I want to tell you what I want.  So that it can be real.  So that I can be definitive and not be scared.  But before I do that, I need to talk about "balance" and what that means.  I was asked yesterday how I manage to handle my family and work lives.  I laughed...out loud...not just a lol, but really laughed.  Why?  Because I don't think I do it well.

A few weeks ago, I had a discussion with my supervisor about this balance thing also.  And mind you, this concept of balance comes up a lot in my life, I would assume, because God is trying to get me to understand it so he keeps bringing it to my attention so that I can finish my thought and deal with it. 

Anyway, the notion of balance must start in how one defines it.  My life being balanced when I was 8, 18, 28 and now are very different from each period.  At 8, I was balanced (hopefully) in the sense that I went to school and I had home life.  I did my work and I played.  Everything else was pretty much taken care of for me by someone else - food, clothing, shelter, etc.  I wanted stuff, I asked.  Etc. Etc. 

At 18, I was a freshman in college.  Trying to deal with the difference in schedules from high school, boys and being away from home.  Working to have pocket money but not really having bills.  I goofed off a lot, I remember.  I was home a lot, too.  No real pressures, I don't think, just trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.

At 28, I had my master's degree but didn't have a "real" job as I did odd jobs for a bit.  I just got married and was trying to figure out what that truly meant.  I had more time because I didn't have school anymore but then that meant I had more time to worry about a job and paying bills.  But still relatively okay, I think. 

At 38, I have a full-time job that no longer inspires me that requires a commute.  Three kids, a husband and a mother in my household.  A mortgage for a house that has lost its monetary value but still requires the time and effort of upkeep and maintenance.  Bills.  Am in remission from cancer.  Trying to teach my kids values that will give them a good foundation for growing.  Trying to be a good wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend.  Wanting to be inspiring to others.  Looking for my purpose.  Etc.  Etc.

See how all that just shifted?  My balance is off.  I don't think I adjusted my definition between 28 and 38 to account for the changes in my life.  We think that if we do our 40-hour week job and then come home - we should be able to have the time to play and have quality time with our family, handle all the chores of the home and manage some free time for ourselves.  Well, that doesn't happen for me.  It may happen for others who are capable of sorting their life out well, but I'm not one of those people. 

After cancer, time meant something totally different to me.  It became precious and I didn't want to waste it on things that weren't that important.  My kids, my family equated to important.  My job, my chores not equally so.  Not saying they weren't important, but they were lower on the list.  If I had to choose between sitting down with my boys for reading time and laundry, the reading time would win.  That seems like such a normal thing that someone would choose but the guilt that ensued for not doing the chore would overcome me.  And then obviously the consequences of not having clean clothes, etc. would just snowball away.  In fact, others started questioning my decisions.  Yeah.  It got ugly.

Maybe because I'm not a good manager of time, the issue of balance is just that...an issue.  That makes sense, right?  I mean, if I managed my time, then I should technically have enough hours to fulfill all the obligations that I have, right?  Or do I just need to be honest with myself and those around me about what is important...that too simple?  Seems like it.

Saying to my job that I will be in at such and such a time on these days and need to be out by this time on these days because of family obligations would work, right?  And that when I get home, this is the routine about dinner, QT with the family, chores and bed, right?  Are there allowances for when I'm completely exhausted because I run and run and run? 

I just want to be good mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.  I want to spend quality time to enjoy the fleeting moments of childhood with my kids because it will be gone soon.  I want to spend quality time with my husband because he and I are partners for life and we need to get along and smile sometimes to ensure that we make it to a lifetime.  I want to make my family proud of who I am, what I believe and how I do what I do despite all the things that could go wrong.