One year, one month later...another car accident. Really? Yes, really. I'm okay. My feelings are hurt. I feel like a fool..an idiot. But I'm alive. Wish I could say this didn't involve another car but I ended up rear-ending someone. Going down Telegraph. I saw the light turn yellow, I took my foot off the accelerator. The car in front of me had more than enough time to make it before it turned red. Instead, they slammed on their brakes. Car was about 15-20 feet behind the line. I didn't have enough time even though I slammed on my brakes. I watched the rear end come closer and then the front hood crumpled up in front of me. Slow motion, just like last year. Same car that I just filled up with gas ($50). Yeah, I was thrilled. Got checked at ER. No trauma this time. But it took a while. Discharged with a note off for the rest of the week, neck sprain, and script for pain meds.
I am eternally grateful for my in-laws who were there for me, once again. Ever since I had cancer, they have been there in my moments of need. Can't even explain the gratitude I feel for them. I just truly appreciate them and love them. I hated telling S. He's out of the country, not just out of town. But I couldn't not tell him. And my mom? Yeah, well, we'll move on.
So the meaning of all this? Not sure...slow down?? Stop trying to do everything?? Or flip it and be just more grateful for the blessings. Be thankful that I learn that asking for help isn't a bad thing. And that taking the time to pray before I start driving, always helps, even in ways that don't seem like it because after all, I walked away from another accident.
I can't express to you how much I have been feeling like things were finally starting to turn around for me. I've been hopeful and really trying to envision my future of things that I wanted to accomplish and do. Maybe this is part of the learning curve, I have to assume that, don't I? God doesn't put us in situations we can't handle. I don't know how much more tragedy I can assume within my life though, but if that is what I am supposed to endure, than I must endure...and I will do it with great love and trust in Him. Thank you, Lord, for your constant watch and protection. I know I am not worthy and feel blessed for Your loving care. Amen.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
March 19...three years now. Wow. Time continues to march on. I usually take time for me on this day, to just reflect and remember. The other day I usually take is October 6...well, Elon now has that day. :)
I'm not going to be sad today. It was a good day three years ago when I had my last chemo treatment and so I won't be sad. But then why, when I think about it, do the tears still come to the corners of my eyes? And that rush of heavy breathing start? Because for me, despite it being three years ago, still seems like just yesterday.
I'm not going to be sad today. It was a good day three years ago when I had my last chemo treatment and so I won't be sad. But then why, when I think about it, do the tears still come to the corners of my eyes? And that rush of heavy breathing start? Because for me, despite it being three years ago, still seems like just yesterday.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I want to tell you what I want. So that it can be real. So that I can be definitive and not be scared. But before I do that, I need to talk about "balance" and what that means. I was asked yesterday how I manage to handle my family and work lives. I laughed...out loud...not just a lol, but really laughed. Why? Because I don't think I do it well.
A few weeks ago, I had a discussion with my supervisor about this balance thing also. And mind you, this concept of balance comes up a lot in my life, I would assume, because God is trying to get me to understand it so he keeps bringing it to my attention so that I can finish my thought and deal with it.
Anyway, the notion of balance must start in how one defines it. My life being balanced when I was 8, 18, 28 and now are very different from each period. At 8, I was balanced (hopefully) in the sense that I went to school and I had home life. I did my work and I played. Everything else was pretty much taken care of for me by someone else - food, clothing, shelter, etc. I wanted stuff, I asked. Etc. Etc.
At 18, I was a freshman in college. Trying to deal with the difference in schedules from high school, boys and being away from home. Working to have pocket money but not really having bills. I goofed off a lot, I remember. I was home a lot, too. No real pressures, I don't think, just trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.
At 28, I had my master's degree but didn't have a "real" job as I did odd jobs for a bit. I just got married and was trying to figure out what that truly meant. I had more time because I didn't have school anymore but then that meant I had more time to worry about a job and paying bills. But still relatively okay, I think.
