hilarious because I can be that!  I have like 50 million email addresses so that no one person can find me but then it drives me crazy because I have so many!!!!

Okay, I just digressed from my original thought (yes, you know that it doesn't take much).  Anyway, so signs that point me to another direction.  These things that cause you to say "hhhmmmm" and stop to think.  And mind you, I don't really believe in coincidences.  Those are calculated experiences/situations that require you to address in some way.  I say that and now feel compelled to rephrase my original question to this:  what do you do when you see signs pointing you to a different direction that takes you out of that comfortable, yet annoying place you are currently at?

I usually run or turn around and pretend that where I'm at isn't so bad.  Yeah, I hate to admit that, but that's what I do.  But the funny thing is that God doesn't allow me to do without consequences.  And, luckily for me, He gives me another chance, sometimes several to follow-through on what I need to do to face it and move forward.

I've been working at this current job since 2002.  I had told myself I would only be here for five years.  At five years, I was out there interviewing for other positions.  And then I got sick and couldn't leave.  I've recuperated, I'm in remission and now, I'm back on my mission to keep on moving.  I have to.  I have three kids under the age of 7 and I live an hour away.  I shortchange my work days to take care of them and I'm sure that will catch up to me soon.  But my priorities are my family first and believe it or not, I spend my off hours checking emails and doing work that is doable at home to make sure that I make up the time that I'm not sitting in my office.  I have a cushy job and I could stay here for a while longer.  But I would be miserable and unhappy.  I'm close to that now.  I want to see my kids, I want to be able to get to them in a timely manner.  I want to be in a metropolitan area that allows me to feel refreshed instead of beaten down.  And, to top it all off, the signs....and there have been plenty, coming in abundant directions, are just screaming at me that it's time to move on!

So...what do I do now?  This is always my dilemma.  What step do I take next?  What am I supposed to be doing?  Why do I start doubting myself?  Why is that fear of failure always more prevalent than the idea of sweet success?

I want to go back to helping others.  Via therapy, consulting, cheesecake baking, whatever.  LOL  I have to come to realize that when I'm presented with an opportunity to help people, I do it and I do it well.  I have talked people through difficult situations, been a sounding board, helped conceptualize ideas....how do I do that on my terms?  If you know how, tell me, share with me your knowledge.  And that book that I want to publish?  I still want to do that.  Did I ever tell you I made that Faith, Hope & Love blog into a book?  I did.  I never ordered it because I wanted to make some editing changes but I had it into a book.  Something else to finish on my long list of to-dos.  (((sigh)))

I don't want my life to get away from me.  When I got sick, I felt like I had wasted so much time because at that point, time was so precious to me.  I don't want to be there again.  I want life to be meaningful and happy.  So I guess that means I can't ignore the signs, right?

What a week!  E had her four month checkup last Monday (yes, it's been four months already!).  They wanted to do three shots and an oral.  I agreed to two and the oral.  She survived.  So did I.  The fever started and stayed until Wednesday or so.  The draining and coughing  has continued to this point.  Wednesday was when my sore throat started.  Coughing soon ensued.  Friday my fever and chills started.  N's fever and chills started Friday night.  S said he felt his throat starting that thing it does when he's about to get sick.  A's been running a low grade today.  Yes, it's been a happy household...yeah, right.

We are all on the mend.  But I won't lie that it hasn't crossed my mind...several times.  What?  This is how it all started three and half years ago.  I got sick with the flu.  The fever and chills, the coughing that never went away. N was the same age as E is now.  Too much in similarities.  And then, when I thought no one really was paying attention, my brother asks me again, how I was doing and I said I was okay.  And he asked again and then said, "You know I worry, right?  This is how is all started before."  Yeah.  That hit home.

But doubt and fear is not what I'm about.  Whatever will be, will be.  I will not fear it.  I can only move forward and continue with what I have to do.  I am not defined by my past, although it does make me who I am.  Does that make sense?  Acceptance of who I was, in order for me to be who I am, creates a me who turned out way better than I ever thought I would and is destined for so much more that is better.  :)  Yeah, that's me.

This blog is about to go on a whirlwind, I have lots of things to work out so be patient and understand.  Comment if you want and help me with my thoughts.  Know that I have truly started to accept that my purpose is that...MY PURPOSE.  And lately, the signs and messages have continued to direct me in paths that scare me but make me realize that as long as I trust in Him and keep my faith strong, He will take me where I need to be.

Trying to find my way back here.  It's hard.  I don't think I have enough to say, even though inside, I'm screaming with constant words.  It's actually more about just taking the time, once again, to let my fingers release the emotions.  More time, I promise, I will devote here.  Promise isn't for you to hold against me, it's for me to take care of myself.

