return to the middle

I've decided to return here, to this space.  I need it for many reasons...the most is for the release of words that get stuck on the inside, words that eat away at my being and my core.  Although that seems a bit dramatic, I can only speak truth lately because I am too tired to make things seem okay..

Mother's Day 2013 has come and gone.  It was a nice day albeit cold.  I had my husband, kids, mom and in-laws.  Wow, that's rather impressive now that I type all that.  In the end, it was a good day but no different than any other.  I still cooked, cleaned, and washed clothes.  I saw messages of good cheer and happiness on fb.  I returned those that were sent to me.

And then I saw the article that someone had shared, the one that voiced the thoughts and feelings I had much more eloquently than I could have.  Because to be honest, I would have gone on a tirade about how annoying mother's day really is and what bs it was (see how I need a better way of releasing the words?).  I mean for one day a mother gets celebrated for the tireless work that goes on in a years time?  But of course, there are mothers who make sure that they get their props on a regular basis.  I am clearly not one of them.

I digress, though, because this article talked about the forced smiles that some of us have.  The joy that covers the sadness within.  Sadness from the loss that we have had.  And I was really okay with the article, until someone pointed out specifically the three wonderful kids I have...and I felt the pain in my stomach of the one I lost.  The tears are welling up as I type this.  And what hurts more?  Not even two weeks ago, I held a newborn in my arms and today I just got a message that someone is pregnant.  And I am happy for them.  Because I know they have suffered losses too.  But it doesn't take away or diminish the loss I experienced.

Sounds like I'm ungrateful for what I have.  And I'm not because I treasure and thank God every night for my blessings.  I feel more like a failure than anything because I couldn't provide the environment for that little one to grow.  As a mother, that's like one of the ultimate failures because isn't that what a mother is supposed to do?

And so I return here, to provide myself space to think through things and work through the struggles I find myself getting caught up in on a daily basis.  The work-life balance doesn't exist and I have accepted that.  But there's a point where I should be at least okay with the imbalance that I have, right?