At 38, I have a full-time job that no longer inspires me that requires a commute. Three kids, a husband and a mother in my household. A mortgage for a house that has lost its monetary value but still requires the time and effort of upkeep and maintenance. Bills. Am in remission from cancer. Trying to teach my kids values that will give them a good foundation for growing. Trying to be a good wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. Wanting to be inspiring to others. Looking for my purpose. Etc. Etc.
See how all that just shifted? My balance is off. I don't think I adjusted my definition between 28 and 38 to account for the changes in my life. We think that if we do our 40-hour week job and then come home - we should be able to have the time to play and have quality time with our family, handle all the chores of the home and manage some free time for ourselves. Well, that doesn't happen for me. It may happen for others who are capable of sorting their life out well, but I'm not one of those people.
After cancer, time meant something totally different to me. It became precious and I didn't want to waste it on things that weren't that important. My kids, my family equated to important. My job, my chores not equally so. Not saying they weren't important, but they were lower on the list. If I had to choose between sitting down with my boys for reading time and laundry, the reading time would win. That seems like such a normal thing that someone would choose but the guilt that ensued for not doing the chore would overcome me. And then obviously the consequences of not having clean clothes, etc. would just snowball away. In fact, others started questioning my decisions. Yeah. It got ugly.
Maybe because I'm not a good manager of time, the issue of balance is just that...an issue. That makes sense, right? I mean, if I managed my time, then I should technically have enough hours to fulfill all the obligations that I have, right? Or do I just need to be honest with myself and those around me about what is important...that too simple? Seems like it.
Saying to my job that I will be in at such and such a time on these days and need to be out by this time on these days because of family obligations would work, right? And that when I get home, this is the routine about dinner, QT with the family, chores and bed, right? Are there allowances for when I'm completely exhausted because I run and run and run?
I just want to be good mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I want to spend quality time to enjoy the fleeting moments of childhood with my kids because it will be gone soon. I want to spend quality time with my husband because he and I are partners for life and we need to get along and smile sometimes to ensure that we make it to a lifetime. I want to make my family proud of who I am, what I believe and how I do what I do despite all the things that could go wrong.
A few weeks ago, I had a discussion with my supervisor about this balance thing also. And mind you, this concept of balance comes up a lot in my life, I would assume, because God is trying to get me to understand it so he keeps bringing it to my attention so that I can finish my thought and deal with it.
Anyway, the notion of balance must start in how one defines it. My life being balanced when I was 8, 18, 28 and now are very different from each period. At 8, I was balanced (hopefully) in the sense that I went to school and I had home life. I did my work and I played. Everything else was pretty much taken care of for me by someone else - food, clothing, shelter, etc. I wanted stuff, I asked. Etc. Etc.
At 18, I was a freshman in college. Trying to deal with the difference in schedules from high school, boys and being away from home. Working to have pocket money but not really having bills. I goofed off a lot, I remember. I was home a lot, too. No real pressures, I don't think, just trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.
At 28, I had my master's degree but didn't have a "real" job as I did odd jobs for a bit. I just got married and was trying to figure out what that truly meant. I had more time because I didn't have school anymore but then that meant I had more time to worry about a job and paying bills. But still relatively okay, I think.
At 38, I have a full-time job that no longer inspires me that requires a commute. Three kids, a husband and a mother in my household. A mortgage for a house that has lost its monetary value but still requires the time and effort of upkeep and maintenance. Bills. Am in remission from cancer. Trying to teach my kids values that will give them a good foundation for growing. Trying to be a good wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. Wanting to be inspiring to others. Looking for my purpose. Etc. Etc.
See how all that just shifted? My balance is off. I don't think I adjusted my definition between 28 and 38 to account for the changes in my life. We think that if we do our 40-hour week job and then come home - we should be able to have the time to play and have quality time with our family, handle all the chores of the home and manage some free time for ourselves. Well, that doesn't happen for me. It may happen for others who are capable of sorting their life out well, but I'm not one of those people.
