There is something stirring within me. There are messages and signs that have been calling me forward. The questions are about purpose and all aspects that relate to purpose.

...As you know I am about random thoughts so work with that notion and understand that the randomness allows me to get things out so that I can process it later..this goes for this post as well as future ones...

I have a friend, KA, who I've known for almost seven years now. Our friendship started as a professional relationship. I've grown to truly admire not only her professional accomplishments, but her ability to hear God and move her life in the direction that He has chosen for her. She and I don't see each other much anymore as she has moved on to greater things, but I have learned that she and I connect at the times that I need to connect with her. Does that make sense? She likened herself to a lighthouse, a beacon of light that she offers to others at the times they need it. And so she is that to me. She and I get an hour once in a blue moon to meet and talk about where our/my life happens to be at that moment.

The last time that I saw her, I expressed my confusion as to my role in life. I survived cancer. I faced death (I didn't share this in the other blog, I don't think but maybe that's something we talk about in the future) and walked away. So now what? Although I find that to be nothing less than anyone who has experienced what I have, it's personal, obviously for me. I have had this buildup since I finished treatment, maybe even before, that I am destined for great things, to do great things...but that's all I get. Nothing more specific, at least not the specificity that I seek (I need vibrant clear 12 mega pixel shots please). But the momentum of that has continued to gain speed. Things are happening in my relationships, my environments, my own thinking that is evolving and allowing other things to come forward...

Can I express to you that it is SCARY at times?!?! She smiled at me this last encounter. She said three words - this is preparation. OMG!!!! For what?!?!?!?! Yes, the exclamations are meant to express my emotion because it's so unclear to me as to what...

It took me a long time to understand that my illness served several purposes at the time of its occurrence. A wake-up call to me about my faith, my health, my priorities. A wake-up call to you about your faith, your health, your priorities. A call about my relationship with you. This last one is one that continues to come into play in this quest of clarity. KA is not the only one who shares with me that I am chosen to fulfill this purpose. I continue to hear it, acknowledge the little moments that give me a sense of actually doing it (it could be random but something within tells me that it's one of those moments...)and my own personal belief that I was spared another few years because my situation, at least at that time, was not the way I was going to leave this Earthly plane.

What is my purpose? What pulls at my heart?

Chorus - So Ambitious (Jay-Z, Blueprint 3): Motivation for me was them telling me what I could not be, oh well...hey I'm on a mission, no matter what the conditions, forget the personal issues, when you been what I been through,...

You know what my problem is? No one has ever, EVER told me that I couldn't be something or do something. No one....except me. I stop myself from doing a lot of things. I am my own worse enemy at times. Aren't you? I think that the personal expectations we have of ourselves is a great motivator, but it can totally break us down, when we let it. Why am I saying all this? Because I think that sometimes, my fear because it's so scary at times, is why I can't see clearly. If you knew you were in a 4x6 closet in the dark, you know that you can feel the walls. If you knew there were no walls and you were in the dark, well how would you feel? The vastness, the openness, can sometimes be just as stifling as the small enclosed room.

I meant to bring Transformers 2 so I could have it playing in the background while I worked. I watched moments of it the past two days because A wanted to see it. I don't recall that many people thought much about it when it came out. However, there were messages resonating in it for me... His lack of wanting to understand that he had a greater purpose. His visions that made no sense to him. His willingness to die to save another. The ability to chose the side that we want because we don't want to be surrounded in negativity. Those were just a few.

Ignoring the messages is something I cannot do. "I believe that life is journey, often difficult and sometimes incredibly cruel, but we are well-equipped for it if only we tap into our talents and gifts and allow them to blossom." -Les Brown. You've been willing to look in at times to make sure that I am okay. Now are you willing to engage and be part of the growth?

So let's get the formalities out of the way...why another blog? Why not just continue the other? It's for my well-being. Huh? That blog represented a time in my life. I have moved forward. And therefore, a new start. I don't regret, nor will I forget. Although you may no longer have access to it, I still do. Maybe bits and pieces will find its way here...I don't know. I like my options...the freedom, the possibilities, the opportunities.

The ironic thing? This blog site I created long before I ever got sick, many months prior. I never found the words to start it...until now. Wow, talk about timing, eh? ;)

So for the sake of our formality, let me bring you up-to-date on my state of health. My last scan was in December and it was clean. I've now graduated to four month check-ups. I will be two-years post treatment in March. My overall health is for the most part pretty good. I continue to shock people when I tell them that I am a cancer survivor.

I am hopeful for a complete cure. But I'm not oblivious to the the possibilties that there could be other things that happen. The number of chest CTs I've had have increased the radiation in my body. Remember this little tidbit - one chest CT radiation exposure is equivalent to 200 chest x-rays. Yup, I said that. So just post treatment thus far, I've reached a maximum number for a normal person. But of course, I'm not normal, right? :)

So, notwithstanding everything else, I continue to age gracefully. :) I have my moments where I hurt, but thankfully, they don't stay around too long. Overall, I am good. I do what I can. I laugh when I can. I forgive when I can. I speak when I can. I cry when I need to. I am me to the best I can be.

I think it's time. Many months have passed. I'm ready to come back to the world. Open up. Share a moment or two or three. Maybe this is part of where I need to be..for me..and for you. Realizing that my words have meaning, that it can affect and effect, means that I cannot deny a gift that I was given. So you win, I'm back and ready to roll with my everyday witicism, real-life dramas and profound thoughts!! :)

Hello, world!