inevitable

I had my CT scan last week.  Everything about the experience seemed all wrong.  I couldn't find my paperwork telling me the time and place to check in.  I get there and don't get all twisted around in the hallways.  I get my awesome smoothie drinks and start having a gag reflex instead of getting it down smoothly.  I walk into the room and they don't hook me up to an IV.  All the "regular" things just didn't happen.  It was disturbing.

Today was my follow-up appointment with the doctor.  I bring my little man with me.  Not sure why I felt compelled to take him but I did.  Anytime I have an appointment, I am by myself.  It's my day for my reflections, my thoughts, my time.  But today, I brought him along.  As I'm driving, I look in the rearview mirror and think about how much he's grown and how far I've come.  He was six months old when cancer snuck up on me and bit me on the behind.  Now he's five...

Driving in the parking structure, I notice that there weren't a lot of cars.  Walking into the building, there didn't seem like a lot of people.  Mondays and Tuesdays are the busiest days at the Cancer Center and it seemed awfully quiet.  Weird...

We head to the lab for bloodwork.  He's watching and I'm explaining.  He's scared for me.  Tech was good because I barely felt anything..nothing odd, but at the same time, it was.  We head upstairs and I'm still amazed at how un-crowded it was.  I expect a long wait so I take him to the cafeteria to grab some snacks.  I let them know I'm back and five minutes later they are calling my name.  Say what?  Yes, shocking...  We get into the room and the usual is about 30 minutes before someone comes in.  So not even 10 minutes later the fellow walks in.  Say what, say what?

Fellow says everything looks good.  She implies that I am on the road where I won't have to come in as often.  Will bring doctor in.  He comes in and says I don't have to come back until next year.  Say what, say what, say what?  He says not to worry about things.  I'm doing well.  He wishes me well.  He's gone.  Fellow says that I will get CT next year.  But after that, it'll only be regular x-rays and physical exams when I come back (which doctor implied would probably jump up to three year time frames after next year).  I'm not really ready for all this news.  I'm dumbfounded.  Numb.  Shocked.  Scared.  And little man is just sitting next to me on my iPhone not realizing what's going on.

I check out.  We head out.  There is a storm brewing.  A big one.  I can honestly say that in all the times I have come for my exams, the weather has been calm.  What came through as I pulled out of the parking structure was a wrath.  Thunder rumbling, huge rain drops.  Streets were flooding fast.  Again, not my normal day.

Gahh, when I finished chemo, I had issues adjusting to my new normal.  I guess this is where I'm at right now, another new normal.  I realize it's part of the process.  It's part of the path.  Part of the journey.  But to say that I'm not shaking a little bit on the inside would be a lie.  New normals bring about new things.  In hindsight, I know we have been building up to this.  In hindsight, I realize that things have already been setting itself in motion.  Ready or not, a new normal has commenced...

On his way...

Today, another chapter closes...preschool is over for my little guy.  Wow.  When did that happen?  I remembering labor and delivery like it was yesterday.  I remember having the family sneak him into the SICU floor at the hospital when I passed out and got admitted.  I remember those gigantic cheeks and Uncle Pauly hair.  I remember his little hand in mine as he watched his brother go off to kindergarten.  I remember his little hand hold his newborn sister's hand after she was born.  I remember taking him to the first day of preschool.  I remember him telling me the first time that he wanted to decide what he would wear.  I remember him getting excited about show-and-tell days.  And I will remember this day as a huge step for both of us.

Little man is my peaceful child.  My strong thinker and compassionate soul.  He has this twinkle in his eye and this smile that lights up the room.  He is the one that climbs up in my lap and rests his head on my chest, even though he has the whole rest of the couch available.  He is the one that will blink away the tears when he is hurt but will forgive you in a moment's notice.  He is the one that runs to the door when he hears my keys and makes me bend down and kisses my cheek and says how much he's missed me that day.  I know these days are probably limited but I will cherish them.

I'm so proud of him.  He's still shy and quiet, but he's strong and bold.  My little guy, becoming such a big guy...so proud of all the things he's done and the ways he's grown, even in just these past few weeks.  Kindergarten...((sigh))...he's on his way...whether I'm ready or not.  :)