My head is pounding. My nose is stuffed up. My eyes are red and swollen. I've been crying since I drove away without having E in the backseat. She is with her brothers at the grandparents house.

I cannot believe I don't have her with me. I have had her with me every night I have closed my eyes since her birth. She is with me every morning I wake up. She is always within arms reach...I lay my hand on her chest during the night to feel her heart beat. I brush her hair off her face. I pick her up and reposition her. I cuddle her close and breathe her in.

But not tonight...