My youngest son turned three a couple days ago.  It's been a busy weekend and I didn't have time to sit and blog.  But I don't want another moment to pass by...

Three years old...wow, my second born.  I remember the night vividly.  A night where my oldest needed more hugs, more calming words, as if he knew that I wouldn't be there when he woke up.  My water broke around 11-11:30 PM.  No immediate contractions as it happened with my first.  I continued to reassure him.  I eventually called the doctor.  We got in the car.  Contractions continued to progress.  Two hours after my water broke, little man made his appearance.  No time for drugs, just pushing.  By early morning, I was up and singing to my new little guy.  :) 

Every year, he continues to amaze me.  His love of his brother, his family, of life is inspiring.  I love his hugs, his kisses on both cheeks, his laughter, the unconditional love and trust he has.  He wants to be a big boy, just like his brother.  I want him to stay a baby, just like I had remember when I had to wean him at six months.  But I can't have my wish, because it's his birthday.  :)

I wish for him continued glee in his every day living.  I wish to be part of his every day glee.  May his heart continue to grow with compassion, love and understanding.  May he always know that I love him, that I will always be there.  I love you, little man, I love you.

My mom and oldest son were in a car accident last Thursday.  I know, right?!  How is it that things are happening?  I have struggled with that question as of late...wondering what these series of events are leading to...(((sigh)))  It is preparation, for something so much greater, I know that because each time, my family continues to walk away unscathed.  We grow stronger each time, we continue to be blessed each time.  My mom and son are well.  They are fine.  I am grateful for the continued protection.  Psalm 46:1 (KJV) - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  That verse was one that got me through many chemo treatments.  It continues to get me through now.

In times when our life seems to be going in a downward spiral, I try very hard to not lose hope, to not lose my faith even though it seems to easy to do.  These are the times that I know I am tested, and I can only hope that I do my best to pass.  Being prey in our weakest moments is what I fight because the temptation to allow the anger and frustrations to take over is so easy.  But the strength by which faith and hope can conquer, is so much more rewarding.  It doesn't take much to believe in the bad things, but I don't think it's worth it in the end.

I had an echo done yesterday.  All is well with my heart.  That's what they say.  I'm good with that.  One less thing to worry about.  I've got enough going on without that adding to things.  Maybe, possibly, I can actually think about this new prospect now.  I unfortunately haven't given it the time that I think it deserves.  Possibly because I am still in a bit of shock.  Friends are thrilled.  Sometimes I wonder for what reason...the prospect of a little one, or the idea that I'm actually back to "normal" and have a chance for another one.  Hard to gauge and I don't really ask.  I'm sure it's a combination of the two.  I get the feeling that announcing that I'm pregnant and knowing I'm in remission for cancer implies many things and the hope, of course, is that I am well.  Because why would I be in this situation if I wasn't?  Right?  Pregnancy brings about much anticipation and excitement.  I am both.  I feel old.  But I feel both.  Many times you have heard me say that I want to be there to see my children grow old.  That's the plan and I don't have reason to think otherwise.  Two years post-treatment and my scans are clean.  I am thankful. 

Luke 12:48 - But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.  This has been on my mind of late.  March is a huge month for me.  My two boys were born this month and I finished treatment this month, just to name a couple.  So I have been given a lot in this month.  And as you know, I realize I serve a purpose and that means that I know I have things I have to do.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed by knowing that.  Sometimes I am not.  But knowing how much I have been blessed through my lifetime, well I figure I have a lot to give back for.  :)  

I have much on my to-do list.  My hopes is that I can keep up and keep you posted along the way.  The next few months will fly by, I'm sure.  So hold on to your hats!

My prince is six today!!!  Where has all the time gone?  Wow....  He's a great kid...awesome big brother.  So much is on his shoulders because he's the first child.  All the expectations of motherhood I had in him.  That's a lot of pressure, don't you think?  He's taught me much.  He's showed me a lot.  He's given me even more. 

The other day he  asked me "Will you always love me?"  "Yes!  Always!"  "Even when I make you mad?"  "Yes, there's nothing that you would do that make me not love you."  Big hugs!!!  Those moments, those questions, come more often as he is trying to figure out this world where his mom goes ballistic at times.  :) 

I truly want to give him the world.  I truly want to be there through all his years.  I truly want to see the man I know he will become.  I truly love him...with all my heart...the past seven years have flown by...he's a big boy now but in my heart, he'll always be my baby.  <3

Today is my grandfather's death anniversary.  Twenty-four years since he's been gone.  I still miss him tremendously.  I know he watches over me and the family. 

Do you believe in angels?  I know I have one, at least one, looking over me.  I don't know who it is, but I just know.  People come and go in my life.  I don't consider it coincidence, I consider it a matter of timing.  Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys. --Emma Bull.  People have seasons in my life.  Some come back every so often, and some don't.  Each day that passes, I come into that realization much more.  My brother texted me yesterday while I was driving.  He sent a picture and asked what I was doing. I text back that I'm laughing.  His reply, "Nice.  Wanted to make you laugh.  Guess it worked."  Now how did he know I needed to laugh?  I can only assume that his guardian angel and mine's were talking.  :)

You know that chatter in your head?  The ones where you are going over lists, to-dos, etc.?  I have a lot of that in mine.  It makes it hard for me to actually hear much of anything else.  So then I react to the frustration of trying to hear and hearing the chatter.  For example, my kids when they are talking and playing and I'm trying to get them to listen and they're not and so my decibels get louder and louder, trying to drown out all the noise.  Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.  I miss so much.  All this time that I continue to wonder about what I'm supposed to be doing and stuff, I wonder at times, if the answer has always been there but I think too much about it.  In fact, honestly, I think that's exactly what happens.  The little subtle moments are just that, subtle.  Again, me, the one that needs the vivid 12 megapixel color shots needs lots of help.  The accident?  Wake up call, has to be.  The only thing I can attribute it to for someone who needs more than just subtle cues.  Make sense?

If I had more time to ponder the possibilities, I would.  But my life requires that I be in the moment and my moments don't really have a pause button.  I realize I blog to share my side of the story, but don't you ever want to engage in some of the stories too?  I open the door for that...