Reboot

The only electronic device I have at this moment is my iPhone. Powerful device but I feel lost without a laptop, my notebooks, paperwork, the loads of things I carry on a daily basis. Where is all that stuff? At home. I left it as I rushed out the door to follow the ambulance that carried my mom.

I have much I could be working on, reading to be done, but instead I sit here and watch my mom and relive the earlier morning hours. I know my mom is old. I know what old age can bring about. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to let her go. That doesn't mean that I want to hear her call out to God and ask that He just take her at that moment. No. Not ready and as calm as I tried to be it was difficult to drown that out. And even more so difficult was when the patient registration person starts asking questions about advanced directives and wills - things that I know very little, if at all, about. But all the more reason to know then, right? ((sigh))

So here I sit, iPhone in hand. Blogging of all things. Never have any other time to do it but during moments of crises. Ironic. But these are moments when perspective becomes clearer. Where priorities are reset. Where the mind and body decides it needs a reboot. I've known for a while that I've needed a moment to do it. This is probably not the way I would've preferred but sometimes God has a way of catching my attention...as we all know I am sometimes hard headed to listen at times.

My life has been chaotic these past few months. I have had unhappy moments where I have been frustrated with my job which makes the rest of my life more miserable. I've had moments of clarity and understanding but fear and unrest follow it. That just seems odd to type and read...an oxymoron..

They have rolled her back in the room. I have watched my mom in hospital beds before. It's always me by her side. I look at her now and see how age has taken her. I see how vulnerable she is. I see how the staff treat older people-like they aren't cognizant. She's very cognizant. But they defer to me with looks of inquiry. I am the caretaker. Just as I am for my own kids, I am hers.

I chose to take her here to this hospital. This place has changed a lot in five years. Much nicer. Each time we've brought the kids here I revel in how different it looks from when I was wheeled in here. Comfort of the patient and families was taken into consideration. It's appreciated and noted. But the ghostly memories are still here for me. When I walk down the halls I see the images of past times. It's not all bad, it's just memories. Today will be another one.

I expect to take mom home today. What directions she will be given and the adjustments that I have to make are unknown right now. But they will need to be done. Rebooting is about the whole system, not just a single file. Not having all my work with me so that I could concentrate and reflect is my start at that. I guess you could say my cache is full and needs to be cleaned out. Only my iPhone to connect me to those outside these walls. Nothing more and nothing less..