After cancer, time meant something totally different to me. It became precious and I didn't want to waste it on things that weren't that important. My kids, my family equated to important. My job, my chores not equally so. Not saying they weren't important, but they were lower on the list. If I had to choose between sitting down with my boys for reading time and laundry, the reading time would win. That seems like such a normal thing that someone would choose but the guilt that ensued for not doing the chore would overcome me. And then obviously the consequences of not having clean clothes, etc. would just snowball away. In fact, others started questioning my decisions. Yeah. It got ugly.
Maybe because I'm not a good manager of time, the issue of balance is just that...an issue. That makes sense, right? I mean, if I managed my time, then I should technically have enough hours to fulfill all the obligations that I have, right? Or do I just need to be honest with myself and those around me about what is important...that too simple? Seems like it.
Saying to my job that I will be in at such and such a time on these days and need to be out by this time on these days because of family obligations would work, right? And that when I get home, this is the routine about dinner, QT with the family, chores and bed, right? Are there allowances for when I'm completely exhausted because I run and run and run?
I just want to be good mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I want to spend quality time to enjoy the fleeting moments of childhood with my kids because it will be gone soon. I want to spend quality time with my husband because he and I are partners for life and we need to get along and smile sometimes to ensure that we make it to a lifetime. I want to make my family proud of who I am, what I believe and how I do what I do despite all the things that could go wrong.
Thursday, March 03, 2011
What do you do when you see signs pointing you to a different direction? And by signs, I mean anything that is visual, conversational, tangible, anything. I was just looking at my dashboard here and realized I had several drafts going that I never finished. I didn't actually go view them because I'm not ready to deal with them but I wonder how often I run away from the signs.
You know I started blogging because it made things concrete for me. To see words in black and white and make it relatively permanent is a bold thing...it's a statement. And for me, that's so hard. I don't talk much because I can't commit...wait, let me change that, I don't want to commit to anything. LOL For instance, because it's hilarious and I have to share it, today my husband wanted me to try a new app. I'm for trying new things if it'll make our communication easier! :) So I told him I downloaded it my phone but he tells me to download it into my Chr*ome browser and register. Well, to register, I have to put it an email address and I couldn't decide which one to use!!!! LOL We chatted about it and he's dying laughing on the other end because I'm having this issue about which gmail email address to use and he calls me a "virtual hoarder"!!!! LMAO, truly, hilarious because I can be that! I have like 50 million email addresses so that no one person can find me but then it drives me crazy because I have so many!!!!
Okay, I just digressed from my original thought (yes, you know that it doesn't take much). Anyway, so signs that point me to another direction. These things that cause you to say "hhhmmmm" and stop to think. And mind you, I don't really believe in coincidences. Those are calculated experiences/situations that require you to address in some way. I say that and now feel compelled to rephrase my original question to this: what do you do when you see signs pointing you to a different direction that takes you out of that comfortable, yet annoying place you are currently at?
I usually run or turn around and pretend that where I'm at isn't so bad. Yeah, I hate to admit that, but that's what I do. But the funny thing is that God doesn't allow me to do without consequences. And, luckily for me, He gives me another chance, sometimes several to follow-through on what I need to do to face it and move forward.
I've been working at this current job since 2002. I had told myself I would only be here for five years. At five years, I was out there interviewing for other positions. And then I got sick and couldn't leave. I've recuperated, I'm in remission and now, I'm back on my mission to keep on moving. I have to. I have three kids under the age of 7 and I live an hour away. I shortchange my work days to take care of them and I'm sure that will catch up to me soon. But my priorities are my family first and believe it or not, I spend my off hours checking emails and doing work that is doable at home to make sure that I make up the time that I'm not sitting in my office. I have a cushy job and I could stay here for a while longer. But I would be miserable and unhappy. I'm close to that now. I want to see my kids, I want to be able to get to them in a timely manner. I want to be in a metropolitan area that allows me to feel refreshed instead of beaten down. And, to top it all off, the signs....and there have been plenty, coming in abundant directions, are just screaming at me that it's time to move on!
So...what do I do now? This is always my dilemma. What step do I take next? What am I supposed to be doing? Why do I start doubting myself? Why is that fear of failure always more prevalent than the idea of sweet success?
