I thank You

I have started this post many times. Each a little different and unfocused.  But then I found this on my fb newsfeed and knew it was what I needed to start with...

There's so much I could say, but that, above, says it in such a simple way.  I have much gratitude for you and so this post is dedicated to you..

I want to focus on where I am as I type this because I didn't plan on being here.  On Monday, the 17th, I sat on a shady porch in Ann Arbor and enjoyed a cup o' joe and a croissant. I had just left the Cancer Center a few minutes earlier with the parting words from my oncologist of "Pretend like it never happened."  Really?! Yes, that's what he said.  And he accepts that it would be difficult but I have survived 5 years post diagnosis and treatment and have remained in remission... I have beaten odds and along the way managed to grow my family by having a baby born on the exact day, three years after I collapsed, grown in understanding and grown immensely in what you all are familiar with - faith, hope and love.

When my birthday came this year, S threw me a surprise party.  It was great, I was completely thrown off and clueless of what I was walking into when I walked through my mud room door.  But there stood my family and friends and I was completely taken aback with the love.  As tradition, we say a prayer before eating. And usually I handoff to S but this was my day.  So we held hands and bowed our heads.  I started with "Dear God, thank you for..." I started crying as I talked about how grateful I was to see another birthday and then it hit me...it never occurred to me that I would ever see 40.  In the years of treatment and recovery, I honestly didn't think about it.  I always said I wanted to be around to see my kids grow up, get married and have their own families, but it was never in relation to concrete age and time...does that make  any sense?

But that's where it becomes very clear because instead of focusing on the number, I think I did okay by living in the moments that I was afforded.  Gratitude became far more important and intentional.  Not many people can say they were blessed to have people who would've done anything to help.  As private as I am, the experience taught me lessons I couldn't otherwise learn.  I learned to share and be more open.  I learned that being vulnerable was okay.  I learned that in the midst of chaos, pain, self-pity and loneliness, there was always something more, something greater, and I was grateful.

I am in a season of transition.  I feel the shift in the air.  Not moving away from the gratitude, but embracing it even more.  The people who surround me life me in ways I had not really understood.  Prime example was last week, sitting around a former student's kitchen table, surrounded by my former students who, at the time of my illness and treatment, raised the bar of expectations for my program and took care of me through their relentless drive to make sure that even though I wasn't there at work, I really was there at work (say what?)  :)  I never really knew how much they meant to me, until that moment, surrounded by them all these years later, laughing and talking about their daily lives and the future.  

So back to Monday, in the midst of my reveling in this news from my doctor, I sat, trying to hold back the fear.  What fear?  The one that grew because I was given the clearance to return to myself.  The problem I saw was where and who was I now?  I have been defined by my cancer since October 6, 2007.  What now?  All events leading up to the moment of me sitting in the shade, enjoying that breeze, were calculated and part of my story.  My transition has seamlessly been weaving through the days, weeks and months previous.  

I know...I know that I should've known (and I did at times)...but sometimes I'm a little hard-headed and stubborn.  It's hard for me to accept that I do good things, am good at things and am capable of making great things happen.  I'm much more confident in admitting that now, just as I have learned that I need to really let people know that.  Fear can strike many people down.  And I realize that my gratitude towards Him is what holds me together, keeps me strong and pushes me forward.  

Did I just raise your expectations of me now?  Yeah, I kind of dug myself into hole, didn't I?  But, again, I'm okay with that.  Because I need to be accountable for ensuring that all that proceeds from this point on, is purposeful, intentional, and Cristina-ish.  :)  I may never truly be able to "pretend like it never happened" but I can sure use it as a catapult to get me to the next level.  

Thank you for being by my side all these years (yes, the tears already started as I typed that).  Thank you for believing in my ability to overcome and be strong.  I've slipped many times through the years but you've never let me fall and there aren't enough words to express the gratitude for that.  

This picture was taken a couple of years ago, but these faces are my stronghold.  Being a wife and mother, that's who I am.  Being a daughter and sister, that's who I am.  Being an aunt, niece, cousin and friend, that's who I am.  I am a child of God and He has bestowed blessings and grace upon my life.  Luke 12:48 "To whom much is given, much will be required"...I have always known that if I survived, continued to survive beyond the treatment days, I would be expected to hold up my end of the deal.  And so time has continued to move for me so let us commence with yet another chapter in my life. 

The above is what I see whenever I turn my phone on.  It's powerful for me and has caused me to reframe my thoughts, especially when I am in the midst of falling apart.  I find it appropriate to share with you because that is the message you have helped me learn all these years...

~c

return to the middle

I've decided to return here, to this space.  I need it for many reasons...the most is for the release of words that get stuck on the inside, words that eat away at my being and my core.  Although that seems a bit dramatic, I can only speak truth lately because I am too tired to make things seem okay..

Mother's Day 2013 has come and gone.  It was a nice day albeit cold.  I had my husband, kids, mom and in-laws.  Wow, that's rather impressive now that I type all that.  In the end, it was a good day but no different than any other.  I still cooked, cleaned, and washed clothes.  I saw messages of good cheer and happiness on fb.  I returned those that were sent to me.

And then I saw the article that someone had shared, the one that voiced the thoughts and feelings I had much more eloquently than I could have.  Because to be honest, I would have gone on a tirade about how annoying mother's day really is and what bs it was (see how I need a better way of releasing the words?).  I mean for one day a mother gets celebrated for the tireless work that goes on in a years time?  But of course, there are mothers who make sure that they get their props on a regular basis.  I am clearly not one of them.

I digress, though, because this article talked about the forced smiles that some of us have.  The joy that covers the sadness within.  Sadness from the loss that we have had.  And I was really okay with the article, until someone pointed out specifically the three wonderful kids I have...and I felt the pain in my stomach of the one I lost.  The tears are welling up as I type this.  And what hurts more?  Not even two weeks ago, I held a newborn in my arms and today I just got a message that someone is pregnant.  And I am happy for them.  Because I know they have suffered losses too.  But it doesn't take away or diminish the loss I experienced.

Sounds like I'm ungrateful for what I have.  And I'm not because I treasure and thank God every night for my blessings.  I feel more like a failure than anything because I couldn't provide the environment for that little one to grow.  As a mother, that's like one of the ultimate failures because isn't that what a mother is supposed to do?

And so I return here, to provide myself space to think through things and work through the struggles I find myself getting caught up in on a daily basis.  The work-life balance doesn't exist and I have accepted that.  But there's a point where I should be at least okay with the imbalance that I have, right?