is enough enough?

There comes a point and time when I’ve had enough – enough of being tired, of thinking, of fixing, of saying yes to things that I want to say no to, of yelling, of cursing, of curling up and balling my eyes out, of feeling the strain on my back from the different muscles that ache from the duress, of staring at the wall, of staring at a computer screen, of scrolling through emails that only talk about more things that I have to do and get done, of…of…of…

I am there.

As I type this, my surroundings include the sound of a little girl telling her mom about which playscape she is about to conquer.  I hear the buzz of insects as they communicate their plans.  The numerous amount of flying bugs are my co-workers as they flit about my laptop screen and strewn papers.  My desk is a poly-wood picnic table.  My light is natural from way up above.  And my ceiling sways in the gentle breeze.  Nice, eh?  Yeah.  I thought so too.  That’s why I decided that my office needed to connect today.  It needed to breathe.  Because sometime, that’s what we need to find a little bit of motivation to keep going, to complete a thought (wish it could be the thought and maybe I had it but didn’t realize it was the thought), to recharge even for a moment, to determine that what I do really is worth it. 

Honestly I wish I had my kids with me.  Just beyond my laptop screen is the sandbox that the boys love to play in.  Trucks are waiting to be filled with sand.  The digger is itching to be used.  To the right, the swings sway ever so gently, wanting a little person to sit in the worn seat and let the recognized squeak speak.  I realize how much time I have lost with my kids when I sit here.  Those days of being tired and not taking time off so that they can run in places like this makes me sad.  I came here because it is familiar.  I haven’t been here since the boys were probably 6 and 2.  After treatment.  I laid on a bench and looked up, never truly seeing how beautiful the leaves were and how dynamic the light filtered through the spaces as they protected this little play-yard.

Fast forward to today…the breaths I take are heavy and labored.  The need to hold my head between my hands and stop the urge to cry are strong.  I’ve reached my point of enough.  I’m stretched to be successful, to be it all, to be superwoman, and I.am.not.able.  Being here reminds me of all the things that I want to have for my kids.  I am sad.  So that is the topping on the cake, I guess.  Not only do I feel overwhelmed at work, I now am overwhelmed by the things that I have yet to achieve for my family.  The ability to have my boys just walk down to this park and run off their steam.  For them to ride their bikes beyond the driveway.

Sometimes I wish I could ride my own bike beyond the driveway...