I want to go back to helping others. Via therapy, consulting, cheesecake baking, whatever. LOL I have to come to realize that when I'm presented with an opportunity to help people, I do it and I do it well. I have talked people through difficult situations, been a sounding board, helped conceptualize ideas....how do I do that on my terms? If you know how, tell me, share with me your knowledge. And that book that I want to publish? I still want to do that. Did I ever tell you I made that Faith, Hope & Love blog into a book? I did. I never ordered it because I wanted to make some editing changes but I had it into a book. Something else to finish on my long list of to-dos. (((sigh)))
I don't want my life to get away from me. When I got sick, I felt like I had wasted so much time because at that point, time was so precious to me. I don't want to be there again. I want life to be meaningful and happy. So I guess that means I can't ignore the signs, right?
You know I started blogging because it made things concrete for me. To see words in black and white and make it relatively permanent is a bold thing...it's a statement. And for me, that's so hard. I don't talk much because I can't commit...wait, let me change that, I don't want to commit to anything. LOL For instance, because it's hilarious and I have to share it, today my husband wanted me to try a new app. I'm for trying new things if it'll make our communication easier! :) So I told him I downloaded it my phone but he tells me to download it into my Chr*ome browser and register. Well, to register, I have to put it an email address and I couldn't decide which one to use!!!! LOL We chatted about it and he's dying laughing on the other end because I'm having this issue about which gmail email address to use and he calls me a "virtual hoarder"!!!! LMAO, truly, hilarious because I can be that! I have like 50 million email addresses so that no one person can find me but then it drives me crazy because I have so many!!!!
Okay, I just digressed from my original thought (yes, you know that it doesn't take much). Anyway, so signs that point me to another direction. These things that cause you to say "hhhmmmm" and stop to think. And mind you, I don't really believe in coincidences. Those are calculated experiences/situations that require you to address in some way. I say that and now feel compelled to rephrase my original question to this: what do you do when you see signs pointing you to a different direction that takes you out of that comfortable, yet annoying place you are currently at?
I usually run or turn around and pretend that where I'm at isn't so bad. Yeah, I hate to admit that, but that's what I do. But the funny thing is that God doesn't allow me to do without consequences. And, luckily for me, He gives me another chance, sometimes several to follow-through on what I need to do to face it and move forward.
I've been working at this current job since 2002. I had told myself I would only be here for five years. At five years, I was out there interviewing for other positions. And then I got sick and couldn't leave. I've recuperated, I'm in remission and now, I'm back on my mission to keep on moving. I have to. I have three kids under the age of 7 and I live an hour away. I shortchange my work days to take care of them and I'm sure that will catch up to me soon. But my priorities are my family first and believe it or not, I spend my off hours checking emails and doing work that is doable at home to make sure that I make up the time that I'm not sitting in my office. I have a cushy job and I could stay here for a while longer. But I would be miserable and unhappy. I'm close to that now. I want to see my kids, I want to be able to get to them in a timely manner. I want to be in a metropolitan area that allows me to feel refreshed instead of beaten down. And, to top it all off, the signs....and there have been plenty, coming in abundant directions, are just screaming at me that it's time to move on!
So...what do I do now? This is always my dilemma. What step do I take next? What am I supposed to be doing? Why do I start doubting myself? Why is that fear of failure always more prevalent than the idea of sweet success?
I want to go back to helping others. Via therapy, consulting, cheesecake baking, whatever. LOL I have to come to realize that when I'm presented with an opportunity to help people, I do it and I do it well. I have talked people through difficult situations, been a sounding board, helped conceptualize ideas....how do I do that on my terms? If you know how, tell me, share with me your knowledge. And that book that I want to publish? I still want to do that. Did I ever tell you I made that Faith, Hope & Love blog into a book? I did. I never ordered it because I wanted to make some editing changes but I had it into a book. Something else to finish on my long list of to-dos. (((sigh)))
I don't want my life to get away from me. When I got sick, I felt like I had wasted so much time because at that point, time was so precious to me. I don't want to be there again. I want life to be meaningful and happy. So I guess that means I can't ignore the signs, right?
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