In the meantime, here were my 60 days of thankfulness from fb.  I've decided to limit my time there now to only 2, maybe 3 times a day.  No games.  I don't think I even want to post status updates.  I need to channel that energy back here.

In keeping up with a practice that Maricar Lianne Fernandez had started last month, I've decided to start my own daily thanksgiving. Thankfulness, day 1. Thankful for my littlest one who is 8 weeks old today! I can't even express the joy and love she has brought to our family since her arrival on October 6, a day that used to bring me much sadness and anger. Happy 8 week birthday, Elon!! ♥

Thankfulness, day 2...snow. I don't like to drive in it, but there's something magical about watching it fall, especially early in the morning when the sun is starting to rise. The first snowfall brings anticipation for the little ones of a wondrous season to come. It makes things seem so peaceful, even if only for a moment. “To appreciate the beauty of a snow flake, it is necessary to stand out in the cold.”

Thankfulness, day 3...my mom. She's helped me with all three kids by watching them so that I can go to work. Without her, I wouldn't be able to work because the cost of daycare is just crazy! I am able to leave them in the comfort of my home, with the knowledge that they are safe with someone who truly loves them. I know it's a lot for her to have the 3, but she does what she can and I appeciate it. Thanks, Mom!! ♥

Thankfulness, day 4...homemade kutsinta sent from Leticia Deza in Cali. So wonderful to have family who cook and send goodies to enjoy a Saturday merienda. Yummy-yummy! Thanks Tita!!

Thankfulness, day 5...friends and family who help me during times when I am triple teamed with the kids. o_O Today could have been a break down and cry day without you all around. ♥

Thankfulness, day 6...the ability to exhale. Deep breaths during situations that are highly irritating never seem like enough at the time, but having the ability to exhale some of madness does help, even if it's only a little. We all have the opportunity to decide how we react to things and I guess I'm making the conscious effort to appreciate the chance I have to let it go...{{{blowing the air out}}}}

Thankfulness, day 7...chemo. Weird, right? Haven't had it in 2.5 years. But I read this blog and I started to cry. I remember those days of gut-wrenching nausea and wanting to give up...it sucked massively. I've lost many loved ones because chemo stopped working, but in the moments when it was working, at least I can say I GOT to tell them how inspirational they were. Cancer sucks, but for me, I can only be thankful that chemo got rid of those cells.   http://networkedblogs.com/bxV2r

Thankfulness, day 8...having Ahmir sit next to Elon in the car. It is so much help when Elon has her Kuya next to her to talk with her, sing her songs, hold her hand, and play games. Car rides aren't as traumatic for me when he's back there within reach of her. :)

Thankfulness, day 9...virtual conferencing. It's great to have the ability to be at a meeting even when I am physically not there. Life can become much more productive as it allows me to multi-task to a much greater degree. Oh wait...it allows me to do more work?! Hmmm... Lol

Thankfulness, day10...my arms. When my itty bitties need consoling, I wrap them up in my arms and hold tight. Big man has a fever and little girl got shots today. All I can do is hold them close and love them with all I have, hoping that their pain goes away. ♥

Thankfulness, day 11...brother conversations. Listening to my two boys when they are playing in their rooms is hilarious. The laughter and banter between the two can go on for hours. I hope they continue to be close as they get older.

Thankfulness, day 12...tree decorating time now that the boys are older is fun. My OCD tendencies want to take over but because the boys want to do it, I try to just enjoy the moment. :) They're hoping for a snow day tomorrow so they can finish it. Do I have enough resolve not to reorganize the ornaments? Lol.

Thankfulness, day 13...minimal pain. I have been feeling bad all day with my head carrying a dull pounding and nausea all day. What is there to be thankful for you ask? I've had days where the pounding has been excruciating and the nausea overwhelming. So what I'm going through now doesn't seem so bad.

Thankfulness, day 14...courage to drive again. In February, Noa & I spun out on the freeway and hit the cement median. Since then, I have dreaded driving in snowy, icy conditions, especially with the kids. It's unrealistic to think I could avoid it living in MI. I'm being put to the test right now...I'm stressed, but I'm doing it.

Thankfulness, day 15...20 degree temps. I walked out with no hat and coat unzipped even though it was only 20 degrees. Compared to the past couple of days, this feels like a heatwave. And couple that with the sun, it feels like spring. :)

Thankfulness, day 16...Ahmir's teacher for pushing him to be better because he's capable of it. He doesn't like it now but he'll learn to understand it later.

