I am scheduled to see my oncologist on Monday.  No scans this time.  Just bloodwork and a physical check of the various areas where the lymph nodes would be noticed if they were enlarged.  I cannot express how scary it is to not have a scan, to not have actual photos of my insides that show activity or lack of.  I won't scans for a while due to the pregnancy.  It's a bit overwhelming and can cause uneasiness.  But all I can do is pray and hope that all is well within my body. 

I had a momentary breakdown over the weekend.  I finally verbalized my guilt with my youngest when I got sick.  It was hard to actually say how I felt, even though I've known it all along.  As much as I know he adjusted fine to my absence and my return, I cannot help but feel bad...for what?  For getting sick, for losing time, for not being strong enough for my littlest man during a time where he was growing exponentially in size and skill.  I look back at pictures of those times and I wasn't in much of them, not that I ever am, but I know I wasn't there for whatever reason.

I don't know what this pregnancy will do as far as my cancer.  I don't know what effects it will hold.  I pray that I will deliver a healthy child and that I will be able to watch all three of my children grow into adulthood.  That scares to ponder that there is a chance I won't be there.  I know, I know, why am I thinking that?  Because mortality, once faced, is not something I can ignore.  I really can't.  I want to, but I can't...