Thankfulness, day 17...Poang chair. At the end of the day, at the end of the week, sinking into this chair, rocking baby girl, I am able to wind down. He just put it together last weekend and I have found myself curling up on it every day. :)

Thankfulness, day 18...Saturday night at home. I sit in my Poang chair rocking my baby girl, the boys are playing games on the floor and Sawnawai is stretched out on the couch. Life is good right now as I am surrounded by love.

Thankfulness, day 19...a husband who explains homework problems with great patience. Do I really need to say more than that? :)

Thankfulness, day 20...Christmas cards. It seems like I'm late doing them this year but it gives me time to reflect and think about the year when I do them. I usually do a collage of pictures and it's amazing all the things that happen.

Thankfulness, day 21...conversations with baby girl. She's amazing. We converse regularly about the happenings of her day. The things she talks about are quite funny. I look forward to all our future talks. :)

Thankfulness, day 22...tears. I've shed my share of tears these past few days. Tears that spanned the emotional roller coaster of missing people in my life to loving people in a matter of moments. Tears where I couldn't stand to be in that one moment to being grateful I had a moment. Tears-simply complex.

Thankfulness, day 23...strangers. I lost my credit card while at the gas station. I searched endlessly in/out for 30 minutes thinking I had lost my mind. I saw a man pull in to the station I was at and asked if he saw it. He looked. Nope. Back in my car, close to tears, a knock on the window waving my card - he was about to pull out and saw it in the snow. Thank you, sir, for being an angel in disguise.

Thankfulness, day 24...the hustle and bustle of family when they enter the house to celebrate together. Happy Christmas everyone!!

Thankfulness, day 25...understanding. My living room is covered in leftover wrapping paper, ribbons and empty boxes. Despite all that, my two boys know that today is about the birth of Jesus Christ. We celebrate love and family. Merry Christmas!

Thankfulness, day 26...king size bed. Three little bodies lie between hubby and I. I love watching their little faces relax as sleep takes over. Makes me remember how wonderful it is to be their mother. Thank you, king size bed, for being big enough to hold all of us.

Thankfulness, day 27...exhaustion. Sometimes I need a little help getting some rest. At those points, exhaustion sets in and I just fall out...literally. Guess that's what happened yesterday (hence my lateness with the post). Try not to get that tired. But if you do, give in and get in bed.

Thankfulness, day 28...leftovers. My family members don't care for leftovers but I appreciate having a break from cooking. Now, if only I could get some more bibingka and cake to help finish off the rest of the leftovers..

Thankfulness, day 29...return address. I received a card from my former oncologist today. I've waited a year to hear from her. She said she ran across the card I sent last year just recently. Thank goodness I always put a return address! Can't wait to send her an update!

Thankfulness, day 30...she's ok. I slipped down my stairs. You know that stair scene and the person goes down on their bum (thump, thumpity, thump, thump)? That was me with baby girl this morning. I held on to her tight making sure we stayed upright until I stopped. She just got scared but she was safe. What a way to start the day.

Thankfulness, day 31...having another year where I grew to love, laugh, cry, remember, embrace, cherish, heal and hope. I look forward to 2011 and all its possibilities, but I'm grateful for 2010 for the experiences it has given me. Happy New Year everyone!! Be safe and may God bless us all...

Thankfulness, day 32...the first sunset of the year brought about hues of orange and yellow. That's unusual here in the middle of winter. But then having temps in the 40s is different too. So let's just take it for what it is-an indication of great things to come this year! :) Yes, I said it and so it shall be! :)

Thankfulness, day 33...everyone is feeling a little better. My three guys have been under the weather and today they seem a bit better. Not as many runny noses or funky coughing. :) Hoping this is the upswing and that Elon and I have bypassed it completely.

Thankfulness, day 34...my nieces. They are both in college but they still amuse me by letting me think I'm cool. LOL More important than that, they love their little cousins! Love it when I pull up in my driveway and see their car because I know there is fun and laughter brewing. :)

Thankfulness, day 35...hot tea. What a day! I'm cold and tired. Sipping a hot cup of tea eases some of the pain. Flavor tonight? Green apple.

Thankfulness, day 36...hugs from my kids. After more than 24 hours of having to keep my distance and restraint, I am enjoying the hugs from the kids. I'm hanging on for extra moments even when they let go. :)

Thankfulness, day 37...do-overs. Patience is not one of my strong points. Patience with book reports and homework is really not a strong point. But lucky for me, I am presented with ample opportunities to grow and practice this skill. Before he's done with first grade I hope to be better with it.

Thankfulness, day 38...quiet time. A week of anxiety, aches, pains, questions, more anxiety, etc. I savor this quiet moment that hubby has given me by taking the boys out. Although I miss being with them, and even though I'm surrounded with all the things I "should" be doing, I'm enjoying this one moment of stillness.

Thankfulness, day 39...body's natural defenses. Food poisoning. Horrible. On the mend, I hope. Have to rest. Good night.

Thankfulness, day 40...toothless grins. No matter how bad I feel, seeing an itty bitty smile makes everything better. Add to that a delighted giggle and my gray day is forgotten.

Thankfulness, day 41...PET scan - negative. All clear for another 6 months. Thanks for the prayers everyone! :)

Thankfulness, day 42...YOU. I am honored to be worthy of your thoughts and wishes today. Taking the time to call, text and message me today were the best gifts! May 2011 be a fantastic year for us all!!

Thankfulness, day 43...karate class. For one hour every MWF, I sit and watch Ahmir in class. I am reminded that just sitting up straight, in quiet meditation can be just as powerful as that roundhouse kick combo. Little grasshopper still has much to learn...

Thankfulness, day 44...preschool. Noa loves it! Enough said. :)

Thankfulness, day 45...a 3 year old that mimics me. Nothing like a gentle reminder that what I do is much more noticeable than what I say. :) Must remember that little eyes are watching and learning much more than I give them credit for.

Thankfulness, day 46...kindness of strangers. Always nice when strangers stop and offer help because they see the baby.

Thankfulness, day 47...seeing family. Got a chance to visit with my brother when he came over and did video skype with my niece. Also saw my in-laws! Love having family time!!

Thankfulness, day 48...speeches. It's MLK day and I got to spend time with Ahmir talking about Dr. King and hearing others talk about the things they do to promote his works. I also got to see Ahmir's artwork displayed for the MLK ceremony at the high school. Great way to celebrate this day so that he understands WHY he got the day off.

Thankfulness, day 49...insurance. I'm very thankful that I have health insurance to cover our family needs. I opened up a bill today and saw how much my bloodwork cost when I went to UM last month and trust me when I say that it would've taken me a few months to pay that off if I didn't have coverage. And that amount was nowhere near what chemo amounted to a few years ago. o_0 Very thankful, indeed.

Thankfulness, day 50...the past doesn't own me. I ran into someone who I had let go from a project. They didn't care for me much at the time. I felt bad about it too. But today, I didn't let that stop me from saying hello and asking about their well-being. It felt good to be beyond that point...I no longer allowed it to eat away at me.

Thankfulness, day 51...everyone is home. Always hard for me when the household is not complete. Don't sleep well and I worry. But all is well..the house is back to normal. Time to get some sleep.

Thankfulness, day 52...deep breaths. Sometimes it truly helps to be able to take some deep breaths. Not because I'm asthmatic, but because in the time that it takes to bring the air in and blow out, the small amount of relief at that moment causes a refocusing and attitude adjustment. I can only be who I am, and I can only do the best I can with that...even if it doesn't meet your expectation.

Thankfulness, day 53...family get-togethers. Love my Astorga clan!! Always good times to be had. Funny and hilarious we have all become through the years. =)

Thankfulness, day 54...lazy day. When you're part of the rat race everyday, it truly wears on you that everyday is about hustling. Today was so cold that it turned into a day of non-conviction. Pj day for the kids, sitting around and napping when I could. Wow, so this is how some of you spend your days...nice..

Thankfulness, day 55...shoveling snow. It wasn't a lot. It was already dark out. But for those 15 minutes or so, I was enveloped in a serene silence except for the occasional car that past by. I like shoveling snow. It brings me peace. That's something I could use more of...the peace, not necessarily the snow (which I do love when I'm not driving in it).

Thankfulness, day 56...encouragement. I don't know how to accept help very well. However, I appreciate encouragement. In fact, sometimes I think if people would just offer it more often, I could be so much more than I am. But it doesn't happen often but when it does, it offers a bright spot, and sometimes a reassurance that I really am not as bad as I think.

Thankfulness, day 57...commuting. I have an hour commute to work, each way. Amazing, sometimes, the amount of work I can get down on the way to/from.

Thankfulness, day 58...deadlines. Nothing like a deadline to ensure you get things done...and cause massive anxiety when you miss it..

Thankfulness, day 59...day off. I usually take a day off so that I can go do other things. I took today off with that same premise. But instead, today, I took the day off and took.the.day.off.

Thankfulness, day 60...blessed. Despite the circumstances, and in the overall scheme of things, my family is blessed and I am grateful for that. Thank you for being part of